Dear Jana,
My best friend recently confided in me that she had the best sex of her life with her new boyfriend and now I’m strangely jealous. Not because I like her boyfriend, but because of how secure and comfortable she now feels with her sexuality.
I feel like my partner and I are just fumbling in comparison. How do I stop comparing myself and actually enjoy the sex I’m having?
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous,
Well, pull up a chair and let me tell you something about sex and trust: Everyone seems to know what they’re doing… until the lights come on. Believe me, even your best friend’s “amazing” escapades probably involve an awkward elbow in the face or the occasional “oops, wrong place!” moment. It’s just part of the magic!
Do you think porn is recorded in one take? No. There are a lot of ‘Okay, let’s do it again’ comments. And why do you think there are sex coordinators on Hollywood movie sets? Because it’s a full-time job to make sex look, well, sometimes sexy.
Plus, I think sex is like Instagram: you just show off your best moments. Ask him how he feels when his guy gets the “man flu” or after too many beers. No man can act like a stud all the time.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers her signature sassy advice to readers who need help with their love life – or lack thereof.
So I’m going to be direct: your head is in the wrong place (or should I say in the wrong bedroom). Instead of worrying about what’s going on in your friend’s vanity, focus on making yours the sexiest, happiest place possible. Are you spraying yourself with perfume? Are you lighting candles? Did you both remember to brush your teeth? Even the smallest things can help create the “mood” needed for a raunchy good time.
Plus, sex starts outside the bedroom. Why not share your fantasies or ask about theirs? You can always laugh at any discomfort, but the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.
And here’s my daring challenge: Pick something that seems a little wild (for you) and try it. Maybe it’s a new position, some risqué lingerie, or a little “adult” shopping spree. Whatever it is, make it about your pleasure, not someone else’s highlight.
Improve your game and get your rhythm back.
Dear Jana,
I hate my best friend’s partner. He’s lazy, unmotivated, and just a total burden on her. She is funny, beautiful, smart, and works hard, while he does absolutely nothing. He’s been ‘looking for work’ for a year, but we all know he’s not even trying.
She’s the one who pays the rent, the bills, and everything else, while he sits around making excuses. I’ve tried to hint, joke, and even be upfront about how she deserves better, but she ignores me with excuses like, “She’s going through a rough patch,” or “She’ll change.”
Change? He hasn’t lifted a finger since the day I met him.

Jana gives direct advice to a woman caught in a situation with a man who refuses to commit to her, but she gets “weird” every time she goes out with other men.
The final straw was when he told me he was considering using his savings to buy her a car so he could “look for a job.” A car! For someone who can’t even commit to helping her around the house. How can I get her to wake up and see what everyone else sees, that she is carrying this man and that will only drag her down?
She is amazing and could do so much better than this. I’m at my wit’s end.
Kate.
Dear Kate,
If only we could choose who our best friends would end up with. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) we don’t all have the same tastes. But believe me, I feel your frustration. Your friend is clearly a catch and seems like she’s dating, well, a loser.
So let’s address this “bad streak” excuse. A bad streak is a bad week at work, not a one-year nap of adulthood. And don’t even get me started on the car. A car to look for work? Oh please. Unless he’s looking for a job in the middle of the desert, this guy doesn’t need a vehicle. Instead, you need a reality check.
Your friend does not leave the level blameless. She is an enabler of his lazy and foolish behavior.
I get it, love makes us blind, deaf, and (apparently) willing to fund a male child’s extended gap year. Been there, done that. But here’s the simple truth: she won’t wake up until she’s ready. If I had a dollar for the number of times my friends told me to leave a particular loser, I could have bought a house in Sydney by now.
But you’ve done your part by being honest, and that’s all you can do without becoming the bad guy. Because that’s what will happen.
So here’s the plan: Instead of wasting your energy on him, pour it into her. Be their cheerleader, remind them of their brilliance, and subtly drop things like, ‘You deserve someone who matches your ambition!’ In time, she will rebuild it.
And I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t offer you at least one slightly toxic advice: If all else fails, maybe I’ll “accidentally” introduce you to a man who has his life together. Sometimes a girl just needs to see what’s out there to realize she’s been settling for leftovers. Throw some beautiful, successful men at her and watch how she develops.
I’m just saying…
Dear Jana,
This guy and I started out as a casual relationship about six months ago, and at first I was totally okay with it. No ties, no drama. But then the lines began to blur. He stayed over more often, texted me all day, and even started introducing me to his friends. You know, boyfriend stuff.
He even tells me that sex with other people is “no big deal” and that we are both free to do it. His exact words were: “We’re just having fun, there’s no need to make it complicated.” Except… every time I mention that I’m going on a date or that I’ve matched with a guy on a dating app, he gets really weird. Suddenly, he’s texting me non-stop like a jealous boyfriend, asking me questions like, ‘What do you do?’ or ‘Do you think they are more attractive than me?’
Last week, I casually mentioned a second date I had planned and he showed up at my apartment with takeout “just because.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone eat Thai food so passive-aggressively.
I’m stuck in this weird limbo where he doesn’t want to commit but he also doesn’t want me to find anyone else. And if I bring this up, I feel like it’s going to turn into a fight or he’s going to pull away completely, and I don’t know if I’m ready to lose him yet.
How do I address this double standard without ruining everything? Or am I just holding on to something that is already doomed to fail? Please help, I can’t keep eating emotionally charged pad thai.
sonia
Oh girl,
Let me get this straight… Do you want the benefits of girlfriend (sleepovers, daily texts, meeting her friends) but none of the responsibility? And now he’s using Thai food as a weapon to mark his territory? Not today, Satan!
This man is playing the oldest game in the “I’m not ready to commit” playbook: keeping you hooked enough to keep you from swimming away, but not enough to give you what you deserve. It’s called breadcrumbs, Sonia, and you’re worth much more than that!
So, buckle up because it’s time to put on your big girl panties and call their bluff, and I promise it doesn’t have to be a drama fest. Next time he starts the passive-aggressive pad thai routine, hit him with this:
‘Hey, I’ve noticed that you get weird when I talk about hanging out with other people, but you’ve made it clear that we’re just having fun. I’m confused. What exactly are we doing here?
Direct, honest and straight to the point. Plus, it shows that you have enough confidence and self-respect to ask him… and to the right guy, make it sexy!
Because the thing is, men will go further than they can before they commit. It’s a test. And you’re letting him win.
Asking him directly puts the ball in his court. If he gets scared, it’s his fault, not yours. If he suddenly realizes that he can’t live without you, great. But if he remains in this strange limbo of loving you but not wanting to commit, then you have your answer.
And here’s a cold, hard fact: if he doesn’t step up, someone else will. Don’t let this guy clip your wings while he’s sitting on the fence. You deserve someone who loves you, and only you, without playing these childish games.
Oh, and if you’re worried about losing him, remember this: letting the wrong person go makes room for the right one. Believe me, I found out the hard way. Oh, the years I waited for that particular man who blew hot and cold. If I could go back in time and make myself see reason, I would. So maybe you do what I tell you, not what I have done. No more wasting time that prevents us from finding ours.
You got this!
Do you have a daring dilemma you need answered? Send me an email: jana.hocking@mailonline.com