As an actress, every time I was called to work, I would kiss my two-year-old daughter goodbye and leave my husband in charge of her at our home in Arizona. Depending on the job, I would fly to Los Angeles, Las Vegas or Miami.
On a typical day of filming, I would head to the studio at 9 a.m., get into the hair and makeup trailer, and by lunchtime I would be filming scenes with my co-star before finishing for the day around 5 p.m.
Then, before my daughter went to sleep, I would always call her on FaceTime so she could say her prayers and I would send her goodnight kisses. All in all, a pretty normal day for a working actress mother. Maybe the only difference is that I worked as a porn star.
For me, being in porn for four years was like any other nine-to-five job: There were parts I loved, parts I hated, and I paid taxes on the money I made, like everyone else.
But I never forgot the advice a porn star, also a mother, gave me when I was starting out. “When people find out what you do, you’ll want to die,” he warned. “But I promise you that in a couple of years no one will care.”
And she was right. When my friends and family found out I was in the porn industry, it was terrible. They dragged me through the mud, told me to get a real job, and worst of all, called me a bad mother. My family even tried to take my daughter away from me.
But despite everything, I will never regret being a porn star. Although I left the industry five years ago, there are moments, to be honest, when I still miss it.
So how did I fall into this in the first place? It all started nine years ago, while she was working as a dancer in a strip club. I was 22 years old and was happily married to Max for two years. We are both very sexualized, in fact we are also swingers, so it seemed like a natural step to talk about doing couples porn together. Max contacted an agent, but they were only interested in signing me. Over the next few weeks, I discussed the opportunity with Max and we ultimately decided that we were both happy with my new job offer.
‘Emily’ says she loved doing porn because it ‘released another side of me’
When I flew to Miami for my first porn shoot, even though I messed up a couple of times because I was so nervous, I loved filming. I ended up staying in Miami for three weeks.
I immediately loved the glitz and glamour, like being pampered in the makeup chair, walking the red carpet at the AVN Awards, the annual awards show for the adult film industry, often called the Oscars of porn.
I also loved doing porn because it freed up another side of me. My daughter was just under two years old when I started in the industry, so while I was a mother, a wife, a friend; I was now a sex goddess: my porn star persona was my alter ego.
My husband works as a mechanic and has high self-esteem, so I didn’t have any feelings of jealousy that other couples might have. The only emotional connection I have during sex is when I have sex with him. I completely separate my feelings at work. When having sex with a male co-star, I felt no emotional connection. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.
I learned a lot about my own sexuality from making films.
Ultimately, though, when you shoot porn, it’s basically: action, cut, action, cut. As one of the older actresses told me, “If you’re feeling good, you’re doing it wrong.”
Were there feelings of shame and conflict when I entered the industry as a mother? Absolutely. I’m Hispanic and it’s a very sexist culture (women are expected to cook, clean, and take care of children), so it was difficult for me. I really questioned myself and thought: I’m a mom, should I do this?
What made it even more difficult was the barrage of negativity I received from my own family. I still find it difficult to talk about it.
‘Emily’ worked as a dancer in a strip club before entering the porn industry.
I hadn’t even shot my first sex scene when my secret became public.
The studio had asked me to create a Twitter account (now X), since all adult film stars have one. So, I opened an account under my porn star pseudonym and then posted a topless photo of myself with a co-star. I didn’t realize it at the time, but a notification was sent to all my contacts who also had a Twitter account. After that, all hell broke loose.
My mother-in-law immediately sent me a text message that, let’s say, was not very polite and which hurt me a lot.
Now I have four children (two boys and two girls) and my children are my life. My mother, father and sister-in-law said horrible things. Almost our entire family disapproved, except for two male cousins who were simply intrigued by it.
A cousin on the mother’s side of the family said: ‘If you were a man, the family wouldn’t give anything, but since you’re a woman it’s frowned upon. Especially since you are married and have a child.
My understanding husband stood his ground and told everyone via text: ‘This is our life. We don’t tell any of you what to do with yours, so don’t tell us what to do with ours. Our daughter is loved and cared for, and that’s all that matters.’
Unlike my husband, I was more sensitive to judgment and criticism. A lot of that is due to my troubled childhood. My father was an alcoholic and, as a child, he was never really in my life. However, when I was 15, I was sent to live with my estranged father because my mother’s new partner caused serious problems between her and me: suddenly everything became about him and his family. It was a real low point in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and dropped out of school (although I did return at age 18 to get my high school diploma).
So when my family said terrible things about me making adult films, all the feelings I’d had since I was 15 resurfaced, taking a toll on my mental health. Worse yet, my family tried to take my daughter away from me. They reported me to the police, but when we spoke to a social worker at the police station, she actually said, ‘You haven’t done anything wrong. What you are doing is not illegal. Congratulations to you.”
There’s an assumption that anyone who makes adult films must be emotionally damaged, but I disagree. I know I have problems with my parents, but my porn star career was my decision, with my husband’s blessing. And you know what? Some people just like to have a lot of sex.
A co-star once told me, ‘I love sex and if I can make money doing what I love while I’m still young and looking good, why not?’
It’s a valid point. If I were a doctor or a teacher, no one would bat an eyelid. Because I made adult films, people felt entitled to have an opinion about my life. Additionally, there are many misconceptions about women in the industry: that we are dirty, do drugs, and are promiscuous. It’s simply not true. We have to get tested (for HIV and STDs) every two weeks, which is more than most people do.
However, when I found out that I was pregnant with my second child, I decided to stop making adult films. I could have made a lot of money during my pregnancy (after all, there is a demand for all kinds of fetishes), but I didn’t want anyone touching my belly. It was my space, my secret.
Plus, I was starting to feel miserable at work. My agent told me to cut and dye my hair and change my appearance – the very essence of who I was. I didn’t want any of that. Also, when I told them I was pregnant, they told me: ‘If one day you plan to come back, don’t get stretch marks.’ I knew it was time to leave.
Now, at 30, I am a housewife. The oldest is ten years old and the youngest is two. Of course, I’m worried that they will discover my past. Despite this concern, I began to share my secret with close friends.
If I feel that I can trust them and that they will not judge me, I prefer that they hear the truth from me first; that way they can ask me questions instead of making assumptions or having false information.
For the most part, everyone is intrigued, not annoyed, and asks questions like: How do you feel? Can you choose your male talent? Although some of their husbands have told them: ‘You can’t hang out with her anymore, she will make you do it too.’
As if I would ever encourage my friends to get into porn!
But I bet that while some husbands criticized me publicly, they privately Googled me. I tend to keep a low profile though. They once recognized me when I was in a shopping center and asked me if I was Emily*, my porn star pseudonym. I told them she was my twin sister, even though I don’t have one.
Naturally, I’m worried about parents and teachers at my children’s school finding out, especially since we moved to a Bible Belt state in the southern part of the United States where conservatism and religious beliefs are dominant. It’s inevitable that people will judge you in life no matter what, but I think the judgment would be even worse here. I don’t care if people judge me, but I would hate for my past actions to affect my children in any way.
My children are being raised to be very open and tolerant of others, but I still worry all the time about how and when I will tell them about my past as a porn star.
With my oldest daughter I will wait until she is 14 or 15 years old. She is very mature for her age and a curious girl. I plan to be completely open with her and answer any questions she has.
That being said, I would absolutely ban you from watching my movies!
At the end of the day, being a porn star has nothing to do with the simple fact that I am a mother and that I love all my children very much.
A lot of people thought that because I was in porn I would end up a drug addict or divorced and that my children would suffer, but actually my children are thriving. That’s why a few years ago I decided to participate in photographer Mary Beth Koeth’s photo series, Porn Moms (mbkoeth.com), which featured myself and other mothers who work in adult films. I was excited to hear from someone who wanted to share a side of the industry that no one sees and show that there are a lot of misconceptions about mothers in the industry.
I don’t regret starring in porn movies at all, but I know that people really want me to regret it. It’s a part of my past, and I openly admit that I miss it. But don’t worry: if you ever come to my house, you won’t see sex toys lying around, just children’s toys. Being a porn star doesn’t define me, it’s just a small part of who I am.
*Names and identifying information have been changed.
*As told to Lina Das