Yes, Christ!
Anti-Semitic, woman-hating madman Kanye West is ready to add porn to his rabid list.
Which of our formally impeccable social pillars will fall next? Will Chick-fil-A open on Sunday?
Because the man who once wrote entire albums for the Almighty, who straddled the line between genius and tragedy producing thoughtful art, is now so fallen into the abyss of depravity that there seems to be no turning back.
This wandering adventure into the world of adult entertainment is already underway, apparently a joint effort with former Mr. Stormy Daniels, a film producer named Mike Moz.
It’s all a dirty double standard because West has wavered in the past about the sins of online obscenity: he once blamed the collapse of his marriage and family on an alleged addiction to the filth.
Yes, Christ! Kanye West, the anti-Semitic, woman-hating lunatic, is ready to add porn to his rabid list.
The awkward question on the lips of those who give a shit: Will Captive Censori make a strange feature on screen?
But it will take more than a little horny hypocrisy to stun the few remaining fans completely unfazed into apoplexy.
It’s hard to imagine what West will bring to the world’s oldest form of entertainment. Turns out it’s a pretty saturated market and people tend to get it for free. But maybe I’ll melt down the last remaining Adidas sneakers from that imploded brand collaboration and repurpose them into Bianca Barbies or other horrible porn paraphernalia.
Which, of course, brings us to the uncomfortable question on the lips of those who give a crap: Will Captive Censori be a strange feature on screen?
It wouldn’t be surprising.
After years of controlling and shaming his ex-wife Kim Kardashian, mortifying lovers from Amber Rose to Julia Fox, in front of whom he urinated on their first meeting, West’s abuse of the fairer sex is well practiced.
Perhaps parading his latest Bianca hostage in stockings through raunchy Venetian boat rides and pantyless Paris has gotten boring. Maybe these XXX-capades don’t scratch your itch.
We’ve already seen more of this poor woman than most men see of the bride on her wedding night, so it’s hard to imagine this dirty duo leaving anything to the imagination.
West is one of the few public figures considered uncancellable. But after so many crazy twists and so much cultural whiplash, the real feat will be getting people to still care.
When you’ve dedicated yourself to shocking people into paying attention, at some point the shock waves go away.
Chances are, the crazed parishioners of Kanye’s Church have their own sordid outings, more extreme than even the Wild West can muster. And this deeply sick misogynistic monster will be forced to seek solace in even darker demons.
Fishy Kimmel
President Trump is playing more than just the victim in that New York City courtroom. Apparently he also plays the trumpet very hard.
According to anonymous court ‘sources’ who spoke to the unheard of ‘MeidasTouch Network’, number 45 almost got a number 2 in pants this week.
The caustic Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t hold his own gas, mercilessly mocking the former president for these baseless rumors. “Just when you think the insanity meter has maxed out, Donald Trump adds farting to his list of atrocities,” he said Tuesday.
Kimmel once told me that he and comedian Adam Carolla would take road trips to Las Vegas and each ate things like raw onions and canned clams on purpose to make their car exhaust stink even more.
Taylor is out of fashion.
Swifties are furious over the largely negative reviews of TayTay’s latest vanity project: The Tortured Poets Department.
The album has some brilliant moments (Fortnight, featuring Post Malone, is a particular favourite) and is packed with juicy ‘Easter eggs’ about Swift’s ‘functional alcoholism’. But in reality, it’s just a self-indulgent repetition of the same sloppy tunes and themes that should have been left in the trash on her MacBook.
The unnecessary ‘look at me!’ Its release even irritated kind critics from the New York Times (‘a record low’) and Pitchfork (‘rebellious, unedited’).
Taylor responded by retweeting the few good reviews she had gotten. No amount of thick red lipstick will mask that fine skin.
Swifties are furious over the largely negative reviews of TayTay’s latest vanity project: The Tortured Poets Department.
…but Celine is fashionable
Returning in a halo of glory and grace: Celine Dion.
In a candid interview for French Vogue, Celine shines in topless couture, as she opens up about the reality of her tragic diagnosis and treatment of “stiff person syndrome.”
She admits that the cruelty of the degenerative condition sent her into a tailspin thinking, “Why me?” you ask, but she says that she has since realized that “life doesn’t give you answers, you just have to live it.”
For some famous women, living the life means documenting every twist and teen kiss of their all-too-public breakups. For others, it’s about retreating into solitude when privacy is paramount and then re-emerging with a surprising message of hope. What an inspiration Celine is.
Nancy cracks the whip
The agile Nancy Pelosi has a new memory.
The 84-year-old’s page-turner promises to be more gripping than her icy ego over the reigns of American politics.
It’s called ‘The Art of Power’ and the cover image shows the delicate dominatrix standing in a DC doorway, towering over the phallic Washington Monument as if ready to crush any masculine bulge that might slow her continued rise.
I imagine the chapter titles will include:
MY ADVENTURE WITH GENERAL WASHINGTON
JANUARY 666: WORSE THAN PEARL HARBOR
BEAUTY TIPS FOR GOLDEN GIRLS: YOU ARE AS YOUNG AS THE BABIES YOU EAT
sick smiling
Bride killer Oscar Pistorius was outside flashing a smile in the South African sun, enjoying his freedom after just 7 years in jail.
Apparently, he put on weight behind bars without much access to his usual sports regimen (boo-hoo).
In the outside world he is prohibited from drinking alcohol or possessing weapons (boo-hoo-hoo) and now he looks slimmer.
He spends most of his time playing video games and sitting on his guilty ass in his uncle’s $2.5 million mansion. He has also done miserable volunteer work at a local church where his fellow parishioners say he is cold and weird, which is very strange because angry, murderous lunatics are usually very funny and cheerful.
Bride killer Oscar Pistorius was outside flashing a smile in the South African sun, enjoying his freedom after just 7 years in jail.
Nepo-royalties!
William, Kate and Camilla have managed to bag themselves some fancy royal honours.
William is now a Grand Master of the Order of the Bath (a very long-winded reward for “exemplary service in military or civilian life” or something about soap and shampoo).
Kate becomes a Companion of Honor (which is a fancy way of saying that she is now Willy’s rightful companion).
And Camilla takes first place, becoming the head of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.
Seriously, how did they get all these clever titles and accolades? Do you know any boys?