Then who is Number one?
That’s the burning question, now that Meghan Markle has launched the first offering from her ‘American Riviera Orchard’ lifestyle brand: jam in a jar, covered in muslin wrapped in a bow, meant to look artisanal, authentic and aspirational, whose debut It was limited to 50 servings.
How do we know there are only 50? Well, our Duchess seems to have hand-labelled and numbered this edition as if her jellies were priceless works of art (they certainly are, in her opinion) on a par with Hockney, Hirst and Hunter Biden.
Who received that coveted first jar: Oprah? Anna Wintour? Kim K? – has not yet posted on Instagram or otherwise revealed himself.
In fact, 47 of the 50 recipients have yet to publicly acknowledge this anticlimactic merchandise drop.
Could they feel ashamed? Not impressed? In Ozempic?
Or perhaps they, like decent people everywhere, find the timing of Meghan’s launch more unseemly than usual, given that the Princess of Wales and King Charles are battling cancer. Maybe they’d rather not use their platforms to promote sticky sandwiches and tasteless jeremiads.
So who is number one? That’s the burning question, now that Meghan Markle has launched the first offering from her ‘American Riviera Orchard’ lifestyle brand: jam in a jar, covered in muslin wrapped in a bow, whose debut was limited to 50 servings.
Presumably our Duchess hand-labeled and numbered this run as if her jellies were priceless works of art (no doubt on a par with Hockney, Hirst, Hunter Biden in her opinion).
Surely we were all expecting something more than scant gratitude from a few people who aren’t even famous?
Tracy Robbins, wife of Paramount Pictures chairman and CEO Brian Robbins, wrote Tuesday: “Thank you for the delicious basket!” I love this song so I’m not sure I’d share it with anyone.”
On Tracy’s Instagram, the jar (’17 of 50′, with its new label already peeled off one side) remained sealed. How could Tracy attest to the excellence of this jam? Was she present in Meghan’s test kitchen?
Related to this, Meghan reportedly started filming her Netflix show about ‘the joys of cooking, gardening, entertaining and friendship’ this week, at an undisclosed location that is definitely not her Montecito mansion.
Doesn’t that say it all? Meghan welcomes you home and hearth, not hers.
How delightful, too, that Tracy Robbins is on Meghan’s exclusive list, as the couple met as guests of Brian Robbins at the premiere of ‘One Love’ in Jamaica just a few months ago, a premiere at which Meghan and Harry They were sitting several rows back, for example. a movie no one has seen since.
Those top-notch friends are shedding like so much spring pollen.
Delfina Blaquier, wife of Argentine polo player and Harry’s friend Nacho Figueras, also showed off Meghan’s generosity on social media on Tuesday.
Alongside a photo of the toast, as if these people ate carbs, Blaquier wrote: “Strawberry jam makes me happy. And I love your jam, @AmericanRivieraOrchard.’
Praise. On the other hand, Blaquier was only number 10 out of 50.
Delfina Blaquier, wife of Argentine polo player and Harry’s friend Nacho Figueras, also showed off Meghan’s generosity on social media on Tuesday.
Kelly McKee Zajfen, an influential mother and former model whose work may be unknown to most, is, as of this writing, the only other beneficiary to publicly acknowledge Meghan’s plight. Her bottle was labeled number 3.
Number one, surely, had to have been Oprah. Who else could she have been?
Oprah lives in Montecito, attended Harry and Meghan’s wedding, and then led that excruciating meeting where Meghan claimed the royals were racist, but call her a duchess!
Oh, what new disappointment Meghan can now suffer. One can only guess at the star-studded list of gifts from her, the entertaining fantasies about which vaunted celebrity would post which superlative praise.
Luminaries, enemy enemies and tough enemies grouped together, I imagine, like…
The Girl Power Squad
Gwyneth Paltrow, Greta Gerwig and the woman Meghan has known for five minutes and still calls ‘Glo’: for us that’s Gloria Steinem.
Beyoncé, who one day randomly texted Meghan to say, according to Meghan, in that laughable Netflix docuseries, “She admires and respects my bravery and vulnerability and believes I was selected to break generational curses that need to be cured.”
Where is Queen Bey’s post about generational healing and the search for justice going?
And let’s not forget Taylor Swift, to whom Meghan sent a handwritten note (surely a ‘1 of 1’, although written in that ridiculous handwriting, no doubt) asking Swift to appear on her now-defunct ‘Archetypes’ podcast.
Swift, through a representative, reportedly rejected Meghan’s request. Does anyone really believe Meghan gives up so easily?
If we have all learned anything it is that Ms. Markle will not be ignored.
Beyoncé, who one day randomly texted Meghan to say (according to Meghan, in that laughable Netflix docuseries) “She admires and respects my bravery and vulnerability and believes I was selected to break generational curses that need to be cured.” Where is Queen Bey’s post about generational healing and the search for justice going?
First Ladies
Michelle Obama has stayed away since that Interview Oprah, telling Access Hollywood that “there’s nothing more important than family.”
Would some organic preserves from Montecito be enough to regain the country’s preeminent force in healthy eating?
Meanwhile, Jill Biden, along with Joe, may have given a resounding “no” when Harry and Meghan asked to fly on Air Force One after Queen Elizabeth’s funeral, but hey, it’s over!
Meghan surely would have included Jill on her list, perhaps with a note that the Bidens know about jams and how to get out of them.
Melania Trump was probably snubbed, but what about Ivanka?
“Beautiful…smart…she does it all,” Meghan gushed on The Tig, her precursor to American Riviera Orchard, in 2014.
“When we have drinks,” Meghan continued, “I’ll be sure to order everything she makes, because this woman seems to have the formula for success (and happiness) down pat.”
He may not have bought martinis with Ivanka, but maybe he sent some MAGA jam to Miami.
unknown heroes
Who can forget the taxi driver who drove Harry, Meghan and Meghan’s mother Doria through New York City after ‘The Women of Vision’ awards in 2023?
The duke and duchess said they were victims of a high-speed car chase through midtown Manhattan, implying they had barely escaped with their lives. Instead of a generous tip, one imagines this taxi driver, who still said: ‘It wasn’t scary… I never felt like he was in danger.’ It wasn’t like a car chase in a movie; At least it would deserve some sweet Montecito.
Then there’s the steward who, during Harry and Meghan’s desperate escape to the freedom of the United Kingdom, knelt before our duchess and, according to her recollection on Netflix: “He took off his hat and I just remember looking at him.” And he says, “We appreciate everything he did for our country.” It was the first time I felt like someone saw the sacrifice.” At least a smear for this airborne servant!
And the ‘Lion King’ cast member who, again according to Meghan, paid a loyalty that the rest of Hollywood simply won’t.
Who can forget the taxi driver who drove Harry, Meghan and Doria, Meghan’s mother, through New York City after ‘The Women of Vision’ awards in 2023?
As she told The Cut in 2022, she had gone backstage and was greeted by an anonymous South African who said: “I just need you to know: when you married into this family, we rejoiced in the streets the same way you did.” we did it when Mandela was assassinated.” released from prison’.
Never mind that the only South African actor in that production told the Mail that he had never met Meghan. Nor did Mandela’s own grandson snap back that “overcoming 60 years of apartheid is not the same as marrying a white prince.”
Maybe some ‘Mandela jam’ to make up for that mishap?
Gift baskets with olive branches
To Ted Sarandos, for paying $100 million in Netflix money and getting a hacky docuseries, a failed documentary about the Invictus games, and now two specials on polo and cooking. Nothing says sincerity more than hot, pulverized fruit labeled with the recipient’s numerical importance, much like drops in grades do.
To Bill Simmons, the Spotify executive who called Harry and Meghan ‘fucking scammers.’ Who’s literally cooking, Bill?
And finally, to Trey Parker and Matt Stone from ‘South Park’, who commemorated our duchess as a professional victim and an empty vessel, desperate for the fame she pretends to despise.
“We just want to be normal people,” Meghan said in a now-legendary episode. “This attention is very difficult.”
Two jars for Matt and Trey (numbers 49 and 50, respectively) to show that a sense of humor, perhaps, has replaced Meghan’s sour grapes.