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The rise of dating apps over the past decade has changed the way people forge relationships, and a 2022 Pew study found that 53% of American adults under age 30 had used online dating.
But dating apps have caused dissatisfaction and despair among many users, as Pew found. 46% of all users (and 51% of women) had a negative experience with online dating.
Some dating companies have faced business difficulties recently: Bumble’s shares fell 30% last month after a poor earnings report and Match Group announced this year a 8% drop in paying Tinder users and cutting 6% of its global workforce.
The Guardian asked people to share why they had decided to leave dating apps and forge connections in other ways.
“I quit apps on Valentine’s Day. I definitely felt better emotionally.”
I’ve been single for about 12 years and have been on apps since they came out.
I’ve found London men in particular to be unconventional, chronically busy, or emotionally unavailable. Most of them match with me, but never text me, and those who do tend to jump right into innuendo and try to steer the conversation in a direction I don’t want it to go.
I got off the apps on Valentine’s Day. I definitely felt better emotionally and I attended several speed dating events, which are my favorites. It’s a much more organic way to meet someone. But I admit that I’ve only recently gotten back on the apps and I’m already feeling a little lost. Claire, 38 years old, London
“My heart raced. But then I texted him…”
I’ve used dating apps on and off since I ended a long-term relationship 10 years ago. I would routinely delete Bumble when my confidence dropped from not having meaningful connections. But I would download it again and repeat the cycle out of boredom, desperation, and curiosity.
Through Bumble I met an attractive, hard-working man who was well-traveled, connected to his culture, and seemed to be loyal and close to his family. We texted a lot and were excited to get to know each other. We met for brunch near my house, and he was chatty, friendly, and complimented me on my appearance. He came back to have a cup of tea at my place, and as he was leaving, he asked to see me again. I said yes. He then looked me in the eyes and asked to kiss me. Of course!
After he left, my heart was in turmoil. But when I texted him that night, I got no response. A few days later, I followed up. “I feel like you might not want to see each other again.” He didn’t respond. A few days later, I was swiping and saw this man again with a profile from another country and different photos. The whole thing completely freaked me out and I deleted the app. I felt like a lot of men on dating sites don’t really know what they want. Louise, 41 years old, Perth (Australia))
“I missed the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I caught someone’s attention in the real world.”
I’ve used dating apps on and off since Tinder became popular. At first, they were a fun way to get dates, but as I’ve gotten older, the urge to meet someone in the real world, away from the algorithms of big tech companies, has become stronger. I’m so tired of the gamification, the constant swiping, and the managing of dates. It’s like having a second job!
In June I decided to make a radical change and quit cold turkey. I have really enjoyed the thrill and risk of flirting in real life. As a gay man, I feel a strong need to communicate through apps, but I realized that I missed the nervousness you feel when you catch the eye at a club or event and take it from there.
Yes, you can get knocked down or make the wrong decision, but it’s a lot more fun than riding the merry-go-round. I don’t have a boyfriend yet, but I’m enjoying the ride a lot more. Ben, 33 years old, Copenhagen
“People don’t represent who they really are on dating apps”
For about 16 years I’ve used dating apps off and on. I feel like people don’t represent who they really are. Maybe they represent who they want to be. My most significant relationship of four years was through an app, but he lied a lot about himself, hiding his location, that he was divorced and had a kid, and other aspects. I didn’t care that he was divorced or had a kid, but it was weird how he hid it from me. I now realize that the app allowed him to lie about who he was.
Eventually, the drain on energy became too much, so I stopped. Now I look forward to making connections by doing the things I love. Overall, being single and free was amazing – no more fake small talk or dodging weird guys trying to sext me! Kaye, 36, Los Angeles
“I will definitely not rush back to the dreaded ‘The app alerts me at any time’
I discovered Tinder when I was living in London in 2013, and then moved on to Bumble and Hinge when I was living in Los Angeles. But even in two major cities, I had minimal success and deleted them earlier this year.
What I don’t like is that apps encourage you to be quite superficial when it comes to swiping right. I tended to swipe right on guys who were “my type” or fit society’s standards of “handsome.” I love adventure sports, so any guy with rock climbing photos got me an instant swipe right. But this attitude didn’t do me any good – it led to being dumped, no chemistry and boring dates. Since I stopped using the app and moved back to the UK, I was set up on a date with a friend of a friend. I thought, why not?
Would I have swiped right? Honestly, probably not, but so far it’s going really well – we had instant chemistry! It’s boosted my confidence immensely, proving to me that there is hope outside of apps. It just goes to show that sometimes we’re surprised by what actually works for us in real life. I definitely won’t be going back to the dreaded apps anytime soon. Ellie, 35 years old, Kent
“I internalized a distorted vision of reality”
My dating life after college only happened through dating apps, and I met my ex-girlfriend through Tinder in 2017. I also found them useful for meeting people while traveling in Thailand. But dating apps in the 2020s seem a lot less fun. It’s like less is shown to not-so-attractive people, and there’s an injustice to that: relying on Eurocentric beauty standards.
As a South Asian man, I noticed that I was getting very few likes from white women in London. And I started to internalise this implicit feedback, that I was unattractive and undesirable, which, in retrospect, was allowing dating apps to distort my view of reality. I remember going to parties and getting interest from white women and thinking: how could they possibly be interested in me as a brown man? Growing up as a member of a minority, apps magnified this sense of otherness.
Striking up a conversation with a stranger is much more anxiety-inducing, but since I’ve been off apps, it’s been wonderful connecting with people (not just romantically), whether it’s talking to a Nigerian grandpa in a cafe or grabbing coffee with a cute girl from yoga class. It’s great to meet people without the need for corporations or algorithms. Peter, 31 years old, London