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Steph & Dom: My husband will not let my daughter move home

TVs Steph and Dom Parker, 53 and 55, draw on their 22-year marriage to solve your relationship problems. . .

Ask: My daughter and her husband are buying a brand new house. They have to sell their property to continue and they have been fortunate enough to make an offer on their existing home.

The problem I have is this: their new home will not be ready until February and they have to move before then. It seems that there are four to six weeks that they have nowhere to live.

An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom Parker for advice on her husband who didn't want their daughter to move in with them (file image)

An anonymous reader asked Steph and Dom Parker for advice on her husband who didn’t want their daughter to move in with them (file image)

Moving is very expensive, of course, and they can’t afford to rent a place to cross them. However, I am very willing to hang them in our three-bedroom house for the duration. But my husband will disagree.

I will do everything I can to help my children. Why do you think he’s so unreasonable about this?

STEPH SAYS: I am sorry to read about your dilemma. While this is a difficult family problem for you, I also found it refreshing to get a letter that is not about the trials and tribulations of closing.

Your letter is about the future. I agree that you have a real problem, but it is also about the good things that are at stake for your family.

It’s about the life that goes on, and it’s heartwarming to receive a letter about something positive in such gloomy times.

So let’s find out what your husband objects to so that you can think again about the positive direction your family is taking.

I understand you think he’s unfair. Our children are always our children. Even when they are adults, at some point they will run straight to Mom and Dad if something goes wrong – and it continues long after they left home.

Perhaps your husband thought he had gone through that phase, fulfilled his responsibilities, and was looking forward to a private time with you. But as mothers, we know that life is not like that.

Steph (photo, with Dom) told the reader that if her husband remains unmoved, she should offer to self-finance a short-term lease for the period

Steph (photo, with Dom) told the reader that if her husband remains unmoved, she should offer to self-finance a short-term lease for the period

Steph (photo, with Dom) told the reader that if her husband remains unmoved, she should offer to self-finance a short-term lease for the period

I’m thrilled that your daughter and her husband are buying a new home – it’s a brand new beginning. I’d say you’ve done your parental duties admirably!

I think your husband is very stubborn and you deserve to know why. You don’t know if he’s unreasonable until you know the reason.

Is it because he doesn’t want to share his wife? Or its space? Is it reluctant to change his routines or give up his privacy? Whatever the reason, he has to share it with you.

Four to six weeks (or even longer!) Sharing your space day and night with your grown-up kids may not be easy – even a two-week family vacation can be tricky – but if you commit to being older, your job never ends .

Tell him you pay their rent then

Simply put, as a mother you will never be able to say no if your daughter asks for help.

Talk to your husband; ask him what his reasons are for refusing them and tackle them one by one.

If he remains unmoved even if you tell him that his little girl is asking and more importantly wants to come home, offer to finance a short-term rent yourself.

Your husband may not be happy about that either, but at least you know she’ll be safe and won’t miss her dream home. But that is a last resort. If I were you, I’d stick to your weapons to let her stay.

DOM SAYS: I am delighted to hear that your daughter and her husband are buying a new home – what an exciting time for all of you. This should be a happy and proud moment for the whole family, so why the hell did your husband say no?

Perhaps the difficulty is his son-in-law – maybe he occasionally rubs with him perfectly at lunch, but doesn’t want to bump into him in the middle of the night.

Or he may feel that because he has reached a certain age, he doesn’t want or need to spend his time – or space – with anyone else.

Dom (photo) advised the wife to present a united front with her husband, as their relationship could be damaged if their daughter comes to stay

Dom (photo) advised the wife to present a united front with her husband, as their relationship could be damaged if their daughter comes to stay

Dom (photo) advised the wife to present a united front with her husband, as their relationship could be damaged if their daughter comes to stay

I’m sure he loves his daughter unconditionally, but he may not want to live with her. After all, they talk about four to six weeks and that’s a long time to put up with everyone, even someone we love.

Either way, you’ve been told they’ll be staying four to six weeks, but they want to move into a brand new home. And with brand new, I assume you mean ‘not ready yet’. And we all know that builders are never on time, ditto home sales. It is very likely that their ‘four to six weeks’ will become six to eight or even twelve weeks.

So I’m not so sure if your husband is unreasonable.

He’s right, they may never leave

But while I understand his perspective, I understand yours too, and for the record, I would like to do exactly the same as you.

My advice, however, is to present a unified front and side with your husband.

If he thinks so strongly, chances are that if your daughter and her husband stay overnight, the relationship will be damaged. But you also have to help your daughter. I think the way to do this would be to help her renegotiate the terms of her move. Chains are awful, but dates aren’t always set in stone.

Maybe your daughter and her husband can renegotiate and adjust their price to a modest amount to cover a rent, or rearrange their move date with the buyer.

This would be wise to do – it protects everyone’s relationship. Living with parents for weeks is often enough to get people to do strange things.

Listen to your husband and try to make sure you fully understand that it may be his reason to avoid arguments and protect his family.

Unwanted guests can be a bomb explosion that ruins everything. Try to find a less emotional solution to the problem.

If you have a question you want Steph and Stupid to tackle, write to: stephandness @dailymail.co.uk

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