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Stepmothers don’t have the best reputation, thanks in large part to our evil fairy tale counterparts. And when it comes to being a stepmother, there are no clear rules, very little advice, and few good role models.
As a Chartered Psychologist, I became fascinated by the dynamics of stepfamilies when I moved in with my now husband, with the happy hope of starting a family with my two young children and his toddler.
I must confess that I was surprised to discover that my new role was much more difficult than I had imagined. This inspired me to research the dynamics of stepfamilies and write a book, How to Be a Happy Stepmother, with the aim of sharing my observations and findings with other women in my situation.
Psychologist Dr. Lisa Doodson found her role as a stepmother to be much more difficult than she imagined.
A third of British households now include stepchildren, but it can be difficult for new mothers to bond with their partner’s children.
With almost a third of British households now having stepchildren, stepmothers need all the advice and support they can get!
One concern that often arises is the tricky issue of bonding with the couple’s children. If this dynamic is not handled well, a lot of pain can result.
However, if you follow my expert advice, you will open the door to wonderfully satisfying relationships with your partner’s children that will stand the test of time.
Take things easy
Research shows that it can take four to seven years for everyone to find their happy place in a stepfamily, and children are often the last to arrive. You and your partner may have been absolutely sure of your decision to be together from the start, but children will often have a hard time understanding the feelings between you.
They may be mourning the perceived loss of their former life or resentful of the new woman taking the place of their beloved mother. If you rush in expecting their full support from the start, you may be in for a long wait.
Don’t expect to love them
It’s a common myth that you will automatically love your stepchildren. It’s uncomfortable to admit, but unfortunately that’s not the reality. And don’t expect them to love you back, either. In fact, the best you can hope for is that they appreciate you. Consider those small tokens of respect and appreciation (“hello” and “thank you”) as a small victory. As you build trust, feelings of mutual love will grow.
Don’t try to be a “super stepmom”
If you go overboard with gifts, attention, or Stepford Wife-style cooking marathons, your efforts are unlikely to be rewarded, which can be demoralizing.
If you go overboard with gifts, attention, or Stepford Wife-style cooking marathons, your efforts are unlikely to be rewarded. Children expect adults to take care of them and rarely show the gratitude that stepparents expect.
This can be incredibly demoralizing for you, and if you become discouraged and stop making any effort, the children can become very confused by your shifting attentions.
Instead, scale back your efforts and your aspirations. If the stepchildren are younger, think of yourself as an aunt or godmother. If they are older and you are inexperienced as a parent, think of yourself (initially) as a friend to them. The last thing any teenager wants is another parent, so try telling them, “You have a mommy and a daddy, and you also have me, as another person who cares about you.”
Spending some time with each child individually can help them bond and feel comfortable with each other.
Try to spend some time with each child individually, just the two of you, without your partner. This could mean watching endless episodes of Doctor Who together, going to a coffee shop on Saturday mornings, or planting a vegetable patch in the garden.
Creating a regular activity that bonds you and your child will allow you both to gently bond and feel comfortable with each other. Children generally respect their biological parents, but if you are the only adult present during these sessions, they are likely to be kinder to you and your relationship should improve.
A bedtime for everyone
It’s important to agree on shared rules in a stepfamily, meaning that both your own children and your stepchildren should have the same bedtime.
If you’re trying to blend your own children with your partner’s, you need to sit down and agree on shared rules and boundaries (bedtimes, control of the TV remote, sitting at the table for meals, etc.). Nothing is more likely to breed resentment than the perception that some are being treated more favorably than others.
Don’t criticize his mother
You may feel jealousy toward the children’s mother, resentment if she doesn’t acknowledge your involvement, or even anger at her apparent failings, but keep all negative feelings to yourself (or between you and your partner).
Questioning children about their “other life” can create tension that can jeopardize any bond. They need to feel comfortable, not interrogated. Your job is to provide a safe space where you can develop your relationship with your partner and their children.
Spend time apart
It’s important to set aside some time to recharge your batteries and regain a sense of control, such as going to the gym.
It’s understandable that you want to immerse yourself in family life, but blended families can be stressful. Try to set aside some time to rest and regain a sense of control.
Simply being able to go to the gym, grab a coffee with a friend, or sit alone to read or watch TV can help protect you from feeling overwhelmed. Without a break, stress levels can rise, leading to resentment that could affect your ability to bond.
- For more tips visit www.happysteps.co.uk or follow @happysteps_drlisa on Instagram
As told to Louise Atkinson
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