My husband and I have been together for 10 years now – married for six years. We’ve always had a pretty good sex life – healthy, consistent.
Maybe not the most passionate, but I’ve never been one of those people who thinks that the desire you have at the beginning of a romance really lasts throughout so it never really bothered me.
But recently my husband has started talking more about his fantasies, which usually involve us in bed with a third person. I figured it was just him trying to spice things up a bit, so I agreed.
However, he has now started talking about wanting to make his fantasy a reality – specifically inviting another man to join us in the relationship.
He said he’s always been fascinated by the idea of being with another man, that it turns him on, and that he doesn’t think he can go the rest of his life without embracing that side of himself. He even said he did some research on how we can find someone who might be interested in a threesome.
Dear Jane, my husband of six years revealed he wanted to open up our marriage so he could explore sex with other men – and I’m terrified of the idea
I’m glad he feels like he can be open with me, but I’m also terrified of what this means for our marriage. Does that mean he doesn’t want me anymore? Am I not good enough? Or is he trying to tell me he’d rather be with a man but doesn’t know how to say it?
I don’t want to look like I’m smothering her desires but I feel so weird about finding a random man to sleep with. And even more horrified to share my husband with this guy long term.
How to support it without destroying everything?
Three is a crowd
Dear three it’s a crowd,
First off, I commend you for being open enough to hear your husband’s fantasies and loving him enough to consider fulfilling his wishes when that’s clearly something most people would struggle with. .
I was struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter do you say that you are open to a threesome (and that was before you found out the details).
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In fact, agreeing to indulge your fantasies would make him happy and give him an experience he wants. Now that he wants to bring a man into your sex life, and possibly your relationship, it adds a whole new layer of complexity, which you don’t seem to want to share.
Aside from the fact that he wants to explore with another man, perhaps the biggest issue is what this means for your marriage.
Opening a marriage is something you should also want.
If so, it would not only require tremendous communication and trust between the two of you, but it would also involve setting clear boundaries.
You would need to think long and hard (no pun intended) about what everyone would agree on, what would be acceptable, what would be unacceptable. You should be comfortable with exactly what he is offering, and not do it just to please or make him happy.
It is a difficult situation. He obviously loves you, because if he didn’t, I imagine he would be experimenting with his sexuality in secret. It seems like he likes you enough to be honest with you and want to include you in this activity.
And you obviously love your husband enough to want to support him. You ask if that means he doesn’t want you anymore and prefers to be with a man, which is a question only he can answer.
And while it’s true that your husband prefers men, he won’t be able to give you that answer until he explores that side of his sexuality. Whether or not you choose to do it with him is what you need to understand.
Whatever the outcome, it’s not about not being good enough, or a failure on your part in any way.
I have struggled with fractured relationships with my family for years now, for a variety of reasons. However, a year and a half ago it hit a new low.
My mom came to visit me and charged her cell phone by plugging it into my computer. Since then, I have had access to all his text messages in real time.
I already suspected that my family was gossiping and lying about me, so I couldn’t stop reading them.
Sure enough, I’ve seen the horrible way I’m portrayed and perceived by my family. I have proof of all the lies they told about me. It was incredibly hurtful, but I couldn’t stop reading them. During this time, I have distanced myself even further from them because I have seen the truth of who they are.
Despite the pain, I kept the messages because I always believed that there is nothing more precious than the truth. Well, finally the truth made me so miserable that I found the strength to delete them.
A year and a half later, my family still wonders why I separated from them so much. Of course, they have no idea what I saw and what I know.
I caught my mother in extremely hurtful lies, things said about me that I can never forget. At this point, even though it’s so freeing to have the messages disappear, I don’t know how to move on. It’s like a secret that makes me sick. I know it was wrong to read them, but it’s not like I sought them out and deliberately invaded someone’s privacy.
I wonder if I should tell my mother the truth. It wouldn’t make me look good and I’m not sure she would ever forgive me. But at least she wouldn’t have to wonder why I walked away so much and why I’m so hurt. Would it cause irreparable damage or set us both free?
Dear Painfully Torn,
I recently quoted Maya Angelou, and I will do it again: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
You know who your family is and you know who your mother is. The only surprise here was finding out the lies they told, and you did exactly the right thing by walking away.
And, you’re absolutely right about secrets – they get heavier and heavier over time, and many would say secrets are indeed a disease.
Which means you have to tell your mom. The fact that you read the messages after they appeared on your computer is irrelevant here, I think.
If you can’t deal with this in person, write to him. Keep the letter short and simple, and keep it factual: you asked why I distanced myself, and now I have to tell you the truth: your texts have been downloaded onto my computer, and I am now aware of a certain number of lies that have been told about me.
I believe we should always give people the opportunity to acknowledge their bad behavior and apologize. Things certainly can’t get worse between you, but she has the ability to work things out if she wants to, and if they don’t, you’ll have set yourself free.