These are two words every parent dreads hearing from their adult children: “no contact.”
It’s the buzzword used by people in their twenties and thirties to describe keeping quiet about their parents, usually after sending a “goodbye letter” explaining their grievances.
Nowadays it seems like everyone knows at least one person whose children no longer talk to them “for mental health reasons.”
Some blame social media for this alarming and unprecedented trend; Others have suggested that mental health professionals are urging Millennials, the so-called ‘therapy generation’, to cut out their families entirely.
But what is less frequently discussed are parents who feel they have no choice but to sever ties with their adult children.
Most would find it difficult to understand why a parent would choose to have “no contact” with their children. But it happens, and these parents often have better reasons for choosing the path of estrangement than the younger generation.
Clinical psychologist Dr Carla Marie Manly says there are three “deal-breaker” behaviors that should make anyone reconsider a relationship, even with their own son or daughter.
If you encounter any of these problems, and your efforts to address the situation by setting clear boundaries are rejected, the best option may be “no contact.”
Clinical psychologist Dr Carla Marie Manly says there are three “deal-breaker” behaviors that should make anyone reconsider a relationship, even with their own son or daughter.
physical violence
Dr. Manly, a relationship expert for 20 years, explained to FEMAIL that people who are physically violent should not be given second chances..
That zero-tolerance approach includes adult children. If someone raises their hand to you and doesn’t realize what they did wrong, your walls should go up immediately.
If your child is over 18, you should call the police, no ifs ands or buts.. For younger children, a gentler response may be warranted, but be prepared to call the police if the situation escalates.
‘It is normal for two or three year old children to hit their parents so that they learn the limits. But after that it’s no longer appropriate,” he said.
‘If you see a pattern where a child behaves like this, then it is abnormal and your child needs to consult a psychologist for help. They need to find out if something is wrong neurologically. If they’re not regulating, then they need to learn how to do it.’
For a child or teenager who is not habitually violent but who, for example, “slaps you out of the blue” in a fit of anger, a firm conversation may be the solution.
“They need to be told that we have a calm and safe home and that we do not tolerate abuse,” Dr. Manly said.
“You can sit them down and say, ‘Look, you’ve never done this before, but it’s not right.’ Ask them how they’re doing, see if there’s anything going on in their life, but emphasize that this is never an excuse for violent behavior.
‘If they don’t take it seriously, then you have to be prepared to make the decision. If they continue to threaten, then it’s time to contact the police.
‘The first time a child older than, say, eight or ten years old is violent, it must be emphasized that it is inappropriate. The next time this happens is when the police should intervene.
If, for example, your 30-year-old son hits you or threatens your physical safety, you have no choice but to immediately go to the police: they are old enough to understand the concept of assault and domestic violence..
Involving the authorities does not always have to mean the end of the relationship. You can say that you want to be there for them. Maybe they lost their job or are in the middle of a divorce; you can sympathize without condoning the behavior.
But safety must always be the priority, and this means that contact may have to be limited, perhaps to telephone conversations or meetings only in company. until they have regained their confidence.
Property damage and threats of physical violence fall into the same category, says Dr. Manly. People should not give their children endless opportunities if they damage the house, its contents, or threaten to hurt other people under the same roof.
It is important for parents to tell their children exactly where the limits are and when they have crossed them. Physical violence and emotional abuse should be off limits
emotional abuse
Emotionally abusive people It should be treated with extreme caution, explains Dr. Manly. You need to set firm boundaries and respect them or else the relationship simply won’t be able to continue.
Parents should not be expected to tolerate their children calling them names, belittling them, or emotionally blackmailing them when they don’t get their way.
Adult children must also realize that apologizing without action They are just another form of manipulation.
“People who threaten your relationship by saying things like, ‘I won’t talk to you unless…” or “I won’t love you unless…”, that’s an unsafe situation,” Dr. Manly said.
Threatening to deny access to grandchildren can also fall into this category.
A relationship is “not necessarily doomed” if these issues are present, but there is a lot of work to do, and it starts with making it clear that you will not accept the behavior.
When faced with this type of emotional abuse, the best course of action may be to take time in the relationship to feel safe and the other person can understand why their behavior was wrong..
Repeat back to your child what you just said and explain why you are emotionally abusive. Tell them you are taking a time out and will reconnect in a month.
Financial abuse
Borrowing money all the time is one thing, never paying it back is another, and taking it without asking is a completely different beast.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a $20 bill taken out of “Mom’s purse” or a sneaky use of the family credit card, if you have reasonable grounds to suspect that your adult child is stealing from you, is another time to set strong boundaries.
If your child refuses to accept this, you may have no choice but to go “no contact.” However, a first step could be to simply ban them from your home.
“It may be the case, if they are adult children, that you let them know that they can no longer come to your house,” Dr. Manly said.
‘It would be perfectly fine to do that. You could let them know that you’re happy to continue the relationship in a controlled environment but that you don’t feel safe having them in your home right now.’
Dr Manly says parents should always feel safe in their own home
Dr. Manly says it’s important to talk to your adult children to understand what’s going on in their lives because stealing money can be a sign of unsavory activity.
Alternatively, if they are younger children still living at home, then a firm conversation about honesty is needed.
While not as serious as theft, a family member who constantly borrows money without paying it back is also cause for concern..
Agreements are crucial when it comes to borrowing money. As a parent, you can tell your child that you realize you didn’t make clear any agreements about payments in the past, but that starts today.
They may be angry at first, and that’s okay, as long as they react safely. But you shouldn’t change your boundaries to make them happy. Simply explain to them that they cannot borrow any more money until their debt is paid off and hold firm.
You can say, “I see you’re angry, but I’m taking care of my financial well-being and my boundaries.”
If your child continues to ignore those boundaries and pester you for cash, then you’ll need to think about creating a solid no-lending rule.
Dr. Carla Marie Manly is a psychologist and attachment expert and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Safe Relationships.
She has worked as a psychologist for 20 years, written four books, and hosts the podcast Imperfect Love.