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Psychologist reveals why people ‘always’ look for evidence their partner is going to abandon them

Psychologist Reveals Why People ‘Always Look For Evidence’ That Their Partner Is Up To Something — And How To Deal With Your Attachment Style

  • A psychologist has revealed why people are so fixated on potentially being abandoned
  • Dr. Nicole LePera has over 6.4 million people following her work on relationships
  • People who are anxiously attached fear emotional intimacy with their partner
  • That fear leads to a fixation on the partner’s moods and a need for reassurance
  • And when that need is not met, people withdraw and feel abandoned

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A psychologist has revealed why some people in relationships tend to look for reasons why their partner will abandon them.

Doctor Nicole LePeraof Philadelphia, has gained a following of over 6.1 million people for her work on healing one’s inner self and understanding why emotional intimacy is important.

“Many of us are constantly looking for evidence that our partner will abandon us or hurt us in some way,” she began her viral Twitter thread.

Dr. Nicole Lepera (Pictured), Of Philadelphia, Has Gained A Following Of More Than 6.1 Million People For Her Work On Healing One'S Inner Self And Understanding Emotional Intimacy

Dr. Nicole LePera (pictured), of Philadelphia, has gained a following of more than 6.1 million people for her work on healing one’s inner self and understanding emotional intimacy

“When we are anxiously attached, we struggle to feel secure in our relationships. We are fixated on: what our partner thinks, does, or how they might hurt us. Our fear is that we will be abandoned.’

People with an anxious attachment style are overly concerned about their partner’s feelings and emotions and tend to be needy in relationships.

They often want to be close to other people, but are afraid that others do not want the same.

“While we fear abandonment, on a deep subconscious level, we actually fear emotional intimacy,” Dr. LePera revealed.

While this could be for a variety of reasons, the psychologist gave an example of childhood emotional intimacy that was often relegated to being shamed or ridiculed, severely punished or emotionally abandoned – as in the silent treatment.

‘Being actually seen, heard and seen evokes fear (and sometimes even fear or panic). This is where sabotage patterns come into play. We fear intimacy, so we engage in behaviors that block intimacy. Also called self-protection.’

A Psychologist Has Revealed Why Some People In Relationships Tend To Look For Reasons Why Their Partner Will Abandon Them

A Psychologist Has Revealed Why Some People In Relationships Tend To Look For Reasons Why Their Partner Will Abandon Them

A psychologist has revealed why some people in relationships tend to look for reasons why their partner will abandon them

Examples of harmful ‘self-protection’

  • push-pull behavior (shutting down when someone gets close)
  • seeking affection or attention outside of our relationship
  • set up a “hard front” (defense mechanism)
  • stonewalling (silent treatment)

The psychologist also revealed that the lack of authentic emotional intimacy results in a need for constant reassurance that you are safe and loved.

“Our partners’ mood or emotions dictate our own emotional state,” she said. “We are only okay if our partner is okay. And how our partner feels about us becomes how we feel about ourselves.”

She added, “Our well-being depends on the emotional state of someone outside ourselves. This feels like riding an emotional rollercoaster.’

This anxious attachment style can often lead people to choose partners who are equally emotionally damaged and unavailable, which can create an even deeper fear of abandonment.

People With An Anxious Attachment Style Are Overly Concerned About Their Partner'S Feelings And Emotions And Tend To Be Needy In Relationships

People With An Anxious Attachment Style Are Overly Concerned About Their Partner'S Feelings And Emotions And Tend To Be Needy In Relationships

People with an anxious attachment style are overly concerned about their partner’s feelings and emotions and tend to be needy in relationships

The unhealthy cycle created by fear of abandonment

This becomes a cycle:

I look to my partner for reassurance —-> they reject my need for connection

—-> I have been abandoned —-> I withdraw —-> they feel abandoned.

My core belief “I will be abandoned” is confirmed.

And the cycle repeats.

Thousands thanked Dr. LePera for the simple breakdown of such a complicated emotional turmoil cycle, and shared their own experiences of anxiety in relationships.

“This thread gave me an epiphany on why I’ve always felt this way,” one woman wrote. “I like the parts about how we subconsciously fear intimacy, and because of that, we’re too influenced by other people’s moods.”

Another added, “This is so perfect. We have experienced this cycle for the first 20 years of our marriage. Patience and maturity have led to happier days over the past 15 years.”

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Jacky

The author of what'snew2day.com is dedicated to keeping you up-to-date on the latest news and information.

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