Dear Jana,
My partner has always had long blonde hair, which I found incredibly attractive. However, she recently came home with a pixie haircut dyed brown and her new look is really masculine. She has also been working out intensively and her body has changed significantly.
I’m struggling with these changes and I feel less attracted to her, which bothers me a lot. I want to talk about my feelings with her, but I don’t want to seem insensitive or sexist.
How can I approach this conversation in a way that respects her decisions but also takes into account how I feel? I didn’t sign a contract to marry someone who looks more like a man than a woman and I feel like my own wife has cheated on me!
Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
Oh for the love of God, man, do NOT bring up the fact that you think she “looks more like a man”, I repeat, do not!
The only thing this will achieve is to provoke carnage, tears and divorce papers.
Jana Hocking offers advice to three Australians who have found themselves in a series of awkward and disturbing situations.
However… I’m not going to lie. I feel sorry for you. In fact, I compare it to the time I got cheated on when my date turned out to be at least 20kg heavier than their online dating photos.
You go through the process of feeling cheated, outraged, and, frankly, upset! However, that’s where the similarities end, I’m afraid, because your wife didn’t cheat on you. When you first met her, she looked different, and like all interesting human beings, as she got older, she moved on to new interests and ways of expressing herself through her image. Now, bravo for wanting to talk about this with your wife without hurting her feelings – I certainly commend you for that. So here’s what you should do: When you talk to her, think of it as sharing a feeling, not a complaint.
I would approach her with curiosity rather than criticism (women are very sensitive when it comes to our appearance!). I would say something like, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been changing things up a bit and I’m having a hard time keeping up. Is there something behind this new look?” But again, DO NOT say she looks masculine. See if you can figure out her new style.
All long-term relationships will have some unexpected twists and turns during their existence, and you’ve just hit one. Who knows, maybe it’s just a phase and she’ll grow out of it again. All women like to experiment with their looks – I still shudder to think about my awful “marginal period” phase. It doesn’t mean it’s forever.
Here’s to embracing the unexpected and having a wife who’s brave enough to try new looks.
Dear Jana,
My brother and his new wife are very affectionate with each other, and it’s disgusting the whole family at family gatherings. They kiss like teenagers, slap each other on the butt, and use a lot of innuendo when they talk to each other in front of everyone.
I find this very inappropriate, especially in front of my children, who should not be exposed to so much sexual energy. How do I tell them to calm down in public?
Anonymous
“All long-term relationships will have some plot twists throughout their existence,” Jana said.
Dear Anonymous,
Yuck! It’s like Kourtney and Travis realized I’m not a fan of that! There’s something viscerally disgusting about hearing people kissing with so much saliva and lip-smacking. It has no regard for the people around them, and you’re right: it’s highly inappropriate. Unlike the advice I gave the gentleman before you, I would tell him straight up.
I’d say, “Guys, take a break! You’re grossing out everyone around you!” If they don’t stop, kick them out and withdraw all family invitations until their horny hormones get back on track. There’s nothing wrong with being all kissy during your private couple time (I love it, actually), but in public it’s just rude.
Tell them to leave their sexy games at the door.
Dear Jana,
I hope you can help me as I don’t know what to do. My husband started taking Viagra. I was recently away for a night and he had a “work function”. When I got home, I noticed that one was missing.
I think he may be secretly dating someone from his workplace. I don’t know what to do or say. I know he’s going to deny anything happened, but my gut tells me otherwise. We used to spoon every night, now I just give him a quick goodnight kiss. There’s no intimacy. I’m devastated. Please help.
Anonymous
Oh anonymous,
I’m sorry to say that the evidence is not in your favour in this case. I completely understand why you feel a little nervous and distrustful.
However, let’s consider other factors that could be at play. Unlike women, whose sex drive tends to increase with age (hello, 40-somethings!), men’s sex drive tends to decrease. So that could be why intimacy in your relationship has plummeted.
Plus, maybe he wanted to try Viagra on his own to enjoy some “alone” time, if you know what I mean.
I can imagine losing your old friend’s umm… strength can be quite daunting (pun intended) when you want to “relieve some tension”, so perhaps he used it for a solo adventure?
Final question: Did you get a pixie haircut like the lady in the previous question? Apparently that’s a real boner killer. Apologies, I shouldn’t be joking.
But before we jump to conclusions, maybe we’d better chat a little about his sexual drives and dig a little deeper to see if he still sees himself as a stallion or more like an old mare that’s been put out in a pasture. You’d be surprised what a conversation can reveal.
If all else fails, check their phone. (I kid, I kid, a little.)
