I am 42 years old and divorced my husband of eight years in 2023. My husband took care of our finances when we were married. Our joint savings fund was invested and managed by him. We had a house together, we sold it and, after the divorce, I bought a small apartment with half my money.
When we got married my husband took care of everything – from paying council tax to bills, investing savings and telling me when and where to put money into an ISA etc. Since we got divorced I feel completely overwhelmed at the idea of having to manage everything on my own! Half of my savings is not invested in my account. I don’t know where to start with pensions, Isas, nothing like that. That I have to do?
SW, St Albans
Most of us weren’t taught about financial management in school, writes Vicky Reynal. So yours is a natural (and not unusual) response to the situation you find yourself in.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: I know many adults who feel great shame for not feeling capable or capable of managing their finances. As if financial management were an innate skill! Most of us have never been taught about this in school, and in her case, while it seems like her husband might have had some learning-by-doing experience, you haven’t because he was doing it all. .
It’s no wonder, then, that you feel anxious when making financial decisions, lacking both knowledge and experience.
Research has shown that the less we understand about financial management, the more anxious we feel about it. So the first thing you need to say is that yours is a natural (and not unusual) response to the situation you find yourself in.
It must also be said that for many women in particular, having grown up in families in which it was traditionally the father who assumed that role, this can leave them with the mistaken feeling that only men can be good in that role. Or you may simply have identified with a mother who didn’t feel safe in this area and so you operate from this part of yourself when it comes to money (with a voice that convinces you that you can’t be good at it).
If this was your family experience, it will increase the lack of confidence you feel.
But instead of telling yourself, “I’m terrible at this,” it would be more helpful to say, “This is new to me and I need to learn more about it.”
And that opens up options for you: if you can afford it, you can choose to hire someone to help you (a financial advisor or planner); or maybe you want to follow a course that teaches you how to start investing your money; or even read a useful book about it. You can also ask friends and family what they do regarding pensions/ISA etc to start gathering information. There are practical things you can do to improve and become more confident at it.
Emotionally, I have seen women who are reluctant to take financial control, at least in part because they feel hurt, angry, or resentful about what it represents: that they now have to take care of themselves because there is no one else to do that for them. .
Going through the often painful process of separation involves grieving many losses, and the loss of “dependence” on another could be one of them, one that we find difficult to let go of. We may now also resent having to figure out how we take on tasks we previously shared or delegated. Could that also be holding you back?
In the first instance, perhaps check out these – they may be useful to you. For a financial advisor, check out WiseMonkey (www.financial-coaching.co.uk, for investments – FemaleInvest (www.femaleinvest.com/en-gb/home) and books such as ‘What They Don’t Teach You About Money’. by Clear Barrett and ‘The Sensible Investor: Your Expert Guide to Money Mastery and Lifelong Financial Security’ by Michael Aitken.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
Pre-order Vicky’s book, Money On Your Mind from Waterstones and get £4 off with code MoneyMind24 at checkout.
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