Dear Jane,
I have been married for three years and have been with my husband for five years – and we have a wonderful relationship. Or so I thought. I’ve always been a bit shy about expressing myself in the bedroom and my husband has always been very understanding about it, helping me to be more open about my wants and desires, and he doesn’t bother me. never embarrassed or ashamed of my flaws.
That was until last week when we were talking about our deepest desires and fantasies and I told her about a very private fetish that I’ve hidden from everyone in my life for years.
I won’t go into too much detail because, quite frankly, I’m too ashamed after hearing my husband’s reaction. I don’t think it’s particularly disgusting or weird – it’s basically pleasing myself with vegetables, something I’ve always found incredibly arousing and erotic.
Dear Jane, My Husband Shamed Me For My Sexual Fetish When I Finally Revealed It To Him – And Now I’m Afraid Our Sex Life Will Never Be The Same Again
But when I told my husband that, he freaked out. He said he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to look at me the same way again, that I’m like a different person to me now, and that he doesn’t feel comfortable eating anything I cook because he doesn’t. know where he has been.
I feel so devastated by his reaction. This person who used to make me feel so safe and empowered has now dealt the biggest blow to my confidence and I don’t know how we will ever be able to get past that.
From, Mrs. Mortified
Dear Madam Mortified,
Sitophilia is the word for sexual arousal involving food, and it’s a lot more common than you might think. In other words, it’s not abnormal and there’s no reason for you to feel ashamed.
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In fact, according to Dr Mark Griffiths, Registered Psychologist and Professor of Gambling Studies at Nottingham Trent University, “There has long been an association between diet and sexual behavior on many different levels. Food and sex are both basic human needs and sometimes interact more directly.
Anyone who remembers the love scene in the movie 9 1/2 Weeks will know how erotic food can be – (I strongly suggest you and your husband watch this movie together) – and we remember many movies like American Pie where food is used during masturbation.
As far as fetishes go, this seems to be one of the sweetest, and I don’t know why your husband is so appalled, especially since you say he helped you express yourself in the bedroom, don’t making you ever feel embarrassed before.
Communication is vital here. An honest conversation needs to take place about how this makes you feel.
I would wait for a time when you are both relaxed and I would start by saying that you feel shame and anger when he makes fun of you or makes fun of you for sexual desire, especially considering his past support and encouragement to explore your sex life together.
He needs to understand exactly how insecure and helpless you’ve felt since you told him, and saying it calmly, when you’re both in the right place, is the way to help him here. I guess he will have no idea how his words impact you, and if he loves you, he won’t want you to feel that way.
Maybe you two can explore food together as a way to bring it into your sex life: I can’t imagine many men would turn down the opportunity to spice up their sex life – and that seems like a great starting point.
Dear Jane,
I hid a secret from my husband for eight years: his stinky breath totally ruined kissing. I first discovered him on vacation – and since then I haven’t been able to kiss him with tongues, I find it disgusting.
I have absolutely no idea how to tell him without ruining his already fragile ego. Help me get back online. I adore her, but I’m so scared to tell her that her breath is the reason we never kiss. Fortunately, he never asks or seems to care that we don’t kiss deeply, but I really miss that.
He used various mouthwashes, brushes and flossers, but nothing helped. He visits the dentist regularly and has never mentioned any problems with these appointments. How can I make him realize that we need to do more to figure out what’s going on without making it much more awkward than it already is? I am totally mortified and perplexed.
From, Missing Kisses
Dear Gone Kiss,
Bad breath, or halitosis, can be caused by a number of things, so you need to talk about it, not just because you miss the kiss, but because it could be a sign of something more serious.
The most common reasons behind halitosis are poor dental hygiene or food stuck in the teeth which increases bacteria hence the terrible smell. But it can also be small stones on the tonsils that form bacteria or chronic inflammation of the nose, sinuses or throat.
It could be a metabolic disorder or reflux. Anyway, if you notice, then everyone else is too, and you have to help this poor guy.
Find a time when you’re both relaxed and tell him that you’ve noticed his breath has gotten bad and you’re worried there’s an underlying health issue. He is already seeing a dentist and taking care of his teeth, so he should now see his GP to make sure there is nothing more serious.
It could be something as small as dehydration, but chronic halitosis is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong, so that’s a discussion that needs to happen. I think he would be grateful for the knowledge.
Aren’t we always so relieved when someone points out that we have spinach in our teeth or that our dress is caught in our underwear? Hopefully, once you get to the bottom of the matter, the kissing can resume!
