TVs Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, sign on them 20 years of marriage to resolve your relationship problems. . .
Q: Last weekend I got a big queue with my husband after he read some messages I had sent to a friend – about him.
He often borrows my laptop without asking – which I don't mind – but this time I turned out to have left my Facebook open and claimed that he could not help but see & # 39 ;.
I had complained to my friend that he never pulls his weight through the house. . . my husband and I are both in their early 50's, work full time and have two children.
An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom Parker of TV for advice about her husband reading her messages (file image)
I feel that he just expects me to tidy everyone up, including him. It drives me crazy and I just had to air. I never thought he would see it, but he did it and confronted me.
I was so angry – it feels like a privacy violation for him to have read my messages.
He always reads my texts over my shoulder, which is bad. What shall I do?
STEPH SAYS: Your letter could not have come at a better time, because while I am typing, I am sitting in the middle of a row with my husband. We fight for odd jobs.
With the kids back to school, there was laundry everywhere. And if my dear husband interrupts me once more to ask for something to be done – or, worse, tries to do it myself and does it wrong, then I will lose it!
So I am very much in your problem and I understand the frustration that led you to send the messages that caused the problem. Because this happens in every relationship.
Now I don't have all the answers – if I did, I wouldn't be bickering with my loved one right now – but I do know one thing that will help.
Be honest with yourself. Admit there is nothing special about your husband. If he just does less than you do? Welcome to the vast majority of relationships. It may be taboo to admit it, but in general women do much more than men at home. We just do it. If we want things to be the way we want them to be.
For example, Dom likes to go shopping. But if I don't send photos – real photos – of what is needed, he gets the wrong one. Each. Single. Time.
Steph (photo on the left with Dom) advised the reader to put herself in her husband's shoes to imagine how hurt the messages would have done to him
So I sent him the pictures & # 39; s. If I allowed it, it could really annoy me. So I just accept that it's true and remind myself that I love him and that it doesn't really matter.
And if that's not enough? Then I moan about it to a friend! It is part of the way women treat each other. Because we want to share our irritations.
When we talk about a problem with a man, he will try to solve it, but often that is not what we really want. We want to share our feelings, connect, be heard and validated. Knowing that our concerns are completely normal and are shared by everyone.
We all complain about our men!
And that's what you need to make clear to your husband. He thinks something much sinister is going on. Tell him that you felt overwhelmed and ventilated to a friend. That's all.
He clearly feels insecure, and I can imagine that this is partly due to the fact that these are messages he has read. The written word is heavier than it should be.
Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine reading a series of messages that snarled you – you would get hurt. So apologize and continue. Offer him your other messages. There must be no secrets between you.
And next time? See your friend in real life!
DOM SAYS: Hmm. Well, this is interesting. I will begin by saying that neither Steph nor I have anything to hide from each other, but we would never read each other's messages unless we were expressly invited to do this.
Even then it can feel a bit uncomfortable. A few days ago I asked Steph to answer a text for me while I was driving and from the corner of my eye I saw her scroll up again.
Dom (photo) says her husband was rude to read the messages and apologize
Despite the fact that I had asked her to do this, and although there is literally nothing that I would like to remember, I must confess that I felt rather strange.
Your texts are pieces of a conversation, I suppose, and if it was a conversation between two, it feels a little strange to open up to three.
So I can very well understand that your husband would let you hang around your screen.
It's just rude to read over someone's shoulder.
It doesn't matter if it is your husband, wife, colleague or friend. We're all naturally curious – but it's just not ready. However, forget his attention to your text messages. What your husband did here is even worse. Reading your e-mails or messages on social media is in fact the equivalent of reading your message or, even worse, your diary – a total privacy breach and not at all.
I think he's completely wrong because he did, and I have no reason to recommend that you change the password for your laptop and close it outside.
You must also ask him for an apology.
He has to apologize for his bead eye
But then you also have to apologize to him. Because you are also wrong here. You are guilty of washing your dirty laundry in public and have embarrassed your husband. I would be very upset if Steph did this.
There are ways to blow off steam and tackle problems, and this is not one of them.
I wouldn't mind if my wife moaned over me on the phone to a friend in front of me – but behind my back? No. I don't like that.
So acknowledge that your partner is upset and tell him that you are sorry that he has hurt his feelings.
Then? Solve the underlying problem, which seems to be that he is not pulling on his weight.
You say you both work. Well, you also share the work at home.
Remind your husband that owning a few testicles is no obstacle to hurling a Hoover from time to time!
Real men are not afraid to do their part at home.
If you have a question you would like Steph and Dom tackle, write to: email@example.com
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