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Being a mother-in-law has never been easy. Do you like them? Do you like them? And how much is too much to get involved in your child’s relationships?
It’s easy for well-meaning comments to create tension, and the rise of blended families has made mother-in-law dynamics more complex.
Couples who choose their children may have been previously married, have children of their own, and bring along other in-laws to add to the family mix.
A good mother-in-law spends a lot of time biting her tongue and resists the temptation to jump in with a bit of sage advice.
But as a clinical psychologist, I specialize in family dynamics. I teach the families who come to me clear guidelines that anyone can follow if they want to enjoy a happy and harmonious relationship with their child’s partner in the long term.
Here are my top tips, including why it’s okay if you don’t like your new son or daughter-in-law…
Let the children get on with their lives
The perfect mother-in-law is a fairy tale character, so stop trying to make the relationship “right.” This isn’t a “role,” you’re just an observer now.
If you’ve done a good job during your child’s formative years, he or she will have gone into the wild as well prepared as possible. Trust that you’ve taught him or her well.
Rather than getting too involved, the joy of being a mother-in-law is being close enough to see your children move on with their own lives. The best you can hope for is a harmonious relationship between you, your children, and their spouses.
Be careful what you say about your partners
From now on, you must be very careful that everything you say is framed in kindness, because anything negative could be taken as criticism.
Your child’s partner sees you as having the strongest relationship with the person you love. He or she will be on the lookout for negative aspects and alert for approval.
Remember that you have not won a son
The people your children settle down with are not your children, and you need to get the idea out of your head that you could be their “mother.” The most you can gain is a new perspective on a relationship that is important to your child. Play your cards right and you will be close to them and share large parts of their life.
As a clinical psychologist, I specialize in family dynamics. I teach families who come to me clear guidelines that anyone can follow.
Try not to criticize your parents.
It can be tempting for your children’s partners to use you as a place to vent negative feelings about their own parents.
Don’t play that game. As tempting as it is to think, “Aren’t they useless? I’m so much better at this job!”, it’s better to say nothing or say something conciliatory, like, “I’m sure they did the best they could under the circumstances.”
Small gestures can show that you care.
The best way to bond with your child’s partner is to get to know them in person. Mark their birthday or the day they start a new job and send them flowers or a funny card. A small gesture will show that you care about them as an individual, not just as your child’s other half.
Don’t assume you’ll like them
You are not expected to like your daughter or son-in-law. Be honest, sometimes you may not even like your own children, but love transcends everything. This also applies to ex-partners.
Even if the relationship ends, avoid bursting into statements like, “It’s a good thing they left, I never liked them.” Your child may choose to go back to them…
Never give advice unless asked for it
A good mother-in-law spends a lot of time biting her tongue and resisting the temptation to jump in with wise advice. She’s an adult and can take her good advice with a grain of salt. You can’t always force her to do what you want, but you can find peace with her decisions.
The golden rule of being a grandfather
Nothing causes more irritation than a mother-in-law criticizing how her son and his partner are raising their children.
So when grandchildren arrive, I recommend that you establish one important rule from the beginning.
Tell them that they can raise their children however they want, that you are open to consultation, but that you will never criticize them or make unsolicited suggestions.
This means that when you are all together, you must turn a blind eye to any “parenting mistakes.”
However, tell them that on the occasions when you are solely responsible for those children, you will act with them as you see fit.
The truth is, parenting varies greatly from generation to generation, and it’s important not to let those differences come between you.
Without this rule, anything you do or say with your grandchildren could seem like criticism.
Avoid competition with other in-laws
Trying to outdo other in-laws will only end in tears. Avoid the temptation to compare the time your children or grandchildren spend with your partner’s families. The quality of time you spend together is key, not the quantity.
Dr Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and a Chartered Fellow of the British Psychological Society.
As told to Louise Atkinson
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