My husband and I disagree about our son’s birthday gift. Charlie is turning eight and he has been begging us to buy him a game console that ‘all’ his friends have. I know he’s not all his friends, but many do. Arthur, my husband, thinks it’s ridiculous to spend nearly £400 on the console, which is more than we would ever spend on any gift, and says Charlie will be fine without it.
When I was a child, my family had financial problems, so we received simple birthday gifts, like a hula hoop one year and a jump rope the next. They gave my friends expensive Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids dolls. I’m worried because I know £400 is more money than we can afford at the moment; but equally, I know what it feels like to be the only kid who doesn’t fit in at school.
I was the only South Asian kid in a very white school in a small town and I had a really hard time and always felt like an outsider. Arthur is never bothered by what other people think, but he doesn’t see that Charlie will be left out of conversations if he doesn’t play the video games his friends play. What should we do?
“It sounds as if you and Arthur agree that £400 is a lot of money to spend on your son’s gift,” says Vicky Reynal.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: It seems that you and Arthur agree that £400 is a lot of money to spend on your son’s gift. However, what they disagree on is the value of this gift.
To Arthur, this is just a game console that Charlie can live without. For you, it’s much more than that: it’s a social token that will protect him from feeling left out and even give him praise among his friends.
The different opinions about you and your husband are a result of your different personalities and past experiences.
As you tell me, growing up as the only South Asian child in your school and in a small community may have left you longing to fit in. Because he has often felt like an outsider, he now wants to protect his son from having a similar experience.
Spending £400 on a games console so you can be part of those conversations is a small price to pay (in your opinion) for the “social value” it provides you. The desire to buy him an expensive gift and surprise him is also a relic of the experiences of watching your friends have Barbies, while you received a disappointing jump rope.
So the desire to protect your child from ever feeling this way could also be the reason you want to stretch your budget now.
Arthur, on the other hand, seems to have grown up freer of some of these insecurities. He seems quite confident in himself and his position in a group or community. Therefore, he does not value the “social gift” that you want to offer your child by buying him this expensive gift. In his opinion, ‘Charlie will be fine without him’ because that’s his experience: he was fine, he didn’t need to try very hard to fit in.
Vicky Reynal says the helpful question to ask yourself is: How helpful is it to your child if you allow him to adjust?
So the question I want you to ask is: How helpful is it to your child if you allow him to adjust? Isn’t there a risk that he will start to care too much about fitting in (because you care a lot) or that he will depend on things that give him prestige to get people’s attention?
You may be inadvertently passing on your social insecurities to him instead of actually helping him get rid of them. Perhaps Arthur’s more relaxed approach (“he’ll be fine”) could make Charlie less reliant on outside elements to feel happy and have a sense of belonging to his group.
The important thing is not to give Charlie what he wants (especially if the family can’t afford it) but to be there for him and help him deal with it if he starts to feel left out. You can help him manage his experience instead of “fixing” it for him. This way, he will develop healthier coping strategies instead of becoming an adult who overspends to fit in.
If you decide to buy the console, how about a compromise? Why does Charlie need the newest and latest model of game console? Wouldn’t a refurbished one suffice and save you half the money?
Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email Vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky’s book Money on Your Mind: the psychology behind her financial habits is available now from Bonnier Books, £16.99.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk.
Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, by Bonnier books, £16.99 is available now.
