A mother talked about her & # 39; incredible, all-consuming pain & # 39; after her three-year-old daughter fell home from the family's 13-year-old boat and drowned – while the family tried to rebuild their lives on dry land.
Zeinboiyah Soetekouw was pulled out of the water 100 meters from the family yacht Sumbawa while on July 9 it sailed over the Hawkesbury River, north of Sydney.
The tragedy led the self-proclaimed & # 39; hippie & # 39; family was kicked out of the boat for fear of child safety and her mother Beccie struggled to adapt to life again.
Zeinboiyah Soetekouw drowned after falling off her family's boat as it sailed the Hawkesbury River, north of Sydney on July 9
Beccie Soetekouw (photo) wrote a heartbreaking Facebook post weeks after her three-year-old daughter fell off a boat and drowned
& # 39; Some days are good. Some days I don't want to be here. Some days I smile and others cry so hard that my body is in pain, "she wrote this weekend.
& # 39; I see her face with many children. I hear her voice in her little sister. & # 39;
Two months after losing her child, Mrs. Soetekouw said that she felt the need to lie about her struggles and to pretend that she was doing well.
& # 39; I smile because of my pain for those who cannot carry this with me. I comfort strangers to make them feel comfortable and I share myself in secret, & she wrote.
& # 39; It's hard to see parents getting mad at their small children because I want them to know how precious they are.
& # 39; I am automatically attracted to parents who have lost. My heart is with theirs. I feel and have felt that shock, that incredible, all consuming pain. I feel anger, sadness, agony, exhaustion and acceptance all together. & # 39;
The tragedy led the self-proclaimed & # 39; hippie & # 39; family was forced out of the boat because of the fear of child safety and that her mother Beccie struggled to rebuild their lives
Mrs. Soetekouw knows that she must accept that Zeinboiyah is dead and that the life of her family can never be the same if she wants to build a new future
Mrs. Soetekouw knows that she must accept that Zeinboiyah is dead and that the life of her family can never be the same if she wants to build a new future.
But she is no longer sure where she, her husband Steve and their surviving children Natasha, 15, Blade, 14, Ryan, 12, Nakita, 11, Alec, 10, Hunter, 8, Amlayah, 7, Yasha, 5, Azanyah, 4, and one-year-old Shakirah fit into the world.
& # 39; Doors are opening, and I have to accept that our baby is not coming back and I hate & # 39 ;, she wrote.
& # 39; I want to hide. I only want good friends around me and even then, only occasionally. Life will never go back to what it was.
& # 39; I will never be the mother or woman I was before. Life has changed and I have yet to discover where I belong in this new world. & # 39;
The Soetekouw family (above) of two parents and 11 children lived aboard the 43ft (13m) yacht, Sumbawa
Police, childcare and maritime surveillance investigations led to the family being banned from living in Sumbawa because it was too busy.
The second-hand boat also needed thousands of dollars for repairs, maintenance and upgrades to meet the regulations.
The family should instead return to the house they had rented when they left Tasmania in December 2016 to live on the water.
& # 39; All our choices were taken from us, as did our daughter & # 39 ;, Soetekouw wrote last month.
& # 39; I can't help but get angry – angry with the situation, angry with the government, angry with myself and even angry with Zeinobiyah.
& # 39; If she had not died, this would not have happened.
& # 39; We have left Tasmania and our home to live a new life. Going back was a step back in our book. But we had no other choice. & # 39;
The family started sailing around Australia when she was only six months old
The little girl (photo), who was lovingly named Zobbie by her parents Steve and Beccie, drowned after falling off a yacht in the Hawkesburry river
Despite criticism of the couple who stuffed 11 children on a small yacht, Soetekouw said that her children experience more than others.
& # 39; What other children see whales next to the boat as they sail along the coast. Or dolphins play on the bow as we move along the water, & she wrote.
& # 39; What other children see the stars that light up like fireflies because there is no light to wet them. Or meet the amount of extraordinary people our children have met.
& # 39; What other children let life experience to the fullest, at its best and at its most tragic, all in the same place.
& # 39; Our children live! & # 39;
Mrs. Soetekouw described the toddler as & # 39; Miss Independent & # 39; in her blog and said she & # 39;will not be helped if she can do it herself. # socapable & # 39 ;.
Last year, on her second birthday, Mrs. Soetekouw wrote about the 18-month life of Zeinobiyah aboard the yacht and how she had started to love it.
& # 39; Zeinobiyah has learned to sit, crawl and walk on the boat. She has been to a few different ports, seen dolphins, whales and the beauty of the ocean, & she wrote.
& # 39; She says things are on the bow or stern. She knows if her life jacket is going ahead, if we are sailing or going into the dinghy.
& # 39; She also went swimming around the boat in her life jacket. & # 39;
The toddler spent most of her life aboard a 33-year-old 13-meter yacht & # 39; Sumbawa & # 39; and traveled with her parents Beccie and Steve and 10 brothers and sisters through Australia
The family sold almost everything it owned when it went to the boat, but with 13 people it was difficult to fit everything into the small space.
Everything from food to engine parts, paint cans, tools and supplies such as wood and oil strewn on the floor and benches, and the couple slept alongside spare sails.
There was no washing machine, so unless they were docked to hit a laundry, all their clothes were washed with sea water and draped over the side to dry.
The entire children's cricket team has all contributed to the many chores needed to keep the boat running and feed every mouth.
Everything was prepared on the small stove of the yacht in a 14-liter pressure cooker, with breakfast porridge prepared the night before.
The family made groceries every three days and went every day 2 kg of rice or pasta, plus 1 kg of meat, along with vegetables.
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