Sex is not everything in a relationship.
Research shows that about a quarter of our pleasure comes in the relationship from the physical side.
But that’s when sex is good.
It is wise to ask the question: “Should I leave if the sex is not right?” Because it can also be an indication that this person is also not wise for your relationship.
But don’t go left yet: there are many sexual situations that can be solved.
Do you have to stay or leave? Here is my opinion about this.
Tracey Cox reveals the solutions that can fix your relationship if sex with your partner is disappointing – as well as the signs that it’s not worth your time (file image)
THERE IS NO CHEMISTRY
Is it a bad sign if you don’t take off each other’s clothing at the start of a relationship?
In one word – yes!
If you’ve only had sex once or twice and a deep almond kiss doesn’t end with you both taking off your clothes in the lounge, this is not a good sign.
Burning loins, frantic underwear removal, snooping in inappropriate places – if you don’t do it in the beginning, you’re sure it won’t be in six months (let alone 20 years later, when each pair is more interested in Netflix works) then a road through the Kama Sutra).
Love without (early) lust is usually friendship.
Can chemistry develop over time?
If you are emotionally healthy and have no problems, my honest answer is usually not.
But there are exceptions.
If one of you has had bad sexual experiences that make you afraid of sex, you may be too afraid to succumb to passion.
Or maybe one of you has been injured too often and fear that if you give yourself completely – your heart, mind and body – you will never survive when it happens again.
In those situations it is worth getting some therapy and looking afterwards how you feel.
Otherwise, consider whether this person should be a friend rather than a lover.
Chemistry does not guarantee lifelong great sex or love, but it is a damn good start – and it will probably make you linger before the finish.
Even good relationships have boring bits and chemistry is what keeps us there, picking our nails and waiting to see if things improve, instead of running out the door, the second problems begin.
THEY ARE EXPERIENCED AND / OR THEIR TECHNOLOGY IS BAD
Technology can be taught.
If you are willing to patiently train a new lover in what you like, where and when, it is fairly easy to repair.
However, remember: sexual inexperience is not about the number of loved ones that the person has.
Many people who have had many short-term relationships or one-night stands often find that they have no idea how to keep sex exciting in a long-term relationship.
Tracey Cox (photo) says that an inexperienced lover can be taught to improve his technique if he gets patient
The trick to solve this problem is to take the lead and guide them – but don’t be too clear about it.
Take it easy: don’t rush through the foreplay and stick to the basics to get started, until they feel better.
Give directions in all respects about how you enjoyed doing things, but do not make an ongoing comment.
If you can show instead of tell, then do it. One of the best things to do is to masturbate for them so that they will be in the front row of what technology works for you.
Another good trick to increase their confidence: do something that you’ve never tried before, so you both try something new together.
Resist the urge to show off your (many) human skills early on. Yes, they can learn from you, but they do it too quickly and they simply feel insufficient.
Also, don’t resist starting with a detailed criticism after sex. Even if it’s positive, a simple “That was great” is enough. You don’t want them to think you score them at every step.
It is strikingly simple to teach new skills to an inexperienced enthusiast – with one condition.
They must be open to instruction.
If they aren’t, it’s a whole new ball game. But if they are, the prognosis for this is clear …
THEY ARE UNCOMPOSABLE
This often goes hand in hand with inexperience.
In that case, it’s just a matter of you taking them by the hand and introducing them to all the delicious and varied things on offer.
If the mission position is their standard, it may be because this is the only way they have done it, so the only position in which they feel secure.
Sexual uncertainty is more common than you think: even people who come across as self-assured lovers can secretly be ‘spectators’.
This is when you are so busy analyzing and assessing your performance during sex – where you often imagine what you look like – you cannot relax or enjoy it.
Is it any wonder that they are afraid to step out of their comfort zone?
This sorting is usually a matter of building their confidence by loading on the sexual compliments.
Another, not so attractive, reason that they are not adventurous is that they cannot make an effort to make an effort.
In that case, go directly to the selfish enthusiasts section.
THEIR ATTITUDE TO SEX IS VERY DIFFERENT FOR YOU
This often happens when you both come from different cultural or religious backgrounds, where sex is seen by one as a fun, recreational activity and by the other as reproduction.
This can (of course) cause major problems, but if your communication skills are good, you both respect each other’s beliefs and are willing to compromise, it is certainly not unsolvable.
Not easy, but not a guaranteed dealbreaker.
Discovering your partner has a history of sexual abuse is another reason why your attitude to sex can be different.
Again, if your partner is open to receiving therapy or talking to you and you both take things slowly, there is no reason why you cannot continue with a satisfying, happy sex life.
Patience and communication are central here.
Verdict: Stay – if both of you are willing to work on it
Tracey advises to consider how committed you are to each other when deciding whether to stay in touch with someone who has a completely different sex drive (file image)
YOU HAVE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT SEX DISCS
I said this once and I keep saying: if you choose a partner, if you can possibly swing it, try very hard to choose one with the same sexual appetite as you.
Because mismatched libidos – one wants more or less sex than the other – can be a big problem for couples.
A trillion factors determine whether we are a person with a high or low libido: pressure and stress, medication, genetics, history, the love of our partner, general health, sexual trauma – they all play a role.
Some people just don’t have that many sexual thoughts or fantasies.
They could seriously talk to the sexiest person in the world and get away with the thought: “What a very nice person! Who would have thought they had problems with their golf swing!” While the rest of us mentally undressed them, hit the nearest wall and had 20 orgasms before “Hello” even escaped our lips.
It doesn’t matter which camp you fall into: make sure it is the same.
If your sexual drive is dramatically uneven, you are in for a rocky ride with friction and resentment around every corner.
The problem is that our true “resting” libido is artificially inflated at the start of a relationship – it is only about nine months to a year in which it becomes clear that there is a problem.
There are things you can do to make things right – agreeing a certain time that you have sex and how long is a way to fix it. (Search for ‘mismatched libido’ on my website and you will find many other proven techniques.)
If you are already in love and are both willing to compromise, stay.
But if you are on the fence and this is already causing problems, look for someone who is sexually on the same page.
Verdict: Depends on how committed you are
THEY ARE SELF FISH IN BED
They only take care of themselves. Never check whether you enjoyed sex or had an orgasm. Sex is on their terms and conditions only. There is zero after playing and a pathetic amount of foreplay. They never respond to oral sex. You are the one who gives and all they do is take.
This is selfish sex – and it is not acceptable.
If you have told your partner that they do not satisfy you sexually and they are not worried and have done nothing to rectify the situation, they do not care about you.
There is no other reason.
It is clear when someone makes an effort. They ask questions, they look to see if you get excited, they check you both during and after sex to check if everything works for you.
If your partner does not do this, there is only one way out.
Verdict: Leave immediately
What happened to an affair?
You didn’t really expect me to approve that option, did you?
Business is never the answer. However, an open relationship can be: it is the most honest option.
It comes down to: communicate your needs.
If you have done that and your partner is still ignoring them, you can do better without them.
Great sex starts at 50: How you age your libido (£ 12.99, Murdoch Books) against aging is available at all online retailers and at all good bookstores. It is also available in ebook.