Home Australia My wife asked me an ‘innocent’ question about our sex life. Now I fear I’m a cuckold without realising it – and all my friends are telling me to leave

My wife asked me an ‘innocent’ question about our sex life. Now I fear I’m a cuckold without realising it – and all my friends are telling me to leave

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In this week's edition of Saucy Secrets, Jana Hocking helps a husband whose wife wants a

Dear Jana,

My wife and I have been married for eight years and, although we are happy, things in the bedroom have become a bit routine.

Recently, during a night out with friends, the topic of “hall passes” came up. You know, the idea of ​​each partner having a guilt-free affair.

I laughed at the time, but then my wife brought it up again.

He said it might be a way to get some excitement back and mentioned, too casually, that he already had someone in mind, his personal trainer.

She insists it’s just a harmless crush and says I could choose someone to sleep with, too, but I’m torn.

I love her and I don’t want to ruin what we have, but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable that she takes this idea so seriously. Is this really about spicing things up or am I getting into trouble? How do I handle this without it blowing up in my face?

I mentioned it to my friends and they told me that she was only suggesting this because she had already cheated. I don’t want to believe it.

Anonymous.

In this week’s edition of Saucy Secrets, Jana Hocking helps a husband whose wife wants a “hall pass” (file image)

Dear anonymous,

Spoiler alert: your partner has already slept with his coach.

Okay, sorry, that probably seemed a little direct, but bro… that’s not a harmless suggestion.

When someone suggests a pass and they already have their ‘candidate’ lined up, it’s not just a fun little fantasy, it’s a big red flag waving in the wind.

And in the spirit of looking at things from a more optimistic perspective, he may not have crossed any lines (yet), but his eyes are clearly wandering, and that’s not something you should ignore.

Now I understand it. Long-term relationships can become stagnant, and it’s normal to crave a little excitement. But a hall pass? That’s a completely different level. That’s opening your marriage. And the fact that she’s sitting there naming names? It’s not exactly subtle.

So what do you do?

First, let’s put aside the whole ‘hall pass’ thing for a moment and get to the real problem. What is missing in your relationship that made her bring this up? Do you feel bored? Or is it because she got horny at the gym?

What would you do if your wife suggested 'hall passes' so she could sleep with her personal trainer? (archive image)

What would you do if your wife suggested ‘hall passes’ so she could sleep with her personal trainer? (archive image)

You need to have a proper conversation with her, without laughing, without avoiding awkwardness, it’s time to put on your big boy pants.

Ask him directly: What does he really want? Is it about spicing things up with you, or is she already halfway there emotionally?

And while you’re at it, also think about what you want. Want to swing from the rafters a little more? Does she still turn you on? Or do you just move on, hoping that things will work themselves out? These questions matter.

So for the love of God, don’t say yes to something you’re not comfortable with just to keep the peace.

A hall pass may seem like a modern solution, but it is rarely the answer.

In fact, I recently asked a divorce lawyer if he thinks open marriages could be the key to a long-lasting marriage, and he said, ‘Put it this way, I see a lot of people in my office asking for divorce after marriage. open your contract’. marriage.’

Probably not the best idea. Instead, focus on rebuilding the spark together. Because honestly, if his PT is so distracting, it’s time to return his attention where it belongs: on you.

Oh, and maybe it’s time he got a new coach.

Jana also helps a woman who discovered that her

Jana also helps a woman who discovered that her perfect “boyfriend” is married, and another whose perversion of her partner is giving her “puck.”

Dear Jana,

I’ve been dating a guy I met on an app for about four months and things were going great, or so I thought.

He is sweet, attentive and very good in bed, everything I was looking for. But last week, after asking him several times if we could do something over the weekend instead of just during the week, I had a feeling something wasn’t right.

He always said he was “too busy for social media,” but curiosity got the better of me, I did some research online, and checking his work Instagram page, I found a photo of him standing very close to a woman in his Christmas party. party.

I clicked on his profile and it turned out to be his wife! Complete with photos of the two of them looking very much in love.

When I confronted him, he admitted it, but claimed that they were “basically separated” and only stayed together because of the kids.

I feel completely betrayed, but I also can’t deny that I still have feelings for him. He says he wants to keep seeing me and promises his marriage will end soon.

Am I being scammed or is there a chance this could work?

The other involuntary woman.

Oh, girl.

They fooled you!

And I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again! There needs to be better regulations for dating apps!

Why isn’t there a rule that everyone has to be verified and put their full name on their profile?

Imagine if we could Google the men we meet on these apps, it would save a lot of time! (and in many cases, lifesavers).

Anyway, I could rant about that all day. So let’s get straight to the point: he’s a liar, a liar, with his pants on fire!

You didn’t sign up for this trip, so it’s no wonder you feel betrayed, but it’s time to be honest.

You need to buck up and say absolute nonsense about this ‘basically separate’ nonsense. When it comes to being separate, you either are or you aren’t.

So let’s call it what it really is: a flimsy way to keep you around without having to make tough decisions.

If he’s so separated, why does he take her to work for the Christmas holidays? Why does he keep showing up in your Instagram highlights looking like the poster boy for ‘happy families’?

I hate to say it, but if you’re still living under the same roof, sharing family dinners, and wearing your husband’s badge at work events, you’re not as separate as you say.

But I’m going to hazard a guess that you already knew that deep down, right?

And the old phrase about “keeping the kids”? Classic. It’s code for “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, but I’ll tell you what you want to hear to keep this going.”

Men like this love to have their cake and eat it too: they will promise the world but deliver nothing. We have seen it time and time again.

I get it, you have feelings for him and it’s not easy to just turn them off. But think about what it would mean for you to remain in this situation. Do you really want to be the woman waiting in the shadows, waiting for him to finally choose you? They rarely do.

And even if he were gone, would you ever fully trust someone who lied about something so important? I can tell you directly that no, you wouldn’t.

Here’s the hard truth: you deserve someone who is fully involved, not someone who is guiding you while keeping one foot firmly planted in their current life. A man who really wants to be with you will show it with actions, not excuses.

My advice? Cut your losses now and run for the hills.

It will hurt in the short term, but it will save you a lot of headaches in the future. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not a side chick.

There are many great guys who will treat you with the respect and honesty you deserve. I promise you!

Choose this and keep your heart open for an available man. You will thank yourself in the future.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend recently admitted that he has a fantasy about me taking a dominant role in the bedroom. It’s all a dominance/submission thing.

He said it’s something he’s always wanted to try and I appreciate that he felt comfortable sharing it with me.

The problem is that it doesn’t excite me. At all.

I’ve never been the type to “take charge” and the mere thought of trying to act dominant makes me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious.

I love him and want to keep things exciting, but I’m worried that forcing myself into this role will seem inauthentic and ruin the experience for both of us.

How do I handle this? Is there a way I can explore his fantasy without compromising my own comfort, or should I just be honest and let him know it’s not for me?

Anonymous.

Dear anonymous,

Okay, I admit, at first I shuddered a little, but then I got myself under control.

Because we need to give your boyfriend some props for being brave enough to share his fantasy. We are not ashamed around here!

One person’s ‘puck’ is another’s ‘yes please’, so hats off to him for being open and vulnerable. That’s a red flag for your relationship, even if you’re not exactly on the same page. Bravo, you two!

But should you immerse yourself in something that doesn’t turn you on? The short answer is no. At all.

Let’s not forget an important fact: fun in the bedroom should always work for both people involved. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of ​​dominance, don’t force it: neither of you will feel sexy or natural.

Why not suggest that he explore his dom/submissive interests on his own, perhaps with a little alone time and a little creative use of the Internet (I’m talking about porn, in case it’s not obvious)?

That way, you can enjoy the fantasy without feeling like you’ve taken on a role that doesn’t fit.

Actually, an idea just occurred to me! Why not make it work in your favor? Maybe you could give him orders in the kitchen.

‘Yes, you will wash the dishes’ or ‘I order you to clean the floor!’

Suddenly, you find yourself in a win-win situation: clean house, happy partner, potential for a cheeky spark. I mean, it’s worth considering!

But if even that bothers you a little, maybe just sit him down and explain that being dominant isn’t something that comes naturally to you, but that maybe there are other fantasies that the two of you could explore.

I think it’s a safe bet that there are other fantasies he has stored in that brain of his. I would, however, explore the idea of ​​cooking.

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