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You wonder if your partner is right for you. But have you thought about how they might suit your future children?
Alan Kazdin, a Yale psychologist who studies child rearing, recently warned parents to be extremely aware of their own behavior toward their children.
At a forum hosted by the American Psychological Association, he said the old adage “do as I say, not as I do” is “ridiculous” because so many children are copied.
Aside from unknowingly encouraging bad behavior, psychologists say there are common signs that one partner will let the other take over once they start a family.
So how do you know what to watch out for, whether in yourself or a potential life partner?
Below, DailyMail.com has compiled expert opinions on the red flags that could indicate your fiance may not be the best parent after all…
Developmental psychologists say certain parental traits can harm children’s emotional health because they copy unhealthy behaviors.
They are bad at setting boundaries
If your partner has trouble setting boundaries with you or other people in their life, they might have trouble setting them for their children.
For example, if your partner has trouble telling a friend when a joke goes too far, or if they excessively share personal information with strangers.
Research shows that failing to set boundaries with children can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional development.
Setting clear rules and enforcing them kindly will help your children grow into adults who respect other people’s boundaries and know right from wrong. US Centers for Disease Control.
Setting firm limits for your child is one of the keys to being a good parent, said Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist. She knows. “Good parenting is a healthy mix of warmth and firmness,” Krawiec said.
They micromanage you and others
If you feel like your partner often dictates how you should accomplish tasks or go about your daily life, he or she might do the same with your children.
And micromanagement is known to be harmful to development.
Stanford scientists found that children whose parents managed them – instead of giving them room to make their own mistakes – had a harder time developing their cognitive and emotional skills. Children need guidance, but they also need space to develop their own skills, the document details.
“When parents let their children take the lead in their interactions, children develop self-regulation skills and develop independence,” Jelena Obradović, a professor at the Stanford Graduate School of Education, said in a press release. of the University.
They don’t do their part with the chores
Sharing duties is the third most important factor in a successful marriage, according to a 2016 Pew Research Poll. Chores were ranked only after having common interests and a sexual relationship.
Showing how to share chores for your children so they are able to manage their own is a vital way to teach them responsibility, author and educator Julie Lythcott-Haims wrote in her book “How to Raise an Adult.”
“Doing chores teaches a child a work ethic. They learn to roll up their sleeves, to participate, to do the things that need to be done, even the unpleasant things, in order to contribute to the whole. This is what allows them to advance in the workplace,” Lythcott-Haims wrote on his website.
Perhaps one of the most famous examples of a poor parental relationship is Homer Simpson on The Simpsons, who is aggressive and impatient with his son Bart.
They feel emotions very intensely
From paper cuts to skinned knees, children need those who have a calming, neutral effect, no matter how stressful the circumstances.
If your partner is unable to calm down, he or she may not be in the best position to help your future child do so. Adopting a calm demeanor is crucial to helping children become well-adjusted adults, according to the American Psychological Association.
“A good parent is one who has a more flexible parenting approach to take into account each child’s temperament and personality,” Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said on SheKnows.
Additionally, a parent’s emotions can rub off on a child, according to psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter. It is therefore important that the emotions your partner lets out are reasonable.
“Children raised by depressed parents are much more likely to be diagnosed with depression,” writes Bourg Carter. Psychology today.
They have difficulty understanding your feelings
Lack of empathy is a core trait of narcissistic personality disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision.
Children raised by parents with this trait tend to have lower self-esteem and difficulty developing healthy relationships, according to a study by Smith College.
Empathy is a key skill for knowing how to best comfort and communicate with children, psychologist Natalie Feinblatt told SheKnows.
One thing good parents can do to comfort their child when he or she is upset is to use their empathy to reflect that, Feinblatt said.
Mirroring “means reflecting the feeling back to the child so that they know they are seen and understood,” she explained.
If a partner shows signs that they can understand how you feel, they’ll likely make a great parent, experts say.