No, your parents probably aren’t to blame for all your problems: DR MAX PEMBERTON

We hear a lot about “trauma” these days; in fact, contemporary psychology seems obsessed with it.

Until a few years ago, it was something that doctors didn’t hear much about, except in the case of people who had suffered some catastrophic tragedy, an accident or a life-changing event that had caused PTSD.

Today it’s a different story. Sometimes it seems like everyone says they are traumatized now, no matter how normal and monotonous their life is.

I hear more and more patients talk about having experienced some form of “trauma,” often related to their childhood. After digging deeper, I usually find that they were not abused, bereaved, or seriously ill, and they did not necessarily witness anything that we would consider “traumatic.”

Similarly, social media is full of people talking about trauma. It seems to have become trendy.

In many cases, what they are referring to is “struggle,” something we all face at some point and which is not at all the same thing.

In my opinion, it is not useful to reframe every small setback, setback or stumble as a “trauma.”

It has become a buzzword, so much so that some patients who have experienced genuine and severe trauma, such as sexual assault or rape, have spoken of being quite resentful of the way armchair psychologists have appropriated the word on social media to refer to anything vaguely disturbing.

Should we really categorize the sadness someone experiences when their father misses their sports day in the same way as that of the person whose father abused them?

I am in no way belittling the fact that your emotional needs are not met as a child, which can have lasting repercussions into adulthood.

Children need to feel cared for and loved, and in many different ways. Some need freedom, others thrive on order and routine. When parents don’t get this right, it can be very difficult and determine who we will become as adults.

Someone who doesn’t feel loved in the right way may come to believe that they are unlovable and that they need to try harder to please others. They may become a desperate people-pleaser, for example, and constantly seek approval from those around them.

It’s not that they weren’t loved when they were young, but that they weren’t loved in the way they longed to be.

This is not to criticize parents, who, after all, are not given a manual on what their child needs. Most of it is guesswork.

But if your parents were imperfect, dwelling on an emotionally unsatisfying childhood and using it as a kind of label will only lead to more problems. It keeps you in a permanent state of victimization and prevents you from understanding and overcoming your discomfort.

One of the world’s leading experts on trauma, psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, whose book The Body Keeps the Score has been on the best-seller list for several years, said in a recent interview that “when trauma becomes your identity, that’s a dangerous thing.”

I think this is very true. When we declare common struggles to be “trauma,” we force ourselves to look back and prevent ourselves from accepting that while our needs were not met in the way we wanted, we were still loved and cared for.

Understanding this helps us accept who we are, both the positive and the negative. It’s a good thing that it’s much easier to process these kinds of difficulties than it is to overcome the trauma of being in a house fire, seeing a family member die, or being abused.

We don’t need to evoke the language of trauma to understand that life can be challenging at times, but our difficulties don’t have to define us and we can change, leave them behind and move forward to a happier life.

The World Health Organisation has been accused of “punishing” women after urging new mothers to breastfeed for six months. It’s the best start to a baby’s life, but I’m fed up with the pressures put on women, bombarded with advice that makes them feel like failures if they give birth, feed or raise a child in a way that isn’t the official way.

The surprising truth about Zara trolls

Reality TV star Zara McDermott, 27, has spent time investigating the “trolls” who sent her vile comments on social media and was shocked to discover they lived very normal lives. There was a primary school teacher and a middle-aged married man with children.

We like to think of trolls as sad, lonely people just looking for attention, and in some cases that is the case. But psychological studies have suggested that they feel morally superior and justified in putting others down.

As a result, appealing to their humanity is often of little value, as showing them that they have upset us only reinforces their behaviour. Psychologists suggest that responding with a level of indifference but clearly stating that their behaviour is not okay is the best approach. It is also critical that we all intervene when we see someone being bullied and show our disapproval.

Scientists have developed a pill that increases the chances of having a baby through in vitro fertilisation by 7 per cent. The drug, called OXO-001, is the first treatment that acts directly on the lining of the uterus to increase the chances of an embryo implanting.

This will no doubt be hailed as a positive for those struggling to conceive, but we risk overlooking another way to become parents: adoption.

Adoption rates are declining and children in care are waiting longer than ever to find adoptive parents. There are several young people in my clinic who have been in the care system and while everyone does the best they can, that is no substitute for a loving family.

I understand that adoption has its difficulties, but let’s not forget that it is an option and can transform lives.

Dr. Max prescribes… A daily laugh

An extraordinary new law in a region of Japan stipulates that people must laugh at least once a day.

The ruling also requires companies to “develop a work environment filled with laughter” and designates the 8th of every month as “laughter day.”

The law was inspired by research from a local university that found that regular laughter can reduce the risk of heart disease and help people live longer.