Table of Contents
We had just taken a couple of photos of my son and his friends in his black tie from the school prom when out of nowhere the sky opened.
There was no wet weather forecast, so none of them carried coats or umbrellas. This didn’t seem to faze the children at all. But I wanted to intervene, and when I heard them talking about going to a little taco place for dinner before the party, I couldn’t help myself.
Like many mothers, I felt obligated to be the one to fix problems. I began frantically searching for places that could accommodate a late reservation for 20 people.
But then my daughter pulled me aside and said, ‘Mom, if Oakley and his friends want to go to a taco bar before prom, let them.’
‘But it’s too small to fit everyone; They’re going to get soaked,’ I said.
‘Mom, let them get wet. Let them show up to prom in tuxedos and wet dresses. Let them go eat wherever they want. It’s your graduation party. Not yours. Leave them.’
Let your family life be something other than a fairy tale
Author Mel Robbins says her Let Them theory could transform your life
let them
The effect of those two simple words was immediate. He could feel the tension dissipating; the stress of trying to control what was happening evaporated. Why did I have to handle this situation? Why not worry about what I was going to make for dinner tonight?
In the days that followed, every time I got nervous, I repeated those two words to myself. Each time the effect was the same.
Things that used to bother me no longer. The people who used to bother me… they just didn’t anymore. Brain space that was once filled with worries, annoyances, and drama was now available for more important things. It was liberating.
Let my family leave the dishes in the sink. That they are late for absolutely everything we are going to. Letting my mother-in-law disagree with my parenting.
Even my husband noticed: “You look different.” And the truth is that I felt different. It felt so good that I posted a 60-second video explaining my Leave Them theory on social media.
Over the past decade, I’ve enjoyed considerable success as a motivational speaker, podcaster, and author, but this really struck a chord with me. Within 24 hours, more than 15 million people had seen it. In one week, 60 million.
And that was just the beginning, because women started sending pictures of their ‘Let Them’ tattoos. I couldn’t believe it.
It was this that inspired me to investigate Leave Them Theory for my new book, speaking with leading experts in psychology, neuroscience, behavioral sciences, and relationships along the way.
I had to understand why these two words had such an immediate, profound and universal impact on so many people.
I also needed to know what comes next. Saying Leave them allows you to emotionally detach from a situation that you cannot control.
But if you left it there, you would soon end up isolated and alone. For this to be truly transformative, you must take responsibility for your next step, for creating the life and relationships you want. I call this the Leave Me side of the equation.
This is how my Leave Them theory can transform your life…
Stop trying to change your other half
A good friend of mine is married to a guy who doesn’t want to take control of his health. She asked him, begged him, and even occasionally burst into tears about it in front of him. She worries a lot.
He has started diets and has gone to the gym in spurts but nothing lasts. She is still angry that he won’t change and he is upset that she won’t stop nagging.
If you’ve reached a dead end like this, you need to tell yourself: Leave them.
People only change when they are ready. So stop punishing them for not changing your timeline. It wastes your time, stresses you out, and most importantly, drives a wedge between you.
Apologize for pressuring them and then ask open-ended questions like, “How do you feel about your health?” Then step back and model the change yourself – this is the Leave Me part. You can’t expect your other half to eat healthier if you don’t.
By doing this, the Leave Them theory will help you unlock the power of positive influence. They’ll think it’s their idea to change, and that’s much more likely to work than incessant complaining.
If they still don’t change, let them. Relinquish control and accept that this is not about you.
Learn to let your friends go
There are friends who are meant to be in your life for a season. And there are those who will be with you for life. When someone pulls away, or feels like they lack energy, don’t make them your enemy, or frantically try to immobilize them.
You can tell when a friendship is strained and the energy is changing, because it starts to drain you. Conversations feel awkward. You will start to feel that something is wrong; Trust that feeling.
I was devastated when I discovered that a group of old friends had gone on a trip without me. At first I felt that familiar whirlwind of emotions: rejection, insecurity, and confusion.
My old self would have obsessed over this for days. I would have turned my friends into villains to make myself feel better.
Only by saying “Leave them” was I able to overcome the pain and analyze my own role in what happened. The Leave Me in this situation was facing the fact that I work too much and hadn’t made the effort to keep in touch, so why would they invite me?
It was up to me to make an effort. I asked a friend if she wanted to come to a concert. I invited another one for a ride.
I also started texting old college friends I hadn’t seen in a decade or more. Now we keep in touch and when I’m in his city for work we go to dinner.
Accept your family as they are
I no longer get caught up in family dramas. The truth is that you have limited time with your loved ones. So let your family life not be a fairy tale.
Your dad isn’t changing. Your mom is not changing. Your brothers are not changing. Your in-laws aren’t changing. The only person you can change is you.
When you say Leave them, you may be seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time. They are humans. You have no control over what happened in your past with them. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this moment on.
This is where the Leave Me side of the equation comes into play. That could mean making an effort because you value your relationship, even when you know they won’t put the same love and care into it. It’s about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the most of it.
Don’t give in to passive aggression
Is someone in your life giving you the silent treatment? This is what an immature adult does when they are upset and do not know how to process their emotions in a healthy and respectful way.
Just as a child pouting in the corner wants his parents to come over and calm him down, an adult who treats you quietly wants your attention.
But it is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or try to fix them. Let them remain silent. Let them get in a bad mood. Let them make everything about them.
Instead of indulging your moods, visualize an eight-year-old trapped inside your body. Do this and you will no longer be afraid of them. You will feel compassion instead of contempt.
Instead of taking the blame and apologizing for behavior that isn’t your fault, acknowledge his discomfort and encourage him to talk to you.
Take back your power at work
Your boss has as much of an impact on your mental health as your partner. Office politics can be stressful and cause anxiety and low self-esteem.
What do you do, for example, if you’ve been doing great work and your boss doesn’t promote you? You feel frustrated, discouraged and helpless. I have been there. But as overwhelming as this may seem, you are not powerless.
You need to let them follow you. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s true. Yes, it’s not fair. Yes, you earned this promotion. But who is responsible for your career? Are you.
If your boss isn’t going to budge, then maybe it’s time to think about getting a new job or changing departments; This is the let me aspect of this situation.
It’s time to take control instead of letting the stress of being ignored drag you down.
- The Leave Them Theory Mel Robbins (Hay House, £22.99). © Mel Robbins 2024. To order a copy for £20.69 (offer valid until 25/01/25; free UK p&p on orders over £25), visit www.mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.