Phoebe, it’s time to drop the surname: I know we have history, writes JANA HOCKING, but calling yourself ‘Mrs Burgess’ after Sam remarried just isn’t a good look. Here’s some friendly advice…

Dear Phoebe,

Sit down, pour yourself a cup and make yourself comfortable. We need to talk.

I know we probably won’t talk after I got kicked kissing your ex-husband during a night out, but know that I’m here waving a white flag and bringing some friendly advice that should have been given a long time ago.

For the record, let me clarify that soccer star Sam Burgess was definitely your ex-husband at the time of our clinch. How do I know? Because he had just come back from a divorce when I met him in the Potts Point bar in Sydney all those years ago.

Now, gap aside, there is another elephant in the room that needs to be addressed.

Let me put it bluntly: It’s time to give up the ghost of husbands past. Yes, I’m referring to your Instagram handle @mrsphoebeburgess.

Of course, I understand why you would want to share the same last name as your children Poppy, 7, and Billy, 5. But the Lady? Honey, it’s been five years since your torturous divorce and now he’s remarried.

There’s a new Mrs. Burgess on the block: former British girl band member turned fashion designer Lucy Graham. And she hasn’t wasted any time updating her Instagram account to @itslucyburgess. (If I had chosen @mrslucyburgess, that would have really been twisting the knife!)

You’ve compared your decision to keep Sam’s last name to “wearing the scars” of your marriage “with pride,” Phoebe. That’s pretty noble, but it makes you look like you’re a little obsessed with the past when it’s clear your ex-husband has long since moved on.

Now, full transparency: I, too, have held on to men who have passed their sell-by date for a long time. Hell, if I’m honest, there’s a recent ex who wasn’t good… nothing goodI tell you! – but if you picked up the phone tomorrow and asked for me, I would get in my Fiat 500 and be at your house in a heartbeat.

What a shame, Jana.

We should aim much higher.

Let’s be honest, Phoebe: you’re sexier than Sam, or ever was. You are smarter. You have a fabulous career (congratulations on your new book), a beautiful home in the Southern Highlands of New South Wales and a wardrobe to die for. I mean, your bag collection alone makes women cry with envy.

So let’s leave that ‘Ma’am’ title to the curb, where it belongs.

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she is faced with two choices when it comes to her exes: cling to the past… or pick yourself up, ignore yourself, and look to the future. A future full of sexy men who love you.

I think you should choose the latter. I know you’ve mentioned in the past that you now live on “dry land,” so to speak. I think your words were, ‘Well, I got divorced in 2019. It was a good year for me. And yes, no, I haven’t had sex since… three and a half years, almost four. I’m not willing to risk that freedom. I am 33 years old. But in a way I miss sex, which has disappeared from my life. “I have deeply associated that (lack of sex) with a sense of freedom.”

And yes, sister! Preach those virtuous and free-spirited ways. I applaud you. But can I offer an alternative view? I think you need to put on a sexy little dress, get back on the celebrity dating app Raya and get some action.

Oh my god, if I had your legs, I’d be strutting them all over town.

You need to restart that engine, go on some interesting dates, and before long you’ll be saying to yourself, ‘Sam who?’ I’ve never heard of him.

And listen, I’m not saying you should completely eliminate it from your life. Any sly commentary on a podcast is perfectly acceptable.

Let’s take a look at celebrities from the past who have handled class breakups and at the same time managed to make a cheeky hint:

There’s fashion designer Pip Edwards, who gave the iconic “not my circus” response when asked what role he played in his ex-boyfriend, cricketer Michael Clarke,’s public row in Noosa.

Then there’s Laura Dern, who, while away from home filming a movie, was cheated on by her fiancé Billy Bob Thornton, who married Angelina Jolie behind her back. Brutal. So you know what he did? She married a hot singer named Ben Harper and won three Oscars.

The definitive burn.

And let’s not forget Taylor Swift, the queen who handles breakups with class and a touch of sass. He has discovered many former losers with number one songs that made him money! Oh, and he went on to Ellen and called out Joe Jonas for his 25-second breakup call saying:

‘Someday I’m going to find someone really great for me… When I find that person who’s right for me, she’ll be wonderful. And when I look at that person, I won’t even be able to remember the guy who broke up with me over the phone in 25 seconds when I was 18. I think it was a record. I looked at the call log. “It was like 27 seconds.”

She backed that up by meeting a football star, the ridiculously cute (and much taller) Travis Kelce, who loves the ground he walks on. I mean, take a bow!

Also, nowadays, do we still place a lot of importance on being a ‘Mrs’? Is it really a badge of honor?

He has worked hard and earned his career and his own personal identity. Who wants to be a Lady Deputy? Yawn. Snore. (No offense, Lucía).

So listen, if you need someone to guide you back into the fabulous world of dating, unblock me on Instagram, hit up my DMs and we can grab a cocktail and complain about Sam. (It’s a joke!)

But seriously, let’s have some drinks and go out again. The sea of ​​single men is wide and you are too pretty and intelligent not to make the most of it.

So say good riddance to that ‘Mrs.’ from your Instagram account, ditch your inner ‘Charlotte’ and introduce some ‘Samantha’ Sex and the City attitude into your life. You never know where it can lead…