My wife insists that we should combine our bank accounts now that we are married. We are both in our second marriages and didn’t really talk about how we wanted to handle finances as we have been pretty relaxed about our lives ahead and with our children almost grown.
I’m resistant to the idea, but I’m not sure why. She hasn’t been irresponsible with money or anything like that. What bothers me is rather the timing of his demand.
It’s very much in his character to be on top of everything, but sometimesmetroIt just gets too much. We both earn a decent salary, but she is frustrated by my resistance to pooling our funds. It also bothers me that I can’t get to the bottom of why it bothers me so much that she wants us to get together on finances.
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Vicky Reynal says that while merging finances represents deeper intimacy, trust and a united front for some people, for others it can feel like a loss of independence (image posed by models).
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: First, let me commend you for pausing to reflect before making a decision on something that clearly seems significant.
I feel like you’ve already identified some important clues about what might be going on.
You mention that the fact that your wife asks you to combine bank accounts makes you uncomfortable, even though she is not irresponsible with money.
What strikes me is that his timing and the way he presented the idea seems to have triggered something in you. It may be about merging accounts, but we have yet to explore whether your lawsuit has taken hold of a fear in you of what marriage brings.
Vicky Reynal suggests exploring options such as having your own accounts for personal expenses and a joint one for shared expenses
If you’re worried about a slippery slope of demands, then you might be interpreting a request that comes from a “practical” standpoint as a heavier demand: more commitment on your part, more resources, etc.
Have you ever wondered what combining accounts means to you? For some people, it represents deeper intimacy, trust, and a united front. But to others, it may seem like a loss of independence, a kind of financial annexation that signals a change in control or freedom.
What emotion do you feel in response to this request? Is it anger or suspicion? Is it fear or a feeling of overwhelming? It might be helpful to explain what is evoked in you. Imagine if you had to draw it in a vignette: what emotion would your character express (fear, anger?) and what action would they take. Clinging to your money protectively or wanting to run away from it all?
Try to identify which part of you has raised a red flag. Is it a young part of you that watched your parents argue endlessly about finances and wants to prevent the same thing from happening in your relationship? Is there a part of you that struggles to trust others (when it comes to money, or more generally) and has feared since your first marriage that your partners will eventually be exploitative and selfish?
Or is it a part of you that needs a certain degree of autonomy in relationships or is beginning to feel ‘smothered’ or overly controlled in them?
On this last point, you mentioned that your wife can be “in control of things” and that sometimes that feels too much. This is an important clue. Could your request to merge finances seem like another of those moments when your efficiency or need for order invades your sense of autonomy?
Maybe you’re afraid that his request for joint accounts will grant him access to a whole new area of your life where until now you’ve felt a decent amount of freedom.
It might be helpful to explore what you feel you are being asked to let go of. Is it your financial privacy? The feeling of control over your own earnings? Or maybe it’s the fear of losing a buffer between their individual identities in this new chapter.
For some people, combining bank accounts seems symbolic, like crossing a final threshold from “I” to “we.”
You may want to have a conversation with your wife where you can explain that you would like some time to better understand why she is resisting this request. If you have identified a fear of giving up autonomy, you could express it and together explore options such as keeping your own accounts for personal expenses and a joint one for shared expenses.
There are multiple compromise options that could work.
Finally, be kind to yourself. It is natural to feel conflicted over a choice that is not only practical but can be highly symbolic. At the beginning of a marriage we are still adapting and digesting the idea of what it means to have committed to each other, regardless of age. Finding a balance that works for both parties in terms of closeness and autonomy is a long process with no right or wrong answers. What certainly helps is open communication and leaving room for different points of view.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk