Dear Jana,
I got out of a long-term relationship at the beginning of the year and have been making up for lost time ever since. I’ve slept with more men in the last few months than I did in my single years before I met my ex. Honestly, it’s been so liberating to flirt, have fun, and get a little bit of myself back.
But I’m the only one in my group of friends who is single (I’m 43F). While everyone is busy talking about school careers and home renovations, I’m living my best life. And when I tell them about this, they ask me, ‘Oh, are you still doing that?’ look. It’s starting to make me wonder if I’ve gone too far.
Do I have to get it under control before I become the talk of the group chat? Or is this just part of moving on and finding myself again?
Sincerely, Single and spiraling.
Dear single and spiral,
I have three words for you… Receive. Him. Girl.
Forget about being the only single person in your friend group and free yourself from the chains of judgment (which, let’s be honest, is usually just jealousy in disguise). Have fun! It sounds like you’re feeling desired again, rediscovering your confidence and enjoying a newly revived libido. That can only be a good thing, right?
In this week’s edition of Saucy Secrets, Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking advises a 43-year-old woman who fears her prolific sex life is putting off her friends, most of whom are married with children.
As long as you’re safe (condoms are friends, not enemies!) and you choose nice men, who cares who you get naked with? You are living your best life and that is what matters.
Now, about your friends and their fascinating talks about school careers and home renovations… snore! Honestly, who cares that Sally extended her deck or that Lucy was late picking up the kids? What I would rather know is who was fucked recently and how they did it. Those are the conversations worth having!
If your friends look askance at you for your daring adventures, maybe it’s time to ask yourself: Are these the people I want to trust right now? Life is too short for critical vibrations.
That being said, it doesn’t mean you should get rid of them completely. Save them for the healthy stuff, but maybe expand your friendship circle. Find some fabulous Sex-and-the-City guys who will cheer you up, share their crazy stories, and help you celebrate this exciting new chapter. I promise you, there are plenty of us out there!
So no, you don’t need to check it. You are not “spiraling”; you are thriving. Make it yours, enjoy it and never let anyone dull your shine.
Dear Jana,
My sister-in-law and I have been texting for years and we finally got it together. It was incredible, but now he really wants to keep it up. The thing is, his marriage is practically dead, but mine is not bad. I’m starting to think this is getting too heavy. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, not a whole new disaster. How do I tell him to hit the brakes without it blowing up in my face?
Anonymous.
Jana also answers questions from a man who slept with his sister-in-law and a wife who wants to capture that “Christmas sexual magic” in a bottle after a passionate trip to Italy with her husband.
Dear anonymous,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually, no I don’t, you sound like an idiot), but this is what happens when you dip your toes in someone else’s pond outside of your damn marriage. People get “the feels.”
He’s giving it to Jerry Springer. He’s hitting Ricki Lake. It is causing scandal with a touch of buffoonery. And I hope karma hits you very soon.
That being said, I get it, taboo is tempting and your sister-in-law was clearly serving it up on a platter. But now you’re here, wondering how to hit the brakes without detonating your own life. Spoiler alert: you won’t get away unscathed, friend.
So what is the remedy? You need to grow your spine and end it, yesterday. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that while it was fun (if reckless), it’s over. Be firm, be clear and prepare for the consequences. Because, believe me, she may not take it lightly. Women can get a little touchy when a guy rejects us after we’ve shown them our lady parts. But that’s not your problem anymore: it’s time for damage control.
And for the love of God, man, take this as a wake-up call. Your marriage may be “not bad,” but there is clearly room for improvement if you seek excitement in the family circle. Was there really no one else you could have chosen? Maybe channel that energy into spicing things up at home instead of playing with fire at the in-laws’ house.
Remember, you can’t undo what was done, but you can stop making it worse. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Dear Jana,
After two weeks in Italy, I feel like my husband and I reconnected like we haven’t in years. There was something about being away from work and the kids that made everything seem like it did when we met.
We had time for proper conversations, we laughed more, and, well, the intimacy was better than it had been in a long time.
But now we return to real life and work, the house, the children and the endless daily responsibilities. I don’t want to fall back into that autopilot mode where we’re too tired or distracted to even kiss properly, let alone maintain the same spark we had on vacation. How can we bring some of that Christmas energy into our lives at home? Is it even possible to keep that magic alive once reality sets in again?
Kat.
Dear Kath,
First of all, congratulations on getting that spark back. The other day I was listening to a podcast and this couple said that the key to their marriage was taking a vacation once a year without their kids. In fact, they have made it non-negotiable. It gave them time to reconnect and gave them something exciting to look forward to. I love that idea. Who said every vacation has to be at a horrible family park? Fuck.
The good news is that Christmas magic is not a mythical beast that only exists in Italian sunsets. It’s a mentality. And I think you can bring it home if you’re willing to try.
Step one: Schedule those date nights like your life depends on it. And I mean the right ones. Not the ‘Netflix and look at your phones’ kind of thing. I’m talking about dinner, cocktails, or even a night at a fancy hotel.
And another pretty taboo suggestion… a study (yes, a real one, not just me ranting) found that couples who take MDMA together report deeper connections and more open communication. I know a couple who do it and they rave about how ‘under the influence’ they can share their problems with each other ‘in a cloud of zen’ and it results in them really listening to each other, rather than just taking all the shit out of each other. the feedback is negative and they yell at each other. Now, I’m not saying you should go ‘rave mom’ on us (and yes, it’s illegal here in Australia), but the bottom line here is: you need intentional time to reconnect. No kids, no housework, no excuses.
Speaking of creative ways to keep the spark alive, Coleen Rooney once shared a story about her and Wayne sneaking off to the annex of their Cheshire mansion for secret date nights. They even hired a babysitter, pretended to go out, and then stayed in the annex to watch TV and eat takeout. Unfortunately, their son found them using the Life360 app. Okay, sure, it’s a little extravagant, but the idea holds. Why not take a daring ride with your husband and enjoy the action in the back seat on a quiet street? Hot. It doesn’t have to be a big, expensive appointment.
Step two: Remember what made you excited about each other in the first place. Was it his sense of humor? Your playful banter? Those flirty messages? Bring it back! Send a spicy message throughout the day or leave a naughty note in their lunch bag. Believe me, it’s the little things that keep the magic alive.
Finally: Take a page from your Italian playbook: slow down. Share a glass of wine after the kids have gone to bed. Light some candles (yes, even the fancy ones you save for guests). And for the love of God, stop treating intimacy like a chore. You’re not folding laundry; You are rekindling a spark.
So yes, magic is possible. It just takes effort, creativity, and the willingness to leave autopilot at the door. Now go hire that babysitter! I’m sure they’re cheaper than a therapist.