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Susie Dent admits she eavesdrops on strangers’ conversations in the hope of hearing malapropisms

The list below was compiled after a survey of 2,000 Britons by Starkey Hearing Technologies in 2016:

1. ‘Money for nothing’ and free chips’. Correct text: ‘Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free’ from Dire Straits’ ‘Money For Nothing’.

2. ‘Every time you leave, you take a piece of meat with you’. Correct text: ‘Every time you go away take a piece of me with you’ from Paul Young’s ‘Every Time You Go Away’.

3. ‘Sue Lawley’. Correct text: ‘So lonely’ from ‘So Lonely’ by The Police.

4. ‘We built this city on sausage rolls’. Correct text: ‘We Built This City On Rock ‘n’ Roll’ from Starship’s ‘We Built This City’.

5. ‘Saving his life from this hot sausage tea’. Correct text: ‘Spare him his life from this monster’ from Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’.

6. ‘See that girl, watch her scream, the dancing queen kicks’. Correct text: ‘See that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the Dancing Queen’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

7. ‘Excuse me while I kiss this man’. Correct lyrics: ‘Excuse me while I kiss the sky’ from Jimi Hendrix’ ‘Purple Haze’.

8. ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tangerine’. Correct text: ‘Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine’ from ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

9. ‘Sweet dreams are made of cheese’. Correct text: ‘Sweet dreams are made of these’ from The Eurythmics’ ‘Sweet Dreams (are made of this)’.

10. ‘Call Jamaica’. Correct text: ‘Call me if you try to wake her’ from REM’s ‘The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite’.

11. ‘Or should I just keep hunting penguins’. Correct text: ‘Or should I just keep chasing sidewalks’ from Adele’s ‘Chasing Pavements’.

12. ‘All lonely Starbucks lovers’. Correct text: ‘Got a long list of ex-lovers’ from Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’.

13. ‘I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone’. Correct text: ‘I can see clear now, the rain is gone’ from Johnny Nash’s ‘I can see clear now’.

14. “Give me a man, give me a man after midnight, take me to the doctor at daybreak.” Correct text: ‘Take me through the dark to the break of the day’ from ABBA’s ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’.

15. ‘Poppadom Peach’. Correct text: ‘Papa don’t preach’ from Madonna’s ‘Papa don’t preach’.

16. “It doesn’t matter if we’re naked or not.” Correct Lyrics: ‘It Doesn’t Matter If We Make It Or Not’ from Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin’ On A Prayer’.

17. ‘I fart carrots’. Correct text: ‘I’m 14 carat’ from Selena Gomez’s ‘Good for you’.

18. ‘Then I saw her face, now I’m going to leave her’. Correct text: ‘Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer’ from The Monkees’ ‘I’m a Believer’.

19. ‘I want to hold your ham’. Correct text: ‘I want to hold your hand’ from The Beatles’ ‘I want to hold your hand’.

20. “Kicking your cat everywhere.” Correct text: ‘Kicking your can all over the place’ from Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’.

21. ‘Blue seal in the sky with diamonds’. Correct text: ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’ from The Beatles’ ‘Lucy in the sky with diamonds’.

22. ‘Dyslexics on fire’. Correct text: ‘Your sex is on fire’ from Kings of Leon’s ‘Sex on Fire’.

23. ‘Here we are now, in containers’. Correct text: ‘Here we are now, entertain us’ from Nirvana’s ‘Smells like teen spirit’.

24. “Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight”. Correct text: “That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight” from REM’s “Losing my Religion.”

25. ‘Bald-headed woman… bald-headed woman for me’. Correct text: ‘More than a woman… more than a woman to me’ from the Bee Gees’ ‘More than a woman’.

26. ‘I remove umbilicals’. Correct lyrics: ‘I believe in Miracles’ from Hot Chocolate’s ‘You Sexy Thing’.

27. ‘We’re caught in a trout’. Correct Lyrics: ‘We’re Caught in a Trap’ from Elvis Presley’s ‘Suspicious Minds’

28. ‘I’m Terry Wogan’. Correct text: ‘I’m every woman’ from Chaka Khan’s ‘I’m every woman’.

29. ‘Let me staple the pastor’. Correct text: ‘Just let me state for the record’ from Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Family’.

30. ‘This is the dawn of the asparagus era’. Correct text: ‘This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius’ from Fifth Dimension’s ‘Aquarius’.

31. ‘You’re the one who wiggles’. Correct text: ‘You’re the one that I want’ from John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John’s ‘One that I want’.

32. ‘Don’t go to the Jason falls’. Correct text: ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls’ from TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’.

33. ‘A year has passed since I broke my nose’. Correct text: ‘A year has passed since I wrote my note’ from ‘Message In A Bottle’ by The Police.

34. ‘Kick a chicken with it’. Correct text: ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’ from Will Smith’s ‘Gettin’ jiggy with it’.

35. ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza’. Correct text: ‘Hold me closer, tiny dancer’ from Elton John’s ‘Tiny Dancer’.

36. ‘Pull out your teeth, tell me what’s going on’. Correct text: ‘Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong’ from Abba’s ‘Chiquitita’.

37. ‘I like fat asses in a can of limes’. Correct lyric: ‘I like big butts and I can’t lie’ from Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’.

38. ‘We work for peanuts’. Correct text: ‘We’re heading for Venus’ from Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’.

39. “I died in your shed last night, mustard instead and no mayonnaise.” Correct text: ‘I died tonight in your arms, it must be something you said’ from Cutting Crew’s ‘I died tonight in your arms’.

40. ‘Aww crazy cow! Le freak, c’est sheep. Correct text: ‘Aww freak out! Le freak, c’est Chic’ from Chic’s ‘Le Freak’.

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