I sat in the middle of our bed waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work, fiddling with my delicate gold necklace he bought me last Christmas.
I love Mark*, he is everything I want in a partner: kind, attentive, attractive and always puts me first. But throughout the time we’ve been together, I’ve found myself thinking sexually about women in ways that I find both exciting and confusing.
This didn’t happen overnight; It’s a recurring thought I had for years before we met, since I was a teenager. A sexual fantasy that has never come true.
I’ve always dated men, but for as long as I can remember I’ve been curious about what it would be like with a woman. Yes, I’ve kissed girls at parties or when I was drunk, who hasn’t? – but I never had proper sexual relations with a woman. Now it’s all I think about.
Mark goes to bed every night happily not realizing that my dreams are of sleeping with women. Even when we have sex, my mind wanders to women’s soft bodies or being the “masculine” one in bed, only to be brought back to reality by their grunts.
After four years together, Mark wants to propose: we bought a ring together and have researched wedding venues. But I can’t stop thinking about women and I fear it’s more than mere curiosity. How can I marry a man if I am a lesbian?
Mark doesn’t know anything about this side of my sexuality, but as our relationship becomes more serious, I feel like I’m on autopilot flying toward disaster.
Sometimes I imagine the absolute devastation on Mark’s face if I told him how I felt. Would you think it’s not enough for me? That he had “converted” me? Or that he was less of a man. It would be silly, of course: it is perfect in every way.
“The whole time I’ve been with Mark*, I’ve found myself thinking sexually about women in ways that are both exciting and confusing,” our author confesses (archive image)
Last month we went shopping for an engagement ring. Sitting next to the love of my life and best friend in a boutique jewelry store in Adelaide, I looked at a cabinet full of divine rings.
I was staring at my own reflection in the glass like a The sales assistant was asking me questions but I got distracted.
‘Sorry, what?’ I responded with a blank face.
She repeated and asked me if any of the rings ‘spoke to me’. I didn’t have that feeling. We went home and I told her which styles were my favorites, with a convincing fake smile plastered on my face.
You probably want to know about Mark and me. You might be wondering how we can have a proper relationship even though I’m convinced he might be gay. The truth is that we are both perfect together in many ways.
We met on a dating app and are now in our twenties.. We’ve never had any problems and, yes, our sex is amazing. We both also want to have children someday.
After a year we moved in together and bought a dachshund. So far, so straight.
But now, after three years of living together, I worry that I only dated men like Mark because that’s what I’m “supposed to do.” Even though I’ve found women attractive for years, because I’ve never had physical contact with one, I put the label “straight” on myself without even seriously thinking about it.
Sometimes I wish I could take a blood test and have someone qualified tell me all the answers about my sexuality. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.
The author admits she would ditch her devoted boyfriend in a heartbeat if she had the chance to spend an evening with a beautiful woman like Sydney Sweeney (left) or Dua Lipa (right).
When I was younger I remember Googling ‘am I a lesbian?’ and complete an online questionnaire. I said it could be, but I didn’t give it much thought then. Maybe I should have.
All I know is that if a woman who looked like Sydney Sweeney or Dua Lipa wanted to spend a night alone with me in a hotel room, I would leave Mark in a heartbeat.
Now I know what you’re thinking: why didn’t I experiment with the opposite sex when I was younger? Although with my hand on my heart, I wish I had.
But there was always something that stopped me. Maybe it was being a tomboy as a child, which fostered the mentality that being a little more masculine than the average girl was just a personality type and didn’t reflect any sexual preferences.
Three years after living together, the author worries that she has only dated men like her boyfriend Mark because that is what “I’m supposed to do” (photo posed by models)
When I was in my early 20s, I also discovered that my father would have been disappointed if I brought home a girlfriend, who has remained with me ever since.
But nowadays what stops me from exploring my feelings is Mark. I just can’t think of a way to explain to him without breaking his heart into pieces.
What if I’m wrong? What if I’m not a lesbian and I throw everything I have at Mark for a sexual fantasy?
We’ve picked out an engagement ring together (yes, it’s a non-traditional way to do it) and now it’s only a matter of time before Mark asks me to marry him.
We agreed that he would wait a while between buying the ring and proposing, but now it’s been several weeks and he could pop the question at any time.
Part of me can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him. The other part of me fears it.
- As told to Carina Stathis. *Names have been changed
Australian dating coach Debbie Rivers recommends being honest if you have doubts about your sexual orientation in a long-term relationship.
Australian relationship coach Debbie Rivers shared her experience on the dilemma
‘Yes, you should talk to your partner about this. Honesty and openness are the foundation of a healthy relationship,’ Mrs Rivers tells FEMAIL.
‘You may feel confused about what fantasies mean and where they can take you. Keeping those thoughts to yourself can make your partner feel betrayed by you, as they have no idea what you are thinking and feeling.’
Rivers has a six-step guide on how to handle the conversation.
1. Practice self-compassion
Acknowledge your feelings and anxieties. Remember that it’s okay to feel nervous. Practice self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself before having that difficult conversation with your partner or spouse.
2. Write it down
Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you organize them and express yourself more clearly. You can use this written article as a reference during your conversation.
3. Start small
If you feel overwhelmed, start with shorter conversations about your feelings and desires. Gradually progress to the main topic.
4. Choose your words carefully
Use I statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing your partner. Your partner may feel like it’s him and something is wrong with him and you have these thoughts.
Avoid appearing confrontational by avoiding phrases like “You’re not understanding” and instead saying, “I feel misunderstood when…”
5. Be patient and understanding
Your partner may need time to process the information. Be patient and avoid rushing them into making a decision.
6. Get support
Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. Remember, the most important thing is to be honest and open with your partner.
By approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding, you will be able to get through this situation together.