Dear Jana,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months and things are going very well. Recently, he asked me about my sexual history, specifically how many partners I’ve had.
I refused to answer because I’m worried about how I might react to the number, but now it keeps bothering me about it.
Is it important to reveal my ‘body count’ and if so, how can I approach this conversation without causing tension or judgment?
I’m a reformed ‘Peter Pan’ (as you often refer to yourself), so my number is a little higher than the average guy.
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous,
This is a scary moment because the other day I was talking about this very topic with a friend. We laughed as we tried to list the guys we’d slept with.
This week, Jana helps a reformed ‘Peter Pan’ whose girlfriend keeps asking about his body count, and a woman who feels like she’s being treated like a sex doll.
You see, I did the opposite of you: I spent most of my twenties in relationships. So, as you can imagine, my number was very low.
But when I got out of my last five-year relationship, well, let’s just say that feeling of freedom led me to all kinds of shenanigans.
Oh, it’s been a while! I basically became the female version of Peter Pan, and you know what? I don’t regret anything!
I learned a lot, discovered what I liked (and what I didn’t like), and if I may brag, I would say it made me the skilled lover I am today.
So, here’s the thing. I understand that the term “body count” may make you feel nervous and sweaty (it’s a very gross term, by the way), but it’s not something you should hide or be ashamed of.
The simple answer you can give him is this: “Enough to know what I’m doing, not enough to regret it.” No number required: short, sweet and confident.
If she pressures you to tell her a specific number, you can follow up with a cheeky: “A gentleman never counts” or “I’m not keeping score, this isn’t a cricket match.”
What if she still pressures you? Well, maybe that’s his demonstrated insecurity. In that case, do what many new couples are doing these days: suggest that you both get an STD test if your sexual history worries you that much.
Present the clean bill of health and tell him to calm down. Because maybe that’s what’s really bothering you, and peace of mind never hurt anyone.
If all else fails, just do what 99.9 percent of the population does: lie. Pick a tasteful number (eight doesn’t sound threatening at all) and get on with things.
Jana lets loose after a question from a woman whose boyfriend can’t stop ogling other women in front of her.
Dear Jana,
I am 58 years old and my long-term partner is in his early sixties. He wants sex all the time (at least daily, if not twice a day) and I fear it.
It’s not entirely satisfying, it doesn’t last more than five minutes, and I feel like he’s basically using me to masturbate.
Should I worry that my libido isn’t what it was before and give in and get resentful (which is what I do now)?
Or address the topic?
Fearful sex – AITA?
Dear fearful sex: AITA?
(I had to Google it; turns out AITA stands for Am I the Asshole? Haha.)
Well, that’s an easy one, absolutely not! In fact, it is.
I’m not going to lie, I’m a little furious for you. No one (and I mean no one) should be treated like a human sex toy.
From what you’ve described, not only does he treat you like a blow-up doll, but he doesn’t even make an effort to make it enjoyable for both of you. Five minutes? Come on, friend.
Now, my advice may seem a little discouraging, but it’s time to put on your big girl pants (metaphorically and physically) and stand up for yourself.
Sit that man down and say, ‘Listen, I’m not enjoying sex.’ I feel like I’m treated like your personal sex slave and a five-minute quickie isn’t enough for me.
But (and I must emphasize this) don’t just hit him with criticism. Men are delicate creatures with very fragile egos, so throw him some life preservers.
Offer solutions: Suggest that he bring foreplay back into the mix. I’m talking about proper warm-up moves: romantic dates, kind words, back rubs, kisses, cuddling… all that jazz.
Heck, if you do it right, you might be excited to find out how long it lasts when things heat up. Make sure you call him a stud and stroke that ego.
Also, can we take a moment for this “twice a day, most days” thing? That’s excessive. Tell him to do what last week’s reader was surprised her husband did: jerk off in the shower. There are other ways for him to release his sexual energy that don’t involve you.
I’m afraid you’ll have to be firm with him, and if he can’t stand it, then tell him to leave.
I repeat, YOU are not the asshole. He is.
Dear Jana,
My boyfriend treats me like a queen, but lately I’ve started to notice something that’s driving me crazy.
Every time we go out, like out to dinner, shopping, or basically anywhere in public, his eyes seem to wander. I don’t mean a quick glance, but creepy, lingering stares that make me feel invisible.
Last weekend, I caught him staring at a woman in a tight dress for so long that I almost asked him if he wanted to buy her a drink.
I know men are visual and I’m trying not to overreact, but I’m starting to feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship.
Is this normal behavior that I just need to get over? Or is there a way to talk to him about it without seeming insecure or like a jealous girlfriend?
Tish.
Oh, Tish.
I know exactly how infuriating this can be! For me it is the height of disrespect.
I remember once going on a date with a guy who was so taken aback by an attractive woman who walked into the bar that he spun around in his seat so fast he almost threw himself off.
I was really grossed out, and judging by the woman’s face, she wasn’t impressed either.
Here’s the thing: many of us enjoy a little visual pleasure; After all, we are human, but do you know what we do? We keep our reactions locked inside our brain. No verbal or physical theater, because that would make you too thirsty. And disrespectful.
So, here’s where things get tricky: how do you approach this without looking like a jealous girlfriend? Because (ugh) we women often feel bothered by pointing out things that really bother us.
In a classic case of “Jana’s therapist is everyone’s therapist,” I asked my lovely French therapist what she would do.
Your advice? Say something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed that your eyes tend to wander when we’re out and honestly, it makes me feel invisible.” I know you never wanted to hurt me, but I would love it if we could focus more on each other when we are together.
But let’s be honest: who talks to their partner like that? My approach would be a little more… direct. Wait until you catch him in the act and then hit him with, ‘Umm, are you okay?’ You are haggling.
Shame that man into fucking respect. Slightly toxic? Sure. Effective? Absolutely.
Because realistically, he’s going to deny, deny, deny, and that, my friend, is classic gaslighting. If he has the audacity to ogle other women in front of you, he has enough disrespect in the tank to lie about it too.
If he ignores it or accuses you of being “crazy” or “jealous” (classic deviance), that’s not your fault, it’s his problem. Respect is non-negotiable, Tish.
If you’re starting to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship, it might be time to take a hard look at whether he really still treats you like the queen you are.
Believe me, there are plenty of men who will look at you like you’re the only woman in the room and hold their swivel seats firmly in place. (I still shudder thinking about it.)
Stay strong and keep your standards high.