Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’s ultimate insight into this week’s soaps

There are many looks that soapland characters have to take on during their lifetime: heartbreak (often when your partner cheats on you), sad (when someone dies – also often, but much worse if it’s a dog), despair (anyone who has ever had little money /food/alcohol). But by far the most common is anxiety.

Now, the Cambridge English Dictionary’s definition of fear is ‘a feeling of extreme fear and unhappiness’, and you might think that applies to just about everyone, but there are those who have it to the extreme.

Take EastEnders’ Callum: the man is a walking existential crisis. You get the feeling that if Ben moved Callum’s toothbrush to another part of the bathroom, the distraught cop would have to undergo a year of therapy.

Corey recalls the aftermath of this week’s attack on Nina and Seb on Coronation Street. Pictured: Kelly with Seb

Then there’s Corrie’s Toyah – she could go to Disneyland and make it look like a wake (even that permanent grin is a Titanic of lips, just feeling impending doom). And don’t get me started on the young people of Emmerdale…ever thought of just hanging out with your friends and watching YouTube?

Calm down, folks! Life is too short!

KRONINGSSTREET: TEST AND TERROR

There’s inevitably a sinking feeling when something takes place in a courtroom near Weatherfield: It has the air of the Trumpton puppet show, and you half expect firefighters Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grubb to object from the rafters going to scream.

It’s moments like these that we remember Norris, the court jester par excellence, with his stash of candy and one-liners; but due to the gravity of Seb’s death, it’s clear the show can’t resort to its usual lightheartedness, especially since the attack on Nina and Seb’s murder is based on the real, truly devastating death of Sophie Lancaster.

The attack on Nina (pictured) and the murder of Seb is based on the real, truly devastating death of Sophie Lancaster

The attack on Nina (pictured) and the murder of Seb is based on the real, truly devastating death of Sophie Lancaster

As Nina’s memory returns, flashbacks to the night in question gradually reveal the events. Did Kelly come to the rescue of a bleeding Seb, or was she part of the violence? And if Corey remembers the aftermath of the attack and his part in it, how well will his lies hold up and how effective will his character witness be?

Yes, it’s Tommy Flamin’ Orpington. Find someone another job, please. He’s been riding the coat of Weatherfield’s answer to Ronaldo for centuries.

OSTENDERS: HONEYTRACK (PED)

Honey tries to make Suki (both pictured) feel better and crack her tough look after her son is murdered in EastEnders jail

Honey tries to make Suki (both pictured) feel better and crack her tough look after her son is murdered in EastEnders jail

Kiss me, baby, baby, kiss me. You can almost hear Shirley Bassey’s 1958 hit playing in your ears every time Honey and Suki are within breathing distance of each other. Do they just become friends, or is there more to it?

Fair play to Honey, she’s really trying to make Suki feel better since the wife… well, let’s face it, her son was sent to death in prison. She’s made her lasagna, invited her to art class, and has been the best friend a girl could ever have.

She promised to crack Suki’s tough looks, and it’s hard to see how anything less than a JCB could have done more to her skull.

Powerful mothers have always been a hallmark of Walford, and if Suki’s Boudica complex isn’t enough, you’ve got Sheree, who’s Boudica with bells on, and a heavy dose of Lady Macbeth tossed in the cauldron (yes, plus the three witches).

Why not just throw Suki and Sheree in a boxing ring and let the winner stay? With Shirley, Sharon and Kat circling the place, I can’t help but feel the men of Walford getting a little emasculated. Even serial killer Gray is beaten down by Chelsea, who, as he finds out furious, has huge debts on his credit card.

Meena (pictured) grabs a paperweight after hearing the front door open while at Victoria's home in Emmerdale

Meena (pictured) grabs a paperweight after hearing the front door open while at Victoria’s home in Emmerdale

In the meantime, what lies does he tell when Mick and Shirley ask him to reveal everything he knows about Tina – apart from the fact that she should have steered clear of the knife block, of course?

EMMERDALE: WORTH ITS WEIGHT?

Never trust a paperweight. A guarantee, in drama: if there is only one, there will be very little paper. The only reason a paperweight is introduced is if someone wants to use it as a semi-weapon of mass destruction.

When Meena breaks into Victoria’s and hears the front door open, what does she grab? Yes, the paperweight. Why it is so, no one can guess; when did Victoria ever have to hold a stack of A4?

Is Meena about to claim her next victim, or will she stay calm and leave the place unseen? Keep an eye out for the paperweight, a recurring gag!

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