A leading relationship expert reveals the subtle signs you’re dating a ‘silent abuser’ and why they’re the most dangerous type of partner.
Luanne tells Ward that the work of these master manipulators, known as covert narcissists, can be so insidious that it takes years for their victims to realize that the damage is being done.
Often by the time they realize what is happening to their toxic partner has already caused serious damage to their physical, social and mental health.
They are often able to disguise their actual personality until you are completely cornered. They’re doing everything they can to break through your defenses and earn your trust,” Louanne told FEMAIL.
She added that most covert narcissists also struggle with other mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Lone Ward exposed the dangerous difference between overt and cover narcissists and warned that “silent abusers” can be the most dangerous partners.
“Because these things are so well hidden, recognizing subtle narcissism can be quite challenging,” she said.
But it’s not inconceivable that there are some “clear warning signs” that can help you determine if your partner or potential partner is a hidden narcissist.
Luan says covert narcissists, who can be both men and women, often shower their partners with unexpected gifts.
For the majority of people, this is a giant green flag; However, to a covert narcissist, it’s a Trojan horse. And, be warned, when a hurricane of gifts and grand gestures of love sweeps you over, they gradually flatter their influence over you.
Male and female covert narcissists can look a little different
These silent abusers often use negative comments and backhanded compliments.
They are experts at subtle insults because they are consummate liars and live in constant fear of exposure. In fact, those in relationships with covert narcissists spend days trying to parse their partner’s double meanings and insults in disguise.
“Playing the innocent” is also a huge red flag.
Luan said they would “forget” or deliberately sabotage important events by being late before acting as if they were suffering from amnesia or hearing about it for the first time.
These silent aggressors also lie a lot, bait their victims for control and love to use toxic tools like stalling, the silent treatment, and ghosting.
They also like to use gas to derail their victims.
“This is done by discrediting you and turning people against you, denying facts, accusing you of imagining things, and belittling your feelings,” Luan explained.
They also “avoid true intimacy.”
“For all the compliments, sexual innuendo, and constant romantic gestures, they disappear when things get personal,” she warned.
The problem is that they try so hard to make you think they find you attractive, while hiding enough of themselves that you can never really get to know them. This weakens your self-confidence over time.
They will also refuse to listen to their victims, so if you find yourself needing to repeat yourself or demand your partner’s attention a lot, that’s a huge red flag. “
When they listen, information is usually collected that they will later use against you. For example, they can use something you said months ago to disprove you or make you question your own judgment.
She recently spoke about “normal” narcissists but insists their covert counterparts are in a league of their own.
“Because covert narcissists tend to hide their symptoms, we will never fully understand their prevalence,” she said.
Louanne revealed that she would rather be in a relationship with an outspoken narcissist than a secret one
She noted that some of the red flags are similar between overt and covert narcissists, but said other personality traits can help victims uncover the truth.
Covert narcissists often use false empathy to get their victims to trust them, only to use it against them later.
They also use envy and jealousy as a tool and believe that others see them as better.
Covert narcissists also portray themselves as ‘shy but friendly’.
They are often socially isolated and sometimes avoid social situations for fear of being the center of attention. I
“They seem outwardly happy but have a dark side that can show up in outbursts of anger if challenged.”
They also ‘overcompensate’ with gifts, holidays, and other love bombings to win you over.
They hunt for compliments and have an underlying fear of inadequacy.
Finally, cash is kryptonite.
They are not able to handle criticism, despite how well it hides it. Despite their mask, they harbor feelings of anger and humiliation deep down, which often leads to an explosion later on.
Louanne revealed that she would rather be in a relationship with an outspoken narcissist than a secret one.
“They can turn your friends and family against you by making them believe that you are the one with the problem,” she said.
