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New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on individual goals, from achieving a fit body to tallying up the number of books you read in a year. However, our relationships are often at the bottom of the priority list. Busy lifestyles and changing demands mean many people take their partners for granted – so maybe this is the year to give your relationship a boost the focus of your New Year’s resolutions.
But where to start? We spoke to relationship therapists for their top tips, from the habit that led to a couple having the ‘most sex ever’ to the simple mantra to live by for good connection in 2025.
Andrew G Marshall
Andrew G Marshall is a marriage therapist and author with over thirty-five years of experience. He has a new online course called My best relationship tools.
Take a bath together every week
A sexual relationship is important to make you feel like lovers and not just business partners, but in a long-term relationship, spontaneous sex usually only happens about three times a year. A weekly bath means you have a sensual experience where you talk – perhaps about what you’ve been grateful for that week – and the intimate time together can lead to sex. I’ve been a therapist for forty years, and the couple I met who had the most sex took baths together every night after the kids were put to bed.
Always remember the three H’s
If your partner is bothering you, ask, “Do you want to be heard, helped, or held?” rather than jumping to the conclusion that he or she wants a solution. If they want to be heard, it might be a good idea to summarize what they said, rather than immediately stating your opinion. If they want help, ask ‘how can I help?’, rather than just diving in. Often what we need more than anything is to be held, because nowadays we don’t have touch anymore, so a hug. when your partner’s anger can be absolutely amazing.
Repeat the mantra: It’s not all about me
When your partner starts to get angry, it’s normal to conclude that it’s because of something you did. However, an excessive reaction is often about more than that: you may be the trigger, but extreme upset could be the sign of an old wound being reactivated. Maybe your partner doesn’t think you take them seriously, and it reminds them of not being taken seriously by their parents when they were younger. Remember, it’s not all about you. Don’t tell your partner to calm down, because no one in the history of humanity has ever calmed down because someone else told them to. Just listen to them.
Georgina Sturmer
Georgina Sturmer is an MBACP registered psychotherapist. You can find out more about her work at georginasturmer.co.uk.
Make it a phone-free time together
Our devices are so useful. They keep us busy, informed and in touch. But in many relationships they have the opposite effect. They act as a barrier, as a third party in the room, leading to ‘digital detachment’. When we commit to spending some time together without devices, we send each other a message that we are more important, more interesting, and more attractive than our digital distractions.
Spend time as a couple, with friends
This may sound like a strange suggestion, especially if we struggle to make time together. But sometimes, when there are two of us, we get stuck in a rut of administration and chores. In contrast, when we socialize as a couple, we’re more likely to bring our best game, dress up, and strike up a conversation. This has a knock-on effect on how we see each other. It can also strengthen a sense of unity and teamwork, giving us a shared experience to talk and gossip about.
Provide some individual treatment time
When we are frustrated, tired, or stressed, we are likely to take it out on our partner. So in addition to making time together, it’s important that both parties also have some ‘me-time’. This does not necessarily have to be expensive or complicated. But it should be an opportunity for everyone to relax and enjoy themselves, without feeling resentful or judged. When we take care of ourselves, we are much more likely to feel satisfied and grateful in our relationship.
Susan Quilliam
Susan Quilliam works as a coach to help individuals and couples resolve their inner conflicts. Her latest project goes live in the spring of 2025.
Neutralize your problems
We all have little irritations in life with our partner. Does it bother you when he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle of the tube? Or if she holds onto the TV remote all evening? Bullying each other doesn’t help. Instead, let your 2025 resolution be to focus on calming yourself down – and thus reduce the danger of arguments. Learn to relax by breathing in for a count of four, holding your breath for a count of seven, and then exhaling for a count of eight. Then let go of the irritability and get on with your day.
Discover your love needs and make them come true
American relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman suggests that partners often differ on what they see as expressions of love. It is crucial to give the expression your partner wants most, not the one you prefer! So discuss what you and your loved one desire most from each other. Gifts? Loving touch? Quality time together? Romantic words? Useful actions? Then agree to actually deliver what each other needs at least once a week.
Don’t make a decision – take a common direction
Specific New Year’s goals can do more harm than good if one or both of you abandon your resolutions and that leads to resentment. Instead, agree on a general “direction” that you can both take that will focus your attention on what you want your relationship to look like in 2025. Summarize your goal in a few words, for example, “we are affectionate,” “let’s be passionate,” or “always supportive.” Then, commit to keeping that idea at the center of your relationship all year long.