Dear Jana,
Am I normal? Until last week I thought all vaginas looked the same. But while I was on a health retreat, I ended up in a sauna full of naked women and I realized something: Most of them had an “in,” while I have an “out.” Now I can’t stop focusing on it.
To be honest, I think innies look a lot prettier and I even started thinking about surgery. Do guys really care about this kind of stuff? None of the men I’ve been with have said anything, but now I wonder if they’re secretly telling their peers, “I hooked up with someone.”
Please tell me they don’t care!
Anonymous.
Dear anonymous,
I better hope not, because I too have a slight release and I’ve always thought it gave me an extra tingle down there. AND WE WANT more tingles down there. Trust me.
But yeah, sure, innies are cute and I understand the hype, but just like men’s woodpeckers come in different shapes, sizes and curves, we women would be boring if we all looked the same. Fun fact: even in porn videos, women hide them a little inside themselves so as not to give the appearance of having (fabulous) lips. Why, women, why?
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her signature sassy advice to Australians who need help with their love life, or lack thereof.
Anyway, in the name of good research, I asked the men (and lesbians) among us to weigh in. I asked my Instagram followers a simple question: Would you mind if your wife or girlfriend had an outlet?
And the results don’t lie, my friend… a whopping 88 percent don’t give a damn. At the end of the day, I think most gentlemen are happy to be introduced to any vagina. Actually, I know for sure, because a lot of them came into my DMs to let me know.
Guys, the message ‘I LOVE LALAPS!’ The messages have to stop. And please, for everyone’s sake, don’t call them “flaps.”
So, save your pennies for something much better than unnecessary surgery and wear your roast beef panini with pride. The guys couldn’t care less. Spend your hard-earned money on better things, like Botox. God bless Botox.
Dear Jana,
I have been struggling with low libido for a few years and it is causing tension in my marriage. My husband and I have tried therapy, but we still haven’t been able to resolve the problem.
Now he has confessed that he wants to sleep with other women. He said if I can’t accept that, he wants a divorce and has promised to keep things amicable and fair. I was heartbroken. I begged him to reconsider, but he insists he’s already made up his mind: he can’t go on without sex and he won’t wait for me to change.
He says he will do everything he can to make it easier for me, but I feel paralyzed. All I want is for you to be patient and supportive, but that’s clearly not an option. He asks me to decide what I want to do next and I’m completely lost.
How do I start navigating something like this?
With a broken heart.
This week, Jana offers some honest advice to a woman facing divorce because of her low libido.
With a broken heart,
I hate to say it, but I’m on your husband’s side on this one. If my partner turned to me and said, ‘Sorry, I’ve closed the business,’ I would be devastated. Her husband’s honesty, although brutal, is something most people don’t understand in situations like this. He has put his cards on the table, not in a cruel way, but sincerely. And as difficult as it may be to hear, it deserves at least a modicum of respect.
The simple fact is that a man is not a camel and I can understand why he wants a sip of water from time to time.
Marriage is about give and take, and intimacy is a big part of that. For him, it’s not just about sex: it’s about connection and feeling wanted. Being with a woman who is not even remotely interested in having sex with him has probably destroyed his self-esteem. While his ultimatum (let me sleep with other women or I’ll divorce you) may seem extreme, his need for intimacy is not entirely unreasonable.
That being said, I feel for you too. Low libido can be a very difficult thing to deal with. When I was working brutal hours on the radio during breakfast, mine went missing for a while. It took an early night, a proper meal, and yes, even an occasional steamy novel to get back on track. It is absolutely possible for your libido to return, but it takes work and sometimes professional help. A sexologist or therapist could help you here.
But first, ask yourself: can you meet it halfway? I’m not saying to force yourself to do something you’re not ready for, but have you really explored all the avenues? Intimacy doesn’t have to start with fireworks; It can be as simple as holding hands more, kissing, or having a date night without any expectation of sex.
If that seems out of your reach, ask yourself this: Do you love it enough to release it? If sex is so important to him and you know it’s not something you can prioritize now (or ever), the kindest thing you can do is let him explore his needs.
It’s something to think about, because being asked to give up sex for the rest of your life is something anyone would struggle with.
Dear Jana,
I just discovered that my husband has been diverting large amounts of money from our joint account and transferring them to an account I have never seen before.
Now am I getting paranoid thinking he’s funding a secret affair or saving money for a divorce? Or is it some elaborate plan to leave me high and dry?
We’ve always fought a lot, that’s been our relationship from the beginning, but this feels different. As the family’s main breadwinner, he has always had control over the finances, but this is too suspicious to ignore.
How would you deal with this type of behavior? Or am I letting my imagination run wild?
Sue.
Sue,
This is suss, suss, suss behavior. And guess what, you have the right to ask him where the money goes: if you have a bank account in both of your names, you can legally ask. In fact, you should ask. Today.
Time and time again women hand over all their financial decisions to their boyfriends and husbands, and where does that get them? Bankrupt. It drives me crazy. I had a friend who bought a business with her partner, worked hard, and thought everything was going swimmingly, until one day she turned around and said, “We’re liquidating the business… oh, and I have a huge bet on the game.” problem.’
That poor woman spent the next 10 years paying off a debt that wasn’t hers because she never looked at the finances. don’t be that women.
Trust your instinct. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Even if you’re not financing a lover or preparing for an exit from the stage, secrecy around finances is a big no-no.
You say you’ve always fought a lot, and sure, a little sparring can keep things spicy, but when it comes to money, transparency is non-negotiable. So what’s your next step? Don’t go nuclear yet. You don’t want to accuse him of something without evidence; That’s just ammunition for your side if things go wrong.
Get your receipts. Silently obtain bank statements and track those transfers. Where does the money go? If you can’t access the account yourself, it’s time to find a lawyer or hire a financial advisor who can help you untangle the web.
Face calmly. Say a few ‘namastes’ first and then, when you’re ready to talk, approach him directly but without drama.
Something like: “I noticed some big transfers from our joint account.” Can you explain what they are for? If he squirms or throws out a half-assed excuse, you’ll know this rabbit hole goes deeper.
If it’s doubtful, it’s time to protect yourself. Lock down your finances, get legal advice, and start asking tough questions about what you want out of this relationship.
In the beautiful words of Judge Judy: “Once a woman relinquishes her financial independence to her partner, it’s over.” You have to be prepared, because if you are not prepared, you are stuck. and more women have to accept lifestyles that they find unpleasant because they are economically stagnant.’ And she would know it. She sees a lot of that in her courtroom.
So get ready Sue, GET READY!