I am one of four brothers and we go to our mother’s house for Christmas. We all have different financial situations, so gift-giving is complicated.
Both of my sisters have high-paying jobs and kids, while my brother and I have tighter budgets—I’m recently divorced and he’s supporting his fiancée. We tried to balance things last year by doing Secret Santa on a fixed budget, but my sisters can’t resist buying extra gifts, which makes my brother and I feel bad.
Should I send a message in the WhatsApp family chat and say ‘no extra gifts!’ When are we doing Secret Santa this year?
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Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: It’s never too early to plan for Christmas. It can be a magical but also stressful time of year, with the thorny issue of gift exchange being one of the main culprits.
It sounds like you’re facing a delicate situation and it’s completely understandable that you want to keep things fair and manageable without dampening the Christmas spirit.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal
Bringing up the topic of “extra gifts” in the family chat might help set expectations, but the way you bring it up is essential to avoid unnecessary tension and maintain harmony.
We can all be very different when it comes to spending and accepting the difference between us is not easy. It is important to address the issue early if you want an issue like this to not affect you the way it does.
We don’t know exactly why your sisters tend to go beyond the gift exchange agreed upon with Secret Santa. Perhaps, for them, giving extra gifts is simply a way to express their affection. It could be a tradition they cherish, part of what makes Christmas special to them. Their intentions may actually be rooted in kindness—they may be trying to ease the pressure on you and your brother by sticking to Secret Santa so no one feels financially overburdened.
Understanding that your actions may come from a place of empathy, not competition, might soften your approach.
That being said, it’s also important to reflect on why their extra gifts make you feel “bad.”
Could there be a deeper dynamic at play, perhaps a lingering sense of competition from childhood? Do these gifts represent more than just a seasonal tradition, perhaps a symbol of past tensions where you felt you had “less to give”?
It’s worth exploring these questions so that the discomfort you feel doesn’t become too personal.
When it comes to addressing this with your family, consider what your true goal is.
Would you like to restrict your ability to give generously if it brings you joy? Or is it more about expressing the discomfort you feel about the imbalance, so that they understand its impact on you? By focusing on the latter, you can navigate the conversation in a constructive rather than confrontational manner.
Instead of playing the role of “Christmas Gift Police,” consider gently reframing the conversation.
You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking about our gift giving and I love that we’re doing Secret Santa to keep it simple.” Since we are all in different financial circumstances, I was wondering if we could limit ourselves to just one gift this year. It would take the pressure off everyone and allow us to focus more on spending time together instead of stressing over gifts. What do you think?’
This way, you are not issuing strict rules but rather opening a dialogue. Your siblings might respond by saying that they like to give extra gifts, but they don’t expect more from you in return. By leaving room for this difference, you create an environment where everyone feels heard and respected, without the risk of Christmas failing.
Remember, ultimately, you can’t control what others will do.
Secret Santa gives you a clear boundary: you participate within the agreed upon rules, and that’s perfectly fine. If your sisters decide to go further, you have the option to interpret it differently: are they trying to compete or are they just celebrating in their own way?
If you choose not to take it personally, you can free yourself from the burden of comparison and enjoy Christmas with your family for what it really is: a time of connection, not competition.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
