Dear Vicky,
Every year we go on holiday with four other couples and their children to a villa in Greece. Throughout the year we all deposit into an account through direct debit to be able to distribute the expense equitably. Then each of us keeps receipts for lunches, bar bills, ice cream, etc. during the week.
My husband and I enjoyed every moment of the break until the last day when it was time to split the final expenses. There are a couple, our oldest friends, who always try to avoid paying their fair share.
It is generally a small amount; For example, the wife doesn’t drink, so she shouldn’t have to pay for her drinks, or she feels that her room was a little smaller and she wants money to cover the expenses. She makes an easy system complicated, leaves the rest of us out of pocket and means holidays always end on a sour note for me. I want to take them on this summer, but my husband says it’s no big deal if we pay an extra £50 a head and they’re too good friends to bother. But what about us?
Some people who are so focused on “justice” suffer from fear of exploitation, even in the relaxed atmosphere of a holiday with friends, writes Vicky Reynal.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: Relationships are often tested when our differences collide. Your perception of this topic is different, both from how your husband sees it (as less important than you to address it) and from your friends, who are more focused on paying what’s “fair” rather than good enough, even. division of expenses.
Why couldn’t they go to the trouble of ruining the last day to ensure they only paid for what they consumed? There could be several reasons. One possibility could be that they have stretched their budget to make the trip. They may be ashamed to admit it, and so it comes from a desire to see everyone or not disappoint their children, but they spend more than they are comfortable with and find it difficult to accept the impact of their choice. Part of this “reclaiming” might address guilt or regret over spending too much.
There may also be deeper reasons. Some people who are so focused on “justice” suffer from fear of exploitation. It may be that a past experience has left them alert to any situation in which they see the risk of feeling ‘unfairly treated’. The point is, we don’t know what’s driving it, but seemingly petty behavior could have difficult emotions at its roots.
Taking all this into account, and given how unfair it seems to you that they go against your assumption that expenses would be shared equally, it might be wise to have a conversation with them before the next trip. This would give you space to explain your feelings and help you understand what’s behind your behavior. You could start by asking them if they would change anything about last year’s trip (they might mention reviewing the budget). You might suggest that this year everyone agree in advance how expenses will be divided.
Whether or not this conversation will bother them depends on how you approach it. If you try to prove that your method is best and theirs is not, you will be caught in an unpleasant confrontation. But if you try to understand their point of view, a solution that works for everyone will be within your reach.