A leading American clinical psychologist has revealed a technique for dealing with narcissists – but warned you have to be “tough as nails” to carry it out.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, who has a huge social media following with 1.81 million subscribers on YouTube alone, posted a video on the platform titled ‘What happens when you become a “gray rock”?’
During the 12-minute video, he explained what “gray rocking” is and why it is an effective way to get rid of the narcissist in your life, but also highlighted that it is unlikely to be a comfortable experience and could even be “triggering.” .
A narcissist, as someone who craves admiration, desires to be the center of attention, and believes he or she deserves special treatment, feeds off the recognition of others, what psychologists call “narcissistic supply.”
So while some people argue that a narcissist should be reported, Dr. Ramani believes nothing could be further from the truth.
Grey-rocking, Dr. Ramani explained, is essentially maintaining minimal communication with a narcissist and not engaging in any real conversation with them.
By offering no reflection, the gray rock disempowers the narcissist: it is no longer an enabling mirror.
“You become completely inert, forgettable, disconnected… like a gray rock,” he said.
Dr. Ramani (pictured) posted a video on YouTube, where she has 1.81 million subscribers, titled “What happens when you become a ‘gray rock’?”
He explained that you can still throw out ‘chunks of supply just to divert them’ but ultimately gray rolling comes down to having as little contact as possible with the narcissist.
Dr. Ramani explained, “When you’re in the presence of a narcissist, you can sit like a gray rock: calm, collected, and basically not engaging in nonsense.”
In other words, by “not interacting with them, not talking to them, not arguing with them,” you are no longer offering them a source of narcissistic supply, which will eventually lead them to “get bored of you” and look for someone else.
However, as Dr. Ramani continued to point out, it is rarely a completely calm or painless experience for those trying to break free from the narcissist.
Rather, when the narcissistic individual begins to notice the change in behavior, he or she will likely become very agitated.
She explained: “Because narcissists desperately need other people – and resent other people because they need them – initially, when you gray them out, you stop being such a strong source of narcissistic supply.”
And, because you have long been their “source of validation and narcissistic supply,” they won’t quickly notice your absence.
Dr. Ramani expanded: “The narcissist will get frustrated and say things like, “What are you doing in therapy now?”, “Are you too nice to talk to me?”
Dr. Ramani cautioned that while gray rolling is an effective method for getting rid of the narcissist in your life, it is rarely a comfortable experience and can be “triggering.”
“They will turn it into a kind of argumentative, combative and degrading space.”
Because such repercussions are so unpleasant and uncomfortable for those doing gray rolling, they may begin to doubt whether they are doing the right thing in getting rid of the narcissist.
On this point, Dr. Ramani was absolutely resolute.
“The trick when making gray rock is to endure this initial period of turmoil,” he said.
He added: “At first there will be agitation, contempt, anger, frustration. They may be combative, rude, invalidating, they may insult you, they may actually try to get you out.
‘This is the hardest phase of the gray rock. You have to be tough as nails to stand there and resist it.’
However, for people who want to distance themselves from a narcissist using the gray rolling method, that is not the only challenge they are likely to face.
While the goal of gray rolling is to get rid of the narcissist, the next stage—what Dr. Ramani calls “the discard phase”—can also be difficult, or even intolerable.
He explained that the narcissist will probably become very agitated around the person doing the gray rolling (file image)
The discard phase comes when the narcissist is so fed up with trying to make the gray swinger angry (so bored of turning to them for narcissistic supply and getting nothing in return) that they simply stop and move on. .
But even though the ultimate goal of the gray rock has been achieved, it is rarely easy for the person who has now freed themselves from the narcissist.
Dr Ramani explained: ‘The discard phase is always uncomfortable and sometimes triggering.
“It can remind a person of experiences early in their life where their parents would dismiss them.”
The way the narcissist dismisses the person can make things even more complicated, for example if they threaten them or start saying negative things about them to other people.
But, as Dr. Ramani reminded viewers, no matter how uncomfortable they feel, the gray rock must stay strong and remember that their goal was always to be free of the narcissist.
She emphasized: “You have to hang in there, remember, you want this to happen.” Discarding, getting away from you, is good.’
The gray rock has imposed a boundary between them and the narcissist, which will, in turn, allow them to live a freer and happier life.
Gray rolling, Dr. Ramani concluded, disempowers the narcissist.
“You take away their power completely and play with their insecurity by no longer being that conducive mirror for their narcissism,” he said.