Dear Jana,
My husband recently dropped a bombshell on me: he told me that his biggest fantasy would be to see me in bed with another man, specifically one of his younger, more attractive coworkers. He insists that this would be the perfect birthday present for him.
At first I was stunned, but now that I’ve seen a picture of his colleague I’m a little intrigued. The only thing I’m curious about is whether this will change the way my husband sees me or whether I’ll live up to his fantasy. Should I accept it or avoid it?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Oh, I love it when couples dare to share their fantasies, and I commend you for not shaming him for his kinks. It’s certainly better for them to explore those kinks behind each other’s backs, although this doesn’t seem like it would really work without your involvement.
The fact that you feel intrigued rather than horrified is a good sign. There’s nothing wrong with exploring this fantasy if it excites you. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not just to keep your husband from straying from his path.
Now, let’s answer the real question: how will this change the dynamic between you? A healthy dose of caution is essential. It’s one thing to indulge in a fantasy, but quite another to have it alter the way he sees you. Make sure you’re both on the same page, and remember that fantasies can be exciting, but sometimes they come with unintended consequences. Maybe tell him you’ll try it once, but it won’t be a regular occurrence. Well, unless you end up loving it.
As for living up to the fantasy, well, girl, if it intrigues you, go ahead and go with the flow. Just remember that you’re not a supporting element in his fantasy; you’re a fabulous, irresistible force in your own right, and you need to do a periodic check-in to make sure you’re enjoying it.
Do what feels right to you and make sure you don’t sacrifice your self-respect for someone else’s sexual benefits.
Jana Hocking offers advice to Australians who confess their dark secrets
Dear Jana,
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and I’ve repeatedly asked him to unfollow his ex on social media. While I don’t think there’s anything going on between them, he admitted that she broke his heart when we first started dating. Asking him to unfollow her always ends up in arguments.
He insists that she isn’t a problem and refuses to cut off contact, which makes me feel at a disadvantage. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him keeping her in his social media circle and her constantly liking all of his photos. I wonder if they both have something in common for each other.
Even though I admit that this makes me feel insecure, he ignores my feelings, calls me crazy, and doesn’t choose between me and her. Am I being unreasonable or is it time to reconsider this relationship?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
No, no, no. He’s wrong, you’re right.
This is clearly eating you alive, and as someone who knows the dangers of being with someone who doesn’t care to follow the ghosts of his past girlfriends, I totally understand the sincere pain you feel every time you see his name come up.
Let me be very clear: your feelings are completely valid and it’s important to recognize that your actions are giving you clear warning signs: big, rude, nasty ones.
And if I’m being completely honest, it seems like he’s having a hard time cutting the umbilical cord with his past relationship. Ouch.
What particularly bothers me about you is him dismissing your feelings and calling you crazy. Oh, not today, Satan! This kind of behavior is a form of psychological manipulation, which is a serious problem in any relationship. I mean, have you watched Love Island? It’s something that’s rampant in our current dating scene and shouldn’t be tolerated. It undermines your emotions and makes you doubt your own reality.
So I think it’s crucial that you consider your own well-being. I would try to have a calm and honest conversation about how their social media choices affect you. Express your feelings without accusing or blaming, and listen to their perspective as well.
If he still doesn’t realize that it bothers you, I would reflect on whether this relationship is fulfilling your needs and whether you feel respected. Your feelings and needs are important and you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you. Period.
“People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling amazing,” says Jana
Dear Jana,
I recently spent my entire tax refund on fillers and Botox, and now my husband is furious. We’re supposed to be saving up for a deposit on a house, and he insists I should have used the money for that. But this is my hard-earned money, and after turning 40, I’ve been feeling pretty bad about my appearance.
Should I feel guilty about this treat or is it fair for me to indulge myself and prioritize my self-esteem? I have never felt so sexy!
Josefina
Girl,
In the immortal words of Aziz Ansari’s character on ‘Parks and Rec’: Treat yourself! Do you skip meals or skimp on toilet paper? No. So why should you feel ashamed for indulging in a little indulgence?
Look, I get it: Being an adult sometimes means we have to make tough decisions, but honestly, that deposit on a house can wait. You just turned 40, and if a few needles makes you feel like a hot, glowing goddess, then I say go for it! Embrace that va va voom.
Heck, my dermatologist is practically on a first-name basis; when I walk into that office, my motto is, “Throw needles at me like I’m a human dartboard!”
It’s your money, your self-esteem, and your attractiveness. So tell him to stop nagging you and let you live your best life. People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling amazing.
(tags to translate)dailymail