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Dear Vicky,
I am extremely worried about my son who has not yet found a job even though he graduated from a good university last year. Her sister is three years older and she landed a great job straight away at a real estate agent company. I was a stay-at-home mom, but returned to my job as a school librarian when our daughter went to college and my husband’s job took her all over the world. I consider us a hard-working family, but my son shows no sense of urgency in finding a job and if I talk to him about it, he says the job market is really tough. That said, he doesn’t seem very interested in looking, so I even suggested he start doing some work experience – but he says he doesn’t work for free or for a pittance.
We treated both children the same, gave them the same pocket money and paid for their driving lessons, but apart from that they depend on cash gifts from their families on birthdays and Christmas. I’m afraid we’ve spoiled him, but I don’t want to start charging him rent – that’s not the kind of mother I want to be. How can I interest him in earning a living?
LA by email
Lack of motivation is both a symptom and a cause of bad mood and so I would try to approach him and find out what is going on for him, writes Vicky Reynal.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I hear a mix of worry, frustration and perhaps even confusion: despite having raised your children the same way, one left to get a job and became financially independent while the other seems resist this transition.
You wonder if it’s your fault, but you both set a good example at home (being a hard-working family) and encouraged your children to seek jobs – which worked for your daughter. So it’s not about what you did or didn’t do in this regard, but rather what could happen for your son: either he is unable to find the motivation to look for a job, or he is afraid of the process/failure. , or resist/rebel against something he thinks you want for him.
Often when parents and children have these conversations, they remain rooted in the parent clinging to the “should” and the child clinging to the “no.” This can be a problem for a number of reasons: It creates distance between the two of you and potentially even a power struggle in which, rather than doing what you want him to do (get a job), he resists it because it feels like a demand, your agenda, or giving you what you want – rather than a desire born within him.
Opportunities are missed because this dynamic doesn’t position you well to be the one to help him understand what’s going on behind this lack of motivation.
This is where I started to make things happen, by expressing my curiosity about him.
Lack of motivation is both a symptom and a cause of bad mood and so I would try to approach him and find out what is going on for him. Is he happy with the way things are going for him right now? What would he like to do? What is he worried or afraid of? Even though on paper, being supported by his parents without doing anything seems like a “good deal”, I bet that’s not how he feels.
He may feel lost, not knowing where to start his career, not knowing what he wants and not even where to start looking to find it. How can you help him? Does he want to talk about it, maybe think about options? Has he thought about seeing his school’s career services counselor for help? Does he want to follow one of your friends who works in the field that interests him for a week?
Specific questions are not as relevant as drawing your curiosity to his inactive approach and potentially igniting his curiosity about his choices or creating a space in which his worries and fears can be expressed.
There may also be a fear of rejection or failure in the mix. Looking for a job is a process that potentially exposes you to many rejections before an offer. But even in a successful scenario, you then have to perform and deliver, and especially in a family in which parents and siblings have succeeded, it can feel like the bar is high and it is intimidating to try to meet your own expectations and those of others.
If the lack of motivation is not due to a feeling of “loss” or fear, consider that it may actually be – consciously or unconsciously – an antagonistic attitude, which is not rare in adolescence.
As painful as it can be for parents, adolescence – which lasts psychologically into the 20s – involves dealing with many mixed feelings, often including anger and frustration towards parents.
This could be the result of past problems in the relationship, but it is usually part of constructing their own separate identity, which may involve trying out different attitudes, beliefs and values from the parents.
As hard as this may be to accept, he may have to “try” and inhabit this character who is not interested in finding a job until he encounters the real-world consequences of his choice – such as not being able to afford a trip that his friends can take. continue because they have work.
In case of antagonism, you have a choice. You can speed up this process, as you say, by charging rent – but consider that it is expectations and fear of judgment that cause young adults to act defiantly towards their parents. Instead, you can give him time to discover for himself that the money is necessary, and while waiting for that to happen, you can still provide him with a safe space where he can express his feelings.