Dear Jana,
I’m a 46-year-old divorced mother who just started dating again after almost three years. I tried dating men in their 40s and 50s, but it never worked out. So I took a chance and started dating guys in their 20s and 30s. I ended up in an unexpected relationship with a 27-year-old man, and it’s one of the best and healthiest relationships I’ve ever had.
But at a recent dinner party, one of my best friends jokingly called me a “cougar,” and the joke quickly caught on in the group. While I’m normally pretty laid-back and happily admit to enjoying the attention from younger guys on dating apps, being labeled a “cougar” seems a little insulting to me. It seems to imply that my interest in younger men is somehow ridiculous or predatory. It’s made me wonder if there’s something wrong with my middle-aged dating choices or if I’m just being overly sensitive.
Am I making too much of a big deal out of this or are my friends being inconsiderate?
Anonymous
Oh girl.
27 is not a predator! That man has been legally allowed to drink, vote, and lie naked on nude beaches for the past nine years!
So let me congratulate you for diving back into the dating world with such enthusiasm. Dating younger guys is all the rage right now. Just ask Cher, Priyanka Chopra and Cameron Diaz.
Jana Hocking offers advice to Australians who confess their dark secrets
And believe me, I’ve met enough Peter Pans in their 40s and 50s to know that age is just a number.
Now, about this whole “cougar” thing. Look, I get it. When I hear that word, the first thing that comes to mind is Stifler’s mom, and it sounds kind of gross. So yeah, it can sting a little when you feel like people are reducing you to a punchline. But here’s the thing: Your love life is yours, and if you’re happy and it’s working, that’s all that really matters.
Have three glasses of wine and tell those chicks to go fuck themselves.
Well, not really. But think of it this way: if they’re joking around about it, it’s probably because they find it fascinating or intriguing. And if you’re having a great relationship with this younger guy, then your friends’ comments are just background noise to your fabulous new love (and, I’m assuming, sex) life.
You’re not being overly sensitive, you’re just attuned to the fact that words can sometimes hurt more than intended. So I say enjoy your new relationship and let the naysayers deal with their own back issues and inconveniences. You can handle this.
Dear Jana,
I keep catching my very suspicious girlfriend snooping on my phone. I swear I’m not cheating on her, but my Google search history is embarrassing. We talk about things like “How to fake being sick without getting caught,” “Normal penis size,” “Hangover cures,” and “Why does my dog hate me?” I need to figure out how to get her to stop using my phone. Do you have any tips?
Health,
Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
I have a very clever solution for you! I learned it from a podcast hosted by Sylvester Stallone’s daughters called “unwaxed” which I know is very weird.
This trick is bad news for people who are paranoid about relationships! (**Hangs head in shame!) But Sophia Stallone broke the Internet when she revealed that there’s a new iPhone update that allows you to lock an app and hide it.
So if you lock an app, it means you now have a second layer of passwords (i.e. a second passcode or Face ID) to open it. You’re going to opt for Face ID, buddy!
“I’ve met enough Peter Pans in their 40s and 50s to know that age is just a number,” says Jana.
And if you block an app, you won’t receive any notifications. How convenient!
The new update also ensures that apps you’ve blocked have no evidence of a search history, call history, or recent map searches. Handy for your “normal penis size” debacle.
PLUS, if you hide an app (like the Google app, for example), no one except the phone owner knows where to find it!
Good news for cheaters and those who are fed up with their partners spying on them!
So update your phone. If you have an Android phone, it’s your fault. Also, how the hell did you get a girlfriend? Green text messages from Android users are a real pain!
Dear Jana,
Every time my ex gets drunk, he calls or texts me to tell me how much he misses me and ask if he can come over to his place. I sleep soundly and most of the time I don’t see these texts until the morning, but sometimes I’ve given in to temptation and the next morning he always apologizes and tells me that we should try to move on from the breakup.
For reference, he dumped me a few months ago saying he wasn’t ready to settle down and it broke my heart. I don’t know whether to try to move on or let him go out and have some fun so he can realize the grass isn’t greener. I mean, if he was, he wouldn’t be communicating with me, right? Should I set a healthier boundary and tell him to stop communicating with me after a few drinks? Every time I see his name come up, it gives me hope.
This all seems very confusing to me.
Sasha
Okay, Sasha, I’m going to be honest with you. First of all, your ex is a horny loser. He dumped you because he wasn’t ready to settle down and now he’s begging you to come back when he’s drunk. That’s not love, that’s desperation with a boner.
Second, you’re not doing yourself any favors by allowing him back into your life. Every time you give in to temptation, you’re just giving him more power over you. You need to set a boundary and tell him to stop communicating with you when he’s drunk. He wants easy attention and you’re giving it to him. By simply ignoring him, you’re turning that man into a caveman and making him go out to hunt you down. Men really like the chase. Weird.
Third, you need to move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
So, here’s what I suggest:
• Block your number
• Delete all your text messages and emails.
• Unfollow him on social media.
• Go out with your friends
• Dating someone new
It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who just wants to use you when they’re lonely. I heard a quote last week that said, “Every time you say no to someone who won’t commit, you’re setting your future self up for success.” And that’s not the case!