Where were you during the great snowflake earthquake?
It was 11.02am and my iPhone began to vibrate hurriedly, emitting a deeply offensive screeching sound, while the word “EMERGENCY” screamed in bold letters.
Apparently there had been an earthquake in the tri-state area (magnitude 4.8).
“STAY INSIDE,” the alert implored, almost 40 minutes after the earthquake struck.
It’s worth noting that magnitudes are not even considered “moderate” until they reach around 5.3. But it doesn’t matter: wipe off your hangover, put on your panic boots, the weekend can wait.
Deaths or injuries: zero. Serious material damage: none. Hysterical Frenzy: MAXIMUM.
We learned that President Biden had been “informed” of the incident.
Then came the cable news calamity.
It was 11.02am and my iPhone began to vibrate hurriedly, emitting a deeply offensive screeching sound, while the word “EMERGENCY” screamed in bold letters. Apparently there had been an earthquake in the tri-state area (magnitude 4.8).
The Fox News weather girl informed us in her best crisis voice that this rumble was the biggest the East Coast had seen since 1884. “So before any of us were really alive to feel that,” she said, sounding insecure
Cut to DIY footage of Richard Snyder from Pennsylvania shouting ‘Holy shit, Holy shit’ while his house seemed to, well, not move at all.
At CNN, journalist Andrew Kaczynski phoned in to describe the “crazy” events. “I thought I was going crazy,” he said. “A mirror was shaking, you know?”
No, Andrew, we don’t know, tell us more!
Channeling her inner President Zelensky, Governor Kathy Hochul dressed in combat fatigues to give the first press conference.
“We are taking this very seriously,” he said. ‘There is always the possibility of aftershocks!’
Oh Kathy, please, I can’t stand it. Tell us if Taylor Swift survived!
My email pinged. This was my mum, who lives in London, checking that she was okay, to which I said thank you, because not many people have asked me if I’m okay.
Oh no, wait. That was Meghan Markle in that interview with Tom Bradby.
Meanwhile, trains were stopped in Philadelphia, nearly 100 miles from the epicenter. Flights were suspended for hours at New York’s international airports. But where was Mayor Eric Adams?
It was difficult to distinguish him among the panoply of people at City Hall, forced to take off their pajamas for the second press conference.
I counted at least 17 of them, including, of course, the head of the sanitation department.
Adams reminded a city that survived 9/11 that “we are prepared for the unexpected,” but if you feel more shock, “get on the ground, cover your head and neck, take cover.” To which I felt shocked and fell to the ground.
Schools chancellor David Banks assured parents they could stay at the bar and not have to “pick up their kids early,” thanks to the “professionalism [of teaching staff] in an emergency’.
Buildings Commissioner James Oddo’s motto was “if you see something, say something.”
Eric Adams reminded a city that survived 9/11 that “we are prepared for the unexpected,” but if you feel more shock, “get on the ground, cover your head and neck, take cover.” To which I felt shocked and fell to the ground.
Should I walk to the salad bar across the street with my hands over my head, I asked myself. Is a tsunami approaching lower Manhattan? And please, can someone tell me if Taylor Swift is safe?
Now, in all seriousness, what I want to say is: that this small complaint has turned into a huge international uproar is really quite galling.
Earthquake-hardened Asian nations must be watching and laughing.
Here at home, at least 16 US states experience earthquakes regularly, including California, where, in 2022, there were nearly 40,000, of which 14 were “significant,” meaning magnitudes of 6.0 and above.
Tremors of that size are about. They can cause considerable damage to buildings that have underlying instability, which is not only costly but also potentially ruinous in terms of human damage.
Meanwhile, magnitudes around 4.0 are like a big truck passing by.
In Taiwan, there have been about 2,000 earthquakes with a magnitude of 4.0 in the past four decades. In Japan there are 1,500 each year.
I must say, as a Brit living in Manhattan, I have been surprised by the thin skin of New Yorkers.
Perhaps naively, I assumed that their attitude to life’s curveballs would be similar to that of Londoners: keep calm and carry on.
After all, this is a city where rats rule the subway, the blocks are littered with trash, and the sight of a drug-fueled fight is less daunting than trying to score a dinner reservation on a Saturday.
Channeling her inner President Zelensky, Governor Kathy Hochul dressed in combat fatigues to give the first press conference. “We are taking this very seriously,” she said. ‘There is always the possibility of aftershocks!’ Oh Kathy, please, I can’t stand it. Tell us if Taylor Swift survived!
This morning, I boarded the F train (F for smells like fart) and found a man in a coma surrounded by a puddle of vomit.
I chose to move on to the next car, but noticed that several others had no problem sitting next to this poor guy, happily reading their newspapers.
In 2022, twenty New Yorkers contracted leptospirosis, a rat-related disease, which can lead to kidney failure and, in some cases, death.
Meanwhile, toxic pollution causes more than 3,000 deaths and 2,000 hospital admissions in the city each year.
Downtown hotels are now overrun with migrants sent north to share the load with the overwhelmed southern border. Crime is rampant. Public sanitation is in tatters.
Maybe there should be a department for that? And maybe Mayor Adams’ team of dumb men would do better to address these real problems and, when it comes to a little shudder, act like Taylor Swift… and get rid of it.