Dear Jana,
A month ago, at a close friend’s birthday party, things took an unexpected turn. He ended up getting quite drunk and left early. I found myself chatting with her crush, *Jake. What started as a casual conversation quickly turned into a connection and we ended up going home together that night. We both felt an undeniable spark, but for the sake of loyalty, we agreed to keep things a secret.
Fast forward to today and we can’t seem to stop talking! We’ve been texting non-stop and I really think there’s something special between us, but I’m torn. I don’t want to hurt my friend, especially since I know how much she likes it. It feels unfair to keep this secret, but what if Jake is “the one” for me?
What do I have to do? Should I break up with Jake for the sake of our friendship, or is there a way to get through this without losing either of us?
Thanks for your help!
cushla
Dear Cushla,
Ah, the classic ‘friendship versus infatuation’ conundrum! I was in a similar situation not long ago and it made me feel like a dirty, rotten scoundrel. However… I’m going to say something that may not be popular, but it’s true: you should choose the guy over your friend.
Jana Hocking offers advice to three Australians who have found themselves in a series of uncomfortable and upsetting situations.
Here’s why: As we get older, we discover how complicated it can be to find a true partner. Unfortunately, they don’t only grow on trees. While friends come and go, we don’t always have many opportunities to experience true romantic love. So when it comes your way, I think you should really try it.
Let’s be honest, there’s a good chance your friend will be upset for a while, but it’s not her property. Heck, if I called dibs on everyone I liked, I’d be fighting with everyone!
Sure, we’ve all heard the saying “sisters before gentlemen,” blah, blah, blah. That’s fine if you’re okay with the risk of becoming a spinster, but you have to think about what you want in the long term. Yes, it sucks that your friend likes me, but it sounds like the feeling isn’t mutual.
I remember a very similar situation when I was in college. Guess what? The “bad” friend is now married and has three kids with the guy our other friend thought he “stole” him from.
So what do you do? Here’s a plan: have a heart-to-heart with Jake. Tell him you’re feeling conflicted and see if he thinks there’s potential for something long-term or if this is just flirting. If he’s interested in exploring things further, then, I hate to say it, but you’ll have to tell your friend.
Sit her down, pour her a big glass of wine (big!), and frame it carefully. Tell her that you have developed feelings for Jake, but emphasize how much you value her and their friendship. If she’s a true friend, she’ll appreciate your honesty, even if it hurts a little at first.
Honestly, soap operas have nothing to do with real life dramas!
Dear Jana,
I have worked hard in my career and now earn a great salary. I recently got back on dating apps after a long hiatus and am dating guys who make much less money than me. It’s making me sick. Where do you find single men who make good money? I don’t really want to date.
Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
Get that money, baby! But unfortunately, that’s where my support ends.
What you are focusing on is ridiculous. You’re prioritizing what they bring to your mutual bank account, rather than what they bring to your heart.
Girl, shouldn’t you be dating and collecting data like: How does this man make me feel? Is he attentive, intelligent and kind? And of course, does it give me those ‘butt flutters’?
There’s something disgusting about you. Trying to look for guys with wads of cash is kind of gross.
‘Sure, we’ve all heard the saying ‘sisters before gentlemen’, blah, blah, blah. That’s fine if you’re okay with the risk of becoming a spinster, but you have to think about what you want in the long term,” says Jana.
Sure, I understand why motivated men might be seen as a good catch, but if your criteria is strictly “you must make a lot of money,” you’ll be competing with young supermodels, influencers, and gold diggers.
Thanks to your personal goals and drive, you have set yourself up for a comfortable life. Well done! So how about you change your way of thinking and find someone who makes you feel loved and wanted, not just well-fed?
You’d hate to find out that guys are dating you just for your money, so I’m afraid it goes both ways. Change your priorities, girl. I know many fabulously successful women who have gone on “dates” and what they have gotten in return are wonderfully healthy relationships.
Dear Jana,
I got married a few weeks ago and it was the best day of my life. The hen party, the day before, the actual day. I have never been the center of attention and during one special moment I felt so seen. Now I’m legitimately struggling to stay out of the spotlight. How do I get that same emotion without becoming a show pony or a narcissist? Is it just me who feels depressed after your wedding day?
sarah
Dear Sara,
Oh, how addictive being the center of attention can be! I remember waking up the day after my recent birthday party and thinking, ‘Oh, that’s it?’ Months of putting together the perfect outfit, the perfect playlist, a curated guest list, and speeches that made me feel like a million bucks, all of which led to a brief moment of celebration and then back to reality. Bored.
There’s a reason big sports stars become depressed at the end of their careers, when the plaudits and godlike status fade. They face the reality of a normal life, one that does not involve being adored or celebrated. I’ve worked with many of them over the years and it’s no fun watching them fall from grace. They quickly learn that there will always be a younger, fitter player ready to take their place once the aging process begins. Or, in your case, another wedding to celebrate.
The fall from that great pedestal we have placed ourselves on can be brutal!
So no, it’s not just you; We all experience the “Where is my spotlight?” syndrome at some point. It seems that you need to acquire a hobby that guarantees attention. I’m thinking stand-up comedy, karaoke, or public speaking – whatever you like! Just make sure it’s something that allows you to show off a little without needing a full entourage.
You also seem to know how to throw a good party, so why not find excuses to throw more? Start planning an outrageous Christmas party or get a head start on celebrating your next birthday. Having events to look forward to, especially those you can organize, could be the trick to getting rid of that blues.
Can I come?