My father is a wonderful grandfather to six children, all of them young children under the age of 10, shared between my older brother and me.
Dad is very good at playing with children, but he never buys them presents: he has given them all pensions!
We have a very open relationship, so I’ve mentioned to him that he might want to see them happily playing with the toys he’s bought them, but he says no, that it would mean more to him to know that they’ll be happy for life long after he’s gone.
He is a widower and I know my mother would have loved to spoil her grandchildren with gifts at Christmas and on their birthdays and would have enjoyed seeing their happy little faces.
How can I persuade him to try them now?
It is important to respect grandparents’ freedom to be generous in their own way.
Financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I think it’s important to acknowledge the incredibly positive things before moving on to your concerns. You have a father with whom you have a good relationship, who has a good relationship with his grandchildren. He plays with them, seems to give them time, attention, love and money. Your father is showing great generosity towards you and your brother in more ways than just financial ones.
So, I think we should be curious about why part of you is upset that he doesn’t spoil the kids.
Could it be that you want to reconnect with memories of gifts you received from your grandparents? Or perhaps you never received gifts from your grandparents and want your children to have a different experience?
Ask yourself if this bothers you because you are feeling your own longings instead of seeing it from your father’s and your children’s point of view. Or is it about your longing for your mother, the longing you feel for her and what she would have “brought” to your children (beyond toys)?
It’s important to respect your father’s freedom to be generous in his own way, because he might perceive you as controlling if you dictate how he should be generous. His generosity is well-intentioned: it is done in the spirit of giving something valuable to his grandchildren (and giving him pleasure) when done this way.
It’s not unusual for grandparents to be thinking about the legacy they want to leave, so your gift in this way is not only good for the children, but may also be addressing your own anxieties, worries, or even just wishes about the legacy you’ll leave behind. Your mother may have expressed her altruism through gifts, which is generous in a different way.
Financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal recommends asking yourself if you’re upset by your own desires rather than looking at it from your father and children’s perspective.
You are giving them the gift of financial security instead of toys. They will value the pension much more (later in life)
You’ve already approached him and talked about it, which means he knows what you want, but he has a different opinion. He’s giving you the gift of financial security instead of toys (which I assume you’re not deprived of).
Children will remember and value their grandparent playing with them more than the toys they received or played with, and they will value the pension (later in life) much more than the toys that are no longer there.
What matters is that you are not substituting money for demonstrations of love: you are giving both.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
