My best tips to avoid getting stung in a divorce, by money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL

Pain, loss, sadness, and anger are just some of the feelings that divorce evokes. It is a process that involves both conflict and uncertainty and fills most couples with anxiety.

As a psychotherapist, I see clients in the midst of their own divorce, who still talk about the impact of their parents’ breakup many years earlier.

That can make discussions about the financial divide fraught with complex emotions on both sides.

Money is one of the key aspects of divorce negotiations and can highlight areas that have not been discussed in a relationship.

At the beginning of the divorce process, you and your partner may find yourself in very different financial situations.

In heterosexual couples, the gender pay gap and traditional division of childcare have historically meant that the man divorces with more assets, a larger pension and a higher income than the woman.

This is slowly changing but, for simplicity’s sake, I’ll assume that it is.

Here are my tips to help you think through how you approach finances before making lifelong decisions.

Define Your Divorce Goals, Twice

“I’m not ashamed to say I want her to pay for what she did to us,” one man told me. He was not a sadistic sociopath, but rather a long-suffering man who felt completely devastated by his wife’s betrayal.

Because of the painful emotions that could have led to the relationship ending, many people use divorce as an opportunity to make the other person “pay for what they did.”

Before you “declare war” and embark on the expensive journey this will take, it’s worth asking yourself: do you expect the prize money to make up for the emotional pain?

Talking about “winning the divorce” will not help a process that (ideally) seeks to give both parties a “fair deal.”

Divorce is an agreement with long-term consequences, so it is important to keep this in mind.

Your anger will dissipate and you will then be left ashamed and regretful if you have taken actions that do not represent the person you are and would like to be.

If you were trying to let go of strong feelings, what would be the most sensible goals you would set for yourself?

It could be having a cost-effective and timely divorce; one that is more cooperative than combative; one that minimizes the impact on children; one in which both behave with integrity, dignity, etc.

Choose a legal route that reflects these goals

Ultimately, many people choose to at least try the cooperative route first and opt for legal mediation (or a similar alternative) trying to minimize both the emotional and financial pain of the process.

But sometimes confrontation is what one or both parties choose: and if one does it, the other has little choice because cooperation requires two people. In some cases it is the lawyer who advises you.

Matthew Booth, a family law expert and partner at Payne Hicks Beach, tells me that in his experience ‘there are women whose only chance of achieving a fair divorce settlement is through litigation because of how intransigent and uncooperative it can be. the husband in an attempt at a meditation process. ‘.

If one party attempts to bully the other into accepting unfavorable terms, then litigation may be the only way to “stand up” to the other party and get a fair deal.

Choose a lawyer who is in line with your goals

Hire a lawyer who is in line with your approach. The 2019 movie Marriage Story paints a very vivid picture of how uncomfortable it can be to hire an aggressive and combative lawyer when you expect an amicable process.

Disagreement creates tensions and frustrations: there will be enough of them in the room with your partner, so avoid having them in your relationship with your lawyer too!

Three tips for women getting divorced

• Don’t expect your money to make up for everything.

Remember: The divorce process is about offsetting your contributions to the marriage and achieving some form of financial security after the divorce for both you and your husband.

Money will not undo the pain or betrayal you have felt. So if you feel the need to “take it to the cleaners,” I invite you to ask yourself if you are letting your feelings in the present get the better of you. Do you later wish you had handled it differently?

• Financial sacrifices are not the best way to say sorry

In some cases, spouses become too docile and compromising because of their guilt over the end of the marriage. I’ve seen women whose marriage broke up because they had an affair, blaming themselves for being at the divorce table.

Out of guilt, they find it difficult to file claims and seek adequate compensation for the financial sacrifices they made. This can lead to later regrets.

• Don’t feel bad about receiving a portion of his pension.

While we may be fine with dividing the value of other things equally, such as property, some women find it difficult to make ends meet for their husbands’ pensions. “But that’s yours,” they might say. It feels like a very personal pot of money because the husband’s job contributed to it and it wasn’t a shared asset until that point.

However, another advantage remains the fact that a woman might have been less likely to grow than a man. For the many couples who do not have enough trust funds to negotiate, the pension could be one of the few assets available to help give the wife some financial security.

Three tips for men who are going through this.

• Avoid framing the process as “being robbed”

When the main contributor to family finances is the man, it can be difficult to enter into a process where we are asked to hand over hard-earned money and men can “feel robbed.”

However, it is an implied part of the marriage contract when it is entered into that there is a promise of financial security should you wish to make sacrifices as a result of the relationship.

That part of the deal allowed his partner to make those sacrifices as well and now it stands.

• Don’t use money as a way to say you’re sorry.

Men can also fall into the trap of blaming themselves and trying to make up for their mistakes by revealing too much in a divorce proceeding.

If you have sought legal advice, your attorney will warn you if you are being too lenient and encourage you to reconsider your choice.

You still have the freedom to make amends using money, but you should be careful not to put yourself in a precarious financial situation in the long term by expressing your feelings of guilt in the present.

• Be Prepared to Face an Erosion of Your Net Worth

There are many losses to grieve in a marriage. As human beings we tend to value the things we have and give up more than the things we gain (a bias called loss aversion).

This places the person with the greatest wealth before a psychological challenge, as they will be asked to give up the money they have earned and the property they own. It can be disturbing.

There are factors that further complicate this process: If your net worth has supported your self-esteem, you will feel like more than just money and assets have been taken from you.

For some people, their net worth is closely tied to their self-esteem, perhaps their masculinity or their sense of agency, so giving up large parts of it can be demoralizing.

In these cases, part of the divorce process should involve beginning to make sense of the losses and process them so as not to let the resulting feelings drag us down.

Bringing your marriage to an end

If you become obsessed with a point, ask yourself: what does it mean? Sometimes during a divorce negotiation, people can get stuck on a point that can compromise the entire process.

If this happens to you, it is worth taking a step back and asking yourself: why is this floor or painting so important?

Often it is not about financial value, but rather the meaning attached to it: it could be a low-value portrait that evokes memories of the happiest moments of the relationship.

Or is stubbornness a general characteristic of you, that is, you sometimes get stuck on things, become a little obsessive, and find it difficult to move forward?

It’s also possible that letting negotiations drag on is your way of not ending the divorce (and therefore the marriage).

The consequences of the breakup

Once the divorce papers are finalized, a different set of feelings will come to the fore. Some will find relief in the process and ending of the marriage, perhaps even a sense of freedom.

Others are left angry: they wanted more, and perhaps more of the money that was on the table. But regardless of the outcome, they may feel helpless and anxious about the resulting changes.

Hopefully, if the divorce process was civil enough, you won’t have the added shame and regret over things that were said and can’t be unsaid or vindictive actions that, when the dust settles, feel petty and unnecessary. .

Maybe you could have let her keep the family portrait that meant so much to her…

vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk

• Vicky’s book, Money On Your Mind, The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, is available now with Bonnier Books, £16.99