Dear Jana,
I saw my sister’s boyfriend on a gay dating app. I don’t want to expose it, but I think she deserves to know. Shall I tell you?
Nicholas
Dear, dear, Nicholas. Throw your phone in a river and walk away very quickly. This is not your “excursion” to take. Maybe you’re a little curious, or maybe you’ve jumped right into the gay dating app scene. Who knows. Not you, so I’d stay out of it.
What I would do instead is talk quietly to him. Show him your evidence and offer him a safe space to open up. Maybe you’re feeling social pressure to stay firmly in the closet, and if so, that’s very sad. Or if he’s trashing your sister, you can at least scare him a little and hopefully push him to have her own conversation with her.
All I know is that it’s never our job to “take” someone out. They will do it themselves when they are ready.
Jana Hocking Shares Her Best Sassy Secrets and Signature Sassy Tips
Dear Jana,
Last night I drank too many margaritas and hooked up with my best friend’s ex-husband. I can’t even blame the alcohol, I’ve liked him for years and we’ve always flirted a little, but last night it turned into something more and I liked it.
Now I can’t stop thinking about him, but I know I shouldn’t. She already has a new boyfriend but she still feels bad.
I have two questions: do I have to tell my best friend? Would it be bad if I went out with him again?
Aid!
olivia
Ooooh Olivia you’re going to hell! That aside, let’s break this down a bit. You’ve hooked up with a guy you like (yay!), but there’s a good chance your best friend won’t be impressed (boo!).
The typical answer would be “partners before dates,” but knowing how difficult it is to find a good partner these days, I hesitate to tell you that. Especially since I have a friend who is now married to her best friend’s ex. So who knows, you could be passing up the opportunity to get a soulmate for the sake of a friendship.
First, I’d like to find out if the guy likes you or is just looking for a fun one night stand. If the answer is ONS, I’d keep my lips shut and pray no one sees them hooking up.
However, if there is a chance to explore this connection further, then I would take your best friend out for a wine (or 10) and confess it. Maybe skip the part where he’s liked her for years. She doesn’t need to know that. Yes, she’ll probably be angry, but give her time to process it and maybe she’ll surprise you.
Jana Hocking shares advice on what to do if your relationship is not going well
Dear Jana,
I’ve been dating a guy for three months who is very affectionate, great at texting, amazing in bed, and not bad to look at, but every once in a while he says something misogynistic that really irritates me.
He works in construction and they have a new employee. Last night he said to me, “I think they should pay him less because he’s not as strong as the rest of us.” I wanted to slap him.
He also makes casual sexist comments about my best friend, who is single, and occasionally shares details of his one-night stands. I hate the way she judges her.
Should I quit or is it possible to teach a man not to be sexist? Everything else in our relationship is perfect.
Missing in action
Oh Mia, as someone who aborted a date early when the guy started quoting Andrew Tate, I feel for you. Unfortunately, this casual misogyny is everywhere and when it sneaks into a conversation it can be very annoying and deeply disrespectful.
As much as my brain thinks you should say “loser too taa-loo,” I also understand that it’s never that easy. Especially when he also displays many charming traits.
Talking to a friend about his dilemma, he explained that with more women coming to power with their sexuality (his best friend) and in the workforce (his new colleague), many men now feel like their traditional masculinity is under attack.
There’s a reason Andrew Tate had 4.6 million followers before he got kicked off Instagram. It’s because MANY men feel threatened by powerful women and yes, it’s completely ridiculous but we can’t deny that it’s happening.
Instead of taking the bait when he says things that give you goosebumps, would you find out where he’s coming from? Challenge him about her thoughts. Ask him if he feels a little unsafe because a woman is in the workplace. Make him look at your words from a new perspective. She may not respond the way you want right away, but I guarantee she will go away and think about it.
If not, throw it out. Would you want to raise daughters with a man like that? No.