I have ten nephews and nieces who I adore and I buy birthday and Christmas gifts for all of them. But as they get older they prefer money, which can be quite uncomfortable if they compare what they get with each other. Now it’s a pretty big outlay for me and I need help planning a way that is fair to them and me. Can you help?
CN, by email
Vicky Reynal responds: First, I want to acknowledge your generosity, not only financially, but also the thoughtfulness you show in remembering each of your many nieces and nephews on special occasions. I hope your kindness is recognized and received with gratitude.
However, as your preferences change and the financial burden grows, it’s perfectly natural to feel the need to reevaluate how you approach giving. And this is not only for your own good, but also for your own emotional and financial well-being.
The first step is to establish a budget that you are comfortable spending on Christmas and your nieces and nephews’ birthdays. The second is to decide the best way to divide that budget between them.
The “right” budget is largely a personal choice, but you can narrow it down by setting a range that seems acceptable and then choosing a specific amount within that range. To do this, tap into your feelings: On one end of the spectrum there will be a number that seems too high, leaving you resentful of the donation process. At the other extreme there will be a number that seems too low, misaligned with what you want and can afford to give.
Please note that I am not taking into account how much they could expect to receive. Regardless of expectations, it is never a good idea to give more than you can afford or more than you really want, just because it is expected of you. This ultimately damages the relationship rather than nourishing it. You can consider their expectations when presenting the gift: if you think someone might be disappointed by the amount, you can give them space to express this, acknowledge it, and explain the importance of financial limits. While it may seem like you’re letting them down, you’re doing what’s best for the relationship and you’re also modeling good financial behavior.
And remember: a few extra pounds added to each gift may not mean much to the recipient individually, but when multiplied by ten family members, it could cause financial resentment.
As your preferences change and your financial burden grows, it’s perfectly natural to feel the need to re-evaluate how you approach giving, writes VICKY REYNAL
Your budget may change from year to year, depending on your financial circumstances. That’s completely understandable. If you need to reduce your budget, you can use it as an opportunity to remind your nieces and nephews (especially the older ones) that we may all find that our financial situation is changing and that we need to make conscious decisions: you are doing what you feel. suitable for your financial well-being this year.
The next step is to decide how you will divide your budget between them. You’ve mentioned that you value justice. However, everyone defines justice differently, so it is unrealistic to expect your approach to satisfy everyone. What you can do is choose an equity parameter, communicate it clearly, and apply it consistently. I recommend selecting an objective parameter, perhaps related to your age and not how close you feel to each child. For example, you could decide that all primary school children receive £5, secondary school children receive £10, or that everyone receives the same amount regardless of their age. The key is to communicate your decision and apply it consistently. Depending on their age, you may have to explain your choice to their parents or directly to the children.
You might also consider pooling resources with other family members to make larger joint gifts. However, this approach would require negotiating with others who may have different views on how much to contribute and what constitutes a “fair” division.
Once you’ve established a reasonable budget and a fair system, you can add a more personal touch through the card or the act of giving. For those with whom you share a stronger relationship, you could spend more time writing a heartfelt card or having a longer, more personal conversation when giving your gift.
And remember: your love for them is not measured by how much you spend: it is demonstrated through thoughtful gestures and the time you dedicate to their happiness.
- Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk