My mother has dementia and is also a widow but still lives in her own home. I moved in nearby with my young family after her diagnosis so I could keep an eye on her. Before my mother suffered from dementia, she gave me power of attorney, mainly because my younger brother works abroad and is rarely in the UK. I now have access to her bank account and can see that she has been paying thousands of pounds into my brother’s bank account over the past year. She has never mentioned these payments and neither has he. She worries that he has convinced her to give him money or that she is doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I do all the on-call care, but I don’t get a dime for it, nor would I want to. Should I confront him? Otherwise, I have a lovely, if not remote, relationship with him.
I’m worried that he has convinced her to give him money or that she is doing it without fully understanding it. I also feel extremely jealous. I do all the on-call care, but I don’t get a dime for it, nor would I want to. Should I confront him? Otherwise, I have a lovely, if not remote, relationship with him.
Yes, Devon.
Whether you face it or not, what you know will be hard to put out of your mind because it has stirred up feelings, writes Vicky Reynal.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: Yes, I think you should confront your brother. First of all, because your relationship with him will inevitably be affected by this discovery: whether you confront him or not, what you know will be difficult to forget because it has awakened feelings. You mention feeling jealous, but anger and distrust may also be close to the surface. The same goes for your relationship with your mother; It can be difficult to continue caring for her with empathy if a part of you is worried about the possible reasons she is so generously giving to your brother.
Secondly, and particularly if your power of attorney includes managing your mother’s finances, you may have a duty to ensure that “financial abuse” does not occur, as you suspect. Financial abuse is defined as restricting someone’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources, so taking money from your mother without her full understanding or consent would be abusive behavior that you would want to expose to protect her.
One thing you haven’t considered is whether your mother has voluntarily decided to pay into your brother’s account. It is not uncommon for parents to treat their children differently and the differences can extend to financial support. In my experience, although children often interpret this as “clearly that means they love my brother more,” the explanations tend to be much more varied and complex. Sometimes parents give more to an adult child they have always considered “the most vulnerable” or who is considered to have greater financial responsibilities (they have more children, for example). However, sometimes parents unknowingly repeat patterns from their own upbringing, patterns in which a child received preferential treatment.
You value your relationship with your brother, so it does matter how you confront him. He has hypothesized what might be going on, but don’t let them become accusations. You can start calmly and explain that you see these regular transfers and wonder what they are about. Additionally, he may feel fear and anxiety in that conversation, which could affect his listening skills. So make an effort to In fact Listen to the answers that are given because your mind will look to move quickly towards an answer as it tries to relieve you of the anxiety.
While it may seem scary to start a conversation that could affect your important relationships, and part of you might want to keep things as they are, the reality is that those things have already changed. You will be doing the right thing.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk