With clothing size 18-20, and with a lifetime of experience between the sheets, I can smugly say: fit men prefer fat women. Don’t you believe me?
Well, at 50, I still have a much richer sex life than many of my slimmer friends. When we get together for a few glasses of wine, I often offer a listening ear to those who complain about their lack of action in the bedroom, and that’s often because their sexual confidence has taken a nosedive as they get older.
I’ve never had this problem. Although we bigger ladies are constantly told not to love our bodies, I can tell you that men certainly do – and my sexual self-esteem has always been extremely high because of it.
Now that I’ve reached my half-century, I’m still swinging happily from the chandeliers with a (new) man who, to our mutual delight, weighs a little less than my fifteen and a half stone.
What do men find so irresistible? The obvious physical features of course, but also my lack of hang-ups about it.
The men I’ve been with have never bothered about my big breasts, wobbly thighs, wobbly butt, or round stomach. And so I never have that either.
Despite what diet culture wants women to believe, it’s these wobbly bits that they find so attractive. I once had an extremely fit lover who had only ever dated slim gym bunnies.
On our first night together, he stopped mid-sex to marvel at my body, as if he were seeing a decadent dessert after a lifetime of salads. He told me I was the best lover he had had in years. We couldn’t get enough of each other.
Despite what diet culture would have women believe, it’s the wobbly bits that men find so attractive (file image)
My partners spanned all ages and body types, although most were considerably lighter on the scale than me.
Many were conventionally tall and handsome; a few were on the chubby or short side. Despite their differences, they all had one thing in common: they loved every undulating part of me.
There was the entrepreneur, the architect, the lawyer, the tech nerd, the French sommelier, the rugby player, the yoga instructor, the bricklayer, a few holiday friends and many more.
I think it’s fair to say that I was always less judgmental when choosing a partner than some of my slimmer friends, who required all sorts of boxes to be ticked, from height and hair color to bank balance and car. No surprise they had way less sex than I did.
I’ve had both one-night stands and long-term relationships, but I don’t consider myself promiscuous; I consider myself liberated and powerful.
I wasn’t always so confident in my skin. I was a size 16 by the time I turned 16 and felt too self-conscious to even think about having a boyfriend.
Growing up on a diet of rom-coms, I saw that the girls on screen who landed the gorgeous boys were skinny and flat-chested. Locked in my bedroom, I stared at my pop star posters for hours, wondering if someone like them would ever want someone like me.
In my twenties, my daydream came true when I fell in love with a beautiful, talented man I met in college. It took some time to overcome my issues with self-doubt and body image, but his love for every inch of me eventually helped me accept my body. I owe a lot to him.
Anyone who has been lucky enough to have had a formative sexual experience that left them feeling like the most beautiful person in the world, regardless of the number on their scale, will know that this sets you up for life!
Ultimately, we were too young to settle down, but we were together for three years and the relationship gave me a deep and lasting sense of sexual confidence.
It is this sexual confidence that men cannot resist. Bigger women are better in bed and men love us for that, it’s our sexual superpower. They may not shout about it publicly, but the taboo-breaking fact is that, in my experience, most men long for a bigger woman in the bedroom.
Only one man on my list of conquests has ever dreamed of uttering an outrageous slur (more from him later). The rest found my combination of curves and confidence quite intoxicating.
In my opinion they are the best kind of men; the men who defy the cultural pressures they grow up with just as much as women do.
Of course, there are men who would never dream of dating a taller lady, that’s fine; we all have preferences. However, there is something irresistible about a man who can see beyond the conventional standard of beauty.
For me, it’s a delightful irony that even though I’m told by society that my generous proportions are seen as unattractive, I know the opposite is true: they actually add to the excitement between the sheets. I have very large H-cup breasts, a spacious, soft ass and wide hips.
I may have dimpled thighs and a soft stomach, but I have always had a beautiful face, an inward waist, long hair, beautiful skin, and naturally soft lips.
Society’s fixation on weight blinds us to the truth that passion and compatibility are always a number on the scale
As a young, and finally confident, woman in my twenties, I had an insatiable lust for life and indulgence. If I wanted something, I went after it with enthusiasm.
It turned out to be a formidable combination, making me a people magnet. My lack of self-control, I think, led to even more spontaneous and exciting sex.
For me, exploring the sensual pleasures of a man’s body was akin to enjoying a gourmet meal.
There is a school of thought that very good-looking, slim women are often self-obsessed and not as indulgent in bed because they believe that only they are the prize and that should be enough.
It’s certainly something my own lovers have commented on after experiencing my wild and enthusiastic approach to sex. I was once told that cuddling me felt like snuggling up against a cloud of marshmallows. I understand that. Isn’t it more fun to roll around with a bag of pillows than a bag of bones?
When we get down to the nitty-gritty, there are certain sex positions that are less abrasive on a curvier woman. There’s also a lot more of me to wiggle and bounce during the throes of passion, which, I discovered, turned men on even more.
For laughs, I once read through the Kama Sutra with a partner, and an uproar ensued as we tried (and often failed) to come to grips with its myriad ridiculous positions. But ultimately, it’s a couple’s sexual chemistry and connection that really matter, not how long you can keep up a tricky sex move.
I also believe there is a biological correlation between better sex and tall women. Remember: the brain’s two main “feel-good” chemicals—the neurotransmitter dopamine and the “happy” chemical serotonin—are both released during pleasurable activities, whether that’s enjoying a decadent meal or engaging in intimate encounters.
If the same neurochemical pathways are responsible for eating and sexual pleasure, it’s no wonder that those of us with a strong appetite for one often also have a strong appetite for the other.
Interestingly, I’ve realized that regular orgasms have a weight loss effect and limit my food cravings, so the more sex I have, the easier it is to control my weight. Ironic, that.
When it comes to my physical type, I don’t really have one. Not being judged or excluded by men for my lack of thigh gap and toned abs has helped me thrive and feel alive, so I would be a bit of a hypocrite if I rejected a man because he had a pair of love handles own.
I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity dater; I would reasonably be attracted to a certain energy or charm, rather than certain physical qualities.
When I was twenty, I had a lover with a public profile. It was on the larger side, but that never bothered me. Unfortunately, despite his charm, I had trouble connecting with him sexually. I still thoroughly enjoyed his company and hoped that our sexual compatibility would improve over time.
But ironically, he’s the only guy who’s ever commented on my size. It happened one morning when I was making coffee in his kitchen. I was wearing tight pants, so as he stared at my ample derriere, he said the line, “You’re really quite big, aren’t you?”
Certainly rich coming from someone who, honestly, could have lost a few pounds.
My size clearly worried him. Maybe that explained the frustrating sex?
Looking back, I’m not sure what was going on in his head: I eventually discovered that his long-term ex was incredibly slim and, unfortunately, anorexic. I never spoke to him again.
Luckily, I was in a long-term relationship with the owner of a sun-kissed six-pack. We had a great sex life after I taught him a few things.
So do I think bigger is always better when it comes to female sexuality? Not quite.
While I firmly believe that women under size 16 will generally not be as good in bed as those of us who want to devour all of life’s pleasures, I also believe that there is a tipping point when it comes to fuller figures. For me, there comes a point where a woman’s figure is more cumbersome than curvaceous.
As the size goes up to 22, 24 or 26, you inevitably start to lose things like waist definition. In such cases, I recommend reducing carbohydrates so as not to lose the curves.
Still, my point still stands: in a society obsessed with unrealistic body standards, it’s liberating to know that true desire transcends them. Beauty ideals are woefully outdated, clinging to narrow concepts that exclude the vibrant diversity of all our shapes and sizes.
Society’s fixation on weight blinds us to the truth that passion and compatibility are always better than a number on the scale.
It’s time to celebrate love and lust in all its forms, realizing that true sexiness is found in authenticity, not conformity.
Have names and details changed. Fenwyn Hart is a pseudonym.