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Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN’s Ultimate Insight into the Soaps of the Week

Will there ever be a ‘normal’ kid in Soapland? Maybe they don’t exist in real life either, but at least a much higher percentage of the kids in the world we know aren’t borderline lunatics or psychos.

Corrie’s Max and Hope are currently battling for first place in the Bad ‘Uns stakes, with Max nearly knocking out his rival (which really takes some effort).

There was almost anarchy at Weatherfield Comp (well, as many as a dozen students can muster) when the (mostly) female students showed up with placards to protest boys taking pictures under girls’ skirts.

As far as I could tell, Adi was the only boy there – ironic given that he’s been showing more than a passing interest in Summer’s skirt for a few months now.

In EastEnders, Gray’s runaway kids (what other reason could there be for their absence?) are now a lost cause, while Aaron turned out to be Bonnie and Clyde in one (but with a much better haircut).

Where does it all go wrong? Is There a Soapland Gene Everyone Should Inherit at Birth? Or is there a simpler explanation? Personally, I blame the parents.

OSTENDERS: THREE IS A CROWD

Kheerat, pictured centrally with Chelsea, left and Gray, right, in this week's EastEnders episode

Kheerat, pictured centrally with Chelsea, left and Gray, right, in this week’s EastEnders episode

Chelsea, right, is spending most of her time this week solving the many problems that arise in the hospital room with her baby in EastEnders.

Chelsea, right, is spending most of her time this week solving the many problems that arise in the hospital room with her baby in EastEnders.

Chelsea, right, is spending most of her time this week solving the many problems that arise in the hospital room with her baby in EastEnders.

Even I can see the rubber baby in the hospital is unwell, and I’ve never had children.

The mystery is how Gray and Chelsea even notice, let alone that the baby comes straight off the Fisher Price rejection pile.

Most of their time is spent solving the many problems that arise in the hospital room (no wonder the baby did a runner and put in a replacement), not least Gray’s sidelong glances that make him look even more dodgy then when he tattooed ‘Guilty, I was the wot dunnit’ on his forehead.

Now Kheerat (pictured center, with Chelsea and Gray) joins the crowd, desperate to get into Gray’s good books as he works to bring him down.

Chelsea isn’t happy to see him, especially when a nurse recognizes him from Chantelle’s days. Back home, why is Gray in big SGM (Sidelong Glance Mode) again? For each of his SGM moments, Bobby has a SITMD moment.

Staring Into The Middle Distance has become a big thing for Bobby, constantly caught like a rabbit in the headlights (or more like a rabbit stew; it’s so immobile).

Baffled by the obvious racism around him, he wants more of it when he decides to propose to Dana.

CORONATION STREET: CHOKING ALERT

Every heated exchange between Daisy and Daniel (pictured) ends in a kiss

Every heated exchange between Daisy and Daniel (pictured) ends in a kiss

Every heated exchange between Daisy and Daniel (pictured) ends in a kiss

We can safely say that Daniel will never be in a position to sing ‘Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do’.

As far as he’s concerned, there’s no stopping Jenny’s wayward stepdaughter who, after another heated argument with her ex, goes all out with yet another tonsil dig.

Please have Daniel (pictured, with Daisy) come up for air, woman, or at least get a Covid test before you knock the poor man’s head off!

A pattern emerges here: Any heated exchange between the couple ends in a kiss, which isn’t a healthy basis for a relationship.

In fairness, Daisy jumps into the shop to check on him after an altercation with Max who saw the latter fall down after destroying Daniel’s flat.

Daniel’s story is that it was an accident after he pushed Max out of his apartment, David will no doubt consider it attempted murder.

Tyrone suggests to Fiz that Hope may have bigger behavioral issues than they first thought and maybe it’s time for a proper diagnosis.

Arsonist, child kidnapper, blackmailer… Fiz is pleased that the current therapist thinks Hope’s antics are merely those of a “naughty girl,” but Evelyn isn’t convinced.

We two together. It’s not a proper diagnosis she needs – it’s incarceration.

Audrey’s bag of rattling bottles worries the Platt family, and now Rita joins the critique.

Three words for all of you: pot, kettle, black.

EMMERDALE: WOOL SWEATERS

Chas, Marlon and Paddy worry as they prepare to return to the village to meet the new owners of the Woolpack in Emmerdale

Chas, Marlon and Paddy worry as they prepare to return to the village to meet the new owners of the Woolpack in Emmerdale

Chas, Marlon and Paddy worry as they prepare to return to the village to meet the new owners of the Woolpack in Emmerdale

Who will be the new owners of the Woolpack?

As the pub goes up for auction, Chas, Marlon and Paddy (pictured) anxiously await the outcome, no doubt fearing they’ll soon be standing in line for the unemployed.

Cain is in the running, but Moira is relieved when he is outbid. Kim is also interested after Will suggests finding something to get her back on her feet.

Trust me, it won’t be you, mate: chloroform would do better.

Everyone is surprised when the identities of the new owners are revealed and the Woolpack Three have an even bigger shock in store…

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