Social media companies, here are some free theme park ideas to comply with Florida’s deplatforming law
The edge is deeply invested in service journalism; we report on corporate misdeeds, we review expensive products to tell you if they are worth your hard-earned money, and we speak to industry leaders to get their insights on the issues affecting their businesses and their customers.
It’s in that vein that we brainstormed some ideas for social media theme parks in Florida.
See, the Sunshine State passed a law this week blocking social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter from ‘knowingly’ wiping out politicians and even ranking content algorithmically, with a fine ranging from $ 25,000 to $ 250,000 per day (The law, which is a hodgepodge of broad speech rules, has already been challenged in court by the tech companies’ trade associations, calling it “a head-on attack on the First Amendment.”)
But there is an easier way. The law provides a hilariously corrupt exemption for any business that owns or operates an amusement park or large entertainment complex in the state of Florida. Republican State Rep. Blaise Ingoglia said an exemption was included so that the Disney Plus streaming service “doesn’t get caught up in this.” The Disney World Park in Orlando brings in significant tax revenue for Florida, of course, a state that relies heavily on tourism dollars.
So all Twitter, Facebook, TikTok et al. To do to comply with the law and avoid the gnarled First Amendment matter of government speech rules is to build their own Floridian theme parks.
Here are our suggestions for the parks, including some ideas for appropriately themed rides the locations can offer:
- Has a secret nightclub called Slides
- Sells drinks called canoes
- The Ratio is a dunk tank in which you are dropped in water for your bad takes
- Whac-A-Mole is Block-A-Troll instead
- A water-themed ride that takes you past and random guys try to pull you into the water: Reply Guys, the ride
- Roller coaster goes sideways
The only problem with Twitterland is that it keeps opening great rides and then completely falling apart.
- All rides suddenly turn to video without warning
- A haunted house attraction called Facebook moderation
- Instagram and WhatsApp once had separate parks, but they have been added to the Facebook park and turned into shopping centers
- The water park has a slide to radicalism
- If you are detained by security, you will be placed in the Racist Uncle Time Out Room
- An Instagram mirror room with mirrors that give you an Insta-ready body with lighting made for photos and then make you feel awful when you get to the last mirror, which has heavy shadows for lighting and no body editing at all
- A hall of mirrors that guides you through random rides without any information or warning, and gradually fine-tunes your experience using the advanced biometric monitor in your access wristband
- Alternatively, the entire park is just the set of the Weeknd Super Bowl Halftime show where a Backyardigans track is played on a loop
It’s just a bunch of themed photo booths that produce those little photo comics, but you have to wait in line and read 200 words before you can ride the Recipe Rollercoaster.
- A giant haunted house that closed eight years ago, but high school kids still break into it at night
- The entire park was littered with discontinued Google products
Club house Club house
It’s just one big infinity room where you walk in and hear men talking to you and about each other about Bitcoin.
A Renaissance fair that ended up sharing its ownership agreement with a prison, thanks to a tricky misunderstanding in the C-suite. Many guests are incredibly dedicated cosplayers in beautiful historically accurate costumes. Many are petty criminals. A few are serial killers. Try to guess which one!
- Has a ride where you seem to climb higher and higher forever, but then fall dangerously to the earth after a botched apology
- To enter the park you have to smash the like button
- The Thumbnail Ride promises non-stop conflict, but is really just a pretty chill afternoon
- Each ride lasts at least 10 minutes, so there may be a mid-roll break in it
- If you take a wrong turn at the bathrooms, you’ll occasionally run into an off-brand superhero ride that ends in a spike pit. No one knows who paid for or designed these rides, but kids find them inexplicably fascinating
- You can’t leave unless you ring the bell, and then you will receive notifications to remind you to return to YouTubeLand for the rest of your life
- Really big and expensive and in many ways the gold standard for all other parks, but no one seems to be in control?
- Rides disappear after you ride them once
- All machines sell Spectacles, but no one buys them
- Unfortunately, the park has had a tough time as all of its best attractions are cloned by Facebook World within six months
- Temporarily closed as it accidentally opened up another racist drive