<!–
<!–
<!– <!–
<!–
<!–
<!–
My wife and I have less sex since she started earning more than me.
Last year, she got a well-deserved promotion which we both celebrated as it will help the family finances – we have a sizeable mortgage and two teenage girls in private school. I have been in the same job for many years with standard hours, but I am no longer the primary breadwinner. Obviously, her role is now more demanding and she works longer hours, so she tends to be more tired at night. But otherwise she looks completely energized and fits in with the time at the gym and I’m very attracted to her. But I don’t initiate sex with her as often as before because I somehow feel different about her and then I feel guilty about this change in my feelings. She must have noticed, since we used to have sex at least five times a week, although she hasn’t said anything, probably because she is so absorbed in her work. But I would like to get advice from her before she becomes a serious problem.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal suggests the shift in power dynamics may have disoriented the couple
MM London
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: It sounds like you’ve identified a possible emotional link between financial disparity and intimacy issues: you somehow feel differently about your wife. Let’s explore that.
First of all, this is not uncommon. For many heterosexual couples today, the fact that the woman earns more than the man can affect the couple’s sex life.
Lack of time and stress are not the core of what is happening, although they are often used as an excuse. In reality, it is about the change in power dynamics and the fact that it “disorients” the couple, or even changes their perception of each other.
Remember the old expression “who wears the pants in the relationship”? Many of us grew up in families with traditional gender roles: the man earned the highest salary and had the most power.
Even if our rational mind doesn’t subscribe to a relationship dynamic structured this way (on paper, you may not have a problem with your wife earning more than you), at some level this clashes with the model with which We grew up, a model that is familiar.
For many people, money plus power equals “pants,” so a dynamic in which the woman earns more than the man can create an unconscious shift in perception on either party in which she could lose “femininity” and he might lose “masculinity.”
People struggle to recognize this in themselves because many of us want to think that we are “modern” and have adapted to new social and cultural norms. It may be embarrassing to admit that a part of us still clings to outdated beliefs about gender, and I wonder if that’s why they feel guilty.
Could the difference you feel be because your wife has lost “femininity” as a result of earning more? It may also have to do with your feelings about yourself: many men feel less powerful or masculine as a result of losing the status of primary breadwinner. However, this is a difficult thing to accept, so we “project” these feelings onto our partner. Then, instead of recognizing how emasculating this new dynamic seems to you, you imagine that your wife finds you less desirable and attractive, and that makes you uncomfortable and might even prevent you from initiating sex.
We live in a society that believes that relationships should be equal, power should be balanced, however, the emotional imprint left by our past relationships has taught us the opposite (the man is the breadwinner of the family, which makes him powerful and attractive). All this creates an internal conflict that is disturbing.
It is not easy to get away from these ideas, often unconscious. So what could help? First, try to understand what happened in your perception of your wife or yourself that might have made you more sexually withdrawn.
Was it about masculinity or femininity? So how can you reconnect with all the other aspects of your wife that made her “feminine” and attractive or how can you reconnect with those aspects of yourself that make you feel powerful?
Your feelings, by definition, will not be rational: on some level you might even feel angry or betrayed by the fact that she is going “against” what you are accustomed to and comfortable with, and no matter how absurd it may be. It seems, if you acknowledge it and leave some space for these emotions, then they might lose their power over you.
Do you have any questions for the money psychotherapist? Email Vicky.Reynal@dailymail.co.uk