Dear Jana,
I need advice about my lover. He’s kind, thoughtful, and honestly the best guy I’ve ever been around. But there’s one thing that’s really starting to worry me.
Every time we have sex, he gets up and goes to shower. We just had this really intimate moment, and the next thing I know he’s in the bathroom leaving me lying there alone.
At first I thought it was just one of his quirks: he’s a bit of a neat freak, so I thought it was his way of making himself comfortable.
But now, a year later, it’s really starting to get to me. I feel like he’s rejecting the moment or washing me away. I even joked about it and asked him to stay a while, but he just says he feels “sticky” and needs to cool off.
I know you’ve been through some tough times with your ex who cheated on you, so maybe this is part of how you handle intimacy. But it makes me feel like he’s hiding something from me emotionally.
Am I thinking too much about this? Or is it fair to want a little intimacy after sex before running off to clean up? I recently discovered that many men do this, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Yours, feeling a little rejected.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers her signature sassy advice to readers who need help with their love life – or lack thereof.
Dear feeling of rejection,
Oh, men and their strange sexual quirks!
First, let me assure you that your feelings are just as valid as a request for a post-coital hug. Sometimes it’s the only reason I enjoy sex, the feeling of intimacy afterwards when you silently high-five each other for a good performance and enjoy each other’s fabulousness. Sweat is part of the magic, right?
So let’s break this down. Your boyfriend seems like a clean freak. There’s nothing wrong with that, bless his hygienic heart, but the man needs to learn about the holy grail of post-sex rituals: the cuddling session.
Controversial opinion, but I think it’s as important as reaching the climax.
You’ve tried to joke about it (I love your approach, by the way), but since Sir Scrub-a-Lot didn’t take the hint, it’s time for a deeper conversation. And yes, this could be related to the trauma of your past relationship. It’s possible that your shower is your way of keeping your emotional walls up (a little melodramatic, I know).
So here’s your game plan: next time, instead of joking, tell him directly how he makes you feel. Be honest, but keep it light. ‘Hey, honey, when you run to the shower, I feel a little bored. I would love for you to stay a little longer to snuggle.
I had a similar conversation with a guy last year who was FWB. He would run out as soon as we finished our gymnastics in the dorm and it made me feel like garbage. So one night (admittedly, after a few margaritas) I told him.
This week, Jana helps a remorseful boyfriend who is wracked with guilt after going to fix his girlfriend’s aunt’s car, only to end up in the bedroom with her.
And bless that man. Now I have to kick him out for staying too long! Trust me, those slightly awkward conversations work.
If he’s a Guardian (and from the looks of it, he is), he’ll want to meet you halfway. Maybe even lure him in with a compromise: “Two minutes of cuddling and I’ll let you wash your hair guilt-free.”
And hey, if you still insist on taking a shower, why not make it a joint venture? A little fun about “water conservation” could turn your peculiar post-sex habit into a bonding moment. Everyone wins, for you and the environment.
So no, you’re not overthinking it. You are simply asking for privacy. Reach out, hug me, and keep me informed!
Dear Jana
I’m in a mess. I am 20 years old and I have been with my wife for approximately a year. I was punching above my weight and I know it.
A couple of months ago he asked me to help his aunt fix the carburetor on her car. Her aunt is 46 years old, but she looks great for her age and keeps herself fit and tidy.
Anyway, I show up after work, fix the car, and she offers me a beer. We end up having a little session over the beers and before I know it, she’s telling all about how her guy had made a career out of it.
The next thing we did was we were in his bedroom and, man, it was next level.
Now I feel like a piece of shit. My wife has no idea and her aunt behaves normally with her, but every time I see her, I get a knot in my stomach. What should I do?
Do I come clean and try to fix things, or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it never happened? I love her but I don’t know if I can stand feeling like a pile of dog shit.
Greetings, Anonymous.
Very good, anonymous.
Buckle up because here comes the controversial take. You’re in a moral minefield, but fear not, I’m going to help you stop blowing everything up.
To put it bluntly, keep your mouth shut!
Confessing may seem noble, but is it really? Let’s think about this rationally.
If you tell your girlfriend, you’re not only letting off steam, you’re also setting off a bomb that will ruin her confidence, her relationship with her aunt, and probably the relationship between the two of you.
It’s a triple whammy that no one asked for. All because your penis got a little excited.
Now, keeping it a secret isn’t about sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about taking responsibility, silently.
Do you feel like a pile of dog shit? Good. Sit with it. Use it as motivation to become a better partner. Strive to be the boyfriend your girlfriend deserves. Treat her so well that I would never imagine that you could make so many mistakes.
The most important part of this “keep it quiet” strategy? Cut all ties with the aunt.
No beers, no carburetors, no anything. She is off limits from now on. You crossed a line and the only way to ensure this never happens again is to create significant distance.
Listen, Anonymous, this is not an easy path; It requires discipline, self-awareness, and a willingness to carry the weight of your mistake without dumping it on anyone else.
But sometimes the “honesty is the best policy” mantra just creates chaos, and frankly, your girlfriend doesn’t deserve to have her world blow up because you couldn’t resist the temptation of a MILF.
So no confession. Instead, commit to being better. And let this guilt be the slap you needed to never make a mistake like that again.
Not everyone will agree with this opinion, but hey, relationships and life are a mess. Handle with care.
Dear Jana,
In a few months I will be 39 years old and the thought of being single at 40 makes me panic.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years. He’s a good guy: kind, stable, he makes me laugh. All my friends think I’m lucky to have him and honestly, I know they’re right.
But here’s the thing… I’m not feeling the fireworks.
I got married when I was in my twenties and it ended badly when I found out he was cheating on me with a colleague. Since then, I’ve had some disastrous dates. I’ve dated ghosts, commitment-phobes, and a guy who “forgot” he was still married.
When my boyfriend arrived, it felt like a breath of fresh air. It ticks a lot of boxes and my family loves it. But deep down, sometimes I feel like we’re “fine.”
I can’t understand if I’m overthinking it because I’ve been burned before or if I’m settling because I’m afraid of being alone. What if I let him go and never find someone as kind as him again? What if I wait for a ‘spark’ and end up regretting it?
Dan has been hinting that they are moving in together and I have been avoiding the conversation because I feel so torn. He deserves someone who is totally committed, but I’m not sure if that’s me.
Am I sabotaging something good because of my past? Or should I trust my instincts and risk everything for the chance of something more?
Chain.
Oh, girl.
First of all, take a deep breath: we’ve all been there, and believe me, it’s infuriating to feel that way.
You’ve got the guy who ticks all the boxes, but those pesky fireworks are nowhere to be found. If only we could choose who we could make our hearts beat for. If that were possible, I would be married to the most gloriously kind man right now.
So let me start by congratulating you for recognizing your instincts. That’s where the answers usually lie, but sometimes our insides get a little loud with baggage from the past and social pressure (damn, social pressures! *shakes fist in the air*).
Let’s take a second to separate the two.
You’ve been through some tough times: a cheating ex-husband and guys who had no business dating you. No wonder he put stability on a pedestal.
But there’s a difference between appreciating stability and settling for “okay.” In (arguably the best TV show of all time) Ted Lasso, Roy Kent offers Rebecca some heartfelt relationship advice:
‘You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been hit by damn lightning. Don’t you dare settle for a fine.
Oh how I love this quote! Highlight the importance of seeking a relationship that truly excites and satisfies you, rather than settling for mediocrity. I’d rather be single than be with someone you feel a little “meh” about.
But I would like to add one more thing to that statement. You also deserve a love that makes you feel at home, not one that makes you wonder “what if?” every two days. Someone you can’t wait to see.
That said, let’s not romanticize the spark. Fireworks fade: that’s simple biology. What remains when the shine settles is a true partnership.
You need the three important tics: trust, shared values, and someone who makes you feel seen. Your partner seems to check those boxes, which is a big problem.
But let’s be real: If you know deep down that this isn’t enough, to be honest, you owe it to both of you.
Staying with someone out of fear (fear of being single at 40, fear of not finding anyone “as nice”) is a one-way ticket to the city of resentment. And trust me, you don’t want to unpack your bags there.
Before you make any big moves (like avoiding another moving talk), have a brutally honest conversation with yourself. Are you torn because you’re afraid of what’s out there or because you know this isn’t forever?
If it’s the former, turn to therapy (I highly recommend it!) or self-reflection to undo your past hurts. If it’s the latter, be brave enough to walk away and trust that the “right person” will show up.
Your guy deserves someone who’s totally on board, and you deserve a relationship that doesn’t leave you questioning your own instincts.
Sometimes the spark we’re chasing isn’t an explosion, it’s a slow, steady burn that feels perfect. But what if this doesn’t even feel like that? Then it’s time to stop dodging and start deciding.
Good luck, Jess. Either way, trust yourself. You’ve survived worse and single life can be really great!